Wow, this is fabulous! Thanks.

I had a graduate degree in body/self image issues. Add to that hearing guys say I was ugly kind of confirmed in me that I was.

But, I eventually learned some truths. Hard to swallow truths, some of them, but TRUTHS none the less:

1. I wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world to hubby so that he never noticed another woman. Problem is, I am not the most beautiful woman in the world. Even the most beautiful woman is subjective and some don’t find her all that attractive. Even men who are married or dating absolutely stunning women notice other women. AND, it is rather idolatrous of me to want to be some sort of worshipped goddess for hubby.

As others have said, just because I prefer the mountains doesn’t mean the beach is ugly.

FACT IS: hubby DOES see me as beautiful and that I can stand among other beautiful women as equals. BUT, my unique beauty (ahem…very unique “beauty” as some actually do consider me quite unattractive and I do not look like the American standard of beauty) coupled with my character, personality, devotion to hubby and being his alone makes me stand above every other woman in the world. I am his woman and that makes me special.

2. Noticing other women’s beauty in NO WAY is a sin or devalues my attractiveness. Now, I’m talking about noticing. NOT leering. NOT lusting. I notice when other men are attractive and it doesn’t make hubby any less attractive. We are humans and we interact with humans and we notice humans. And some humans are VERY noticably attractive. Good for them! It is sinful of me to covet their beauty, to think less of myself, to mentally degrade them to feel better about myself AND it is sin to mentally degrade myself because I don’t think I measure up to some ever changing, subjective cultural standard.

3. It really hurt hubby that I rejected his compliments and that I thought so little of myself. It was basically calling him a liar, suggesting he had no sense, suggested that he’s just using me, that he’s blind, stupid, etc.

4. There was a time my insecurities finally did start driving hubby away and he became distant and started looking at porn and other women in sinful ways. We had to confront both our sins, but I had to find value in myself. I remember crying out to God why He made me so unattractive and what was His truth. I walked into the bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I was suddenly captivated by myself. God was showing me how beautiful I was but also revealing it in truth.

I AM beautiful. And I am kind of ugly (according to cultural/societal standards). It’s a fact and it really doesn’t bother me all that much any more. I am who I am. I take care of myself. I do the best I can with my hair and make up and clothing. But I am MORE than those things. So much more. And let’s face it, I’m getting older.

5. What I really wanted was to captivate hubby’s attention. I wanted other women to fade in the background while I stood out. But my insecurities and not trusting hubby’s word was doing just the opposite. Instead, I became real and vulnerable with hubby. I thanked him sincerely when he complimented me. I had fun with him. I stopped worrying about if I looked silly or if a pimple was showing and I smiled more, laughed more, enjoyed life more, had hobbies, interests, conversations….and didn’t hold back sexually with him. And being ME, who I am, “warts” and all has made me all that much more captivating to him and other women are fading into the background. It’s the RELATIONSHIP, the love, the respect, the being vulnerable and giving of our true selves to our spouses that makes us stand out among women. NOT our looks. The Proverbs 31 woman was praised for who she was, not what she looked like. The Shulamite in SoS was not culturally beautiful and yet he was captivated by her and her beauty.

We are not our husband’s perfectly airbrushed, ever youthful Playboy models. We are REAL women. Humans. And our relationships and beauty and captivation are so much more than how we look. We are not 2 dimensional. We are multi-faceted. Real diamonds have flaws and the “flaws” are part of what makes us beautiful.

You will NEVER see me on the cover of a magazine. I would love to do some modeling, but cameras hate me. I do not photograph well. It used to kill me. Now I just laugh at it is a fact of my life. I had a photo shoot done and I told the photographer quite simply that I have an uneven face with strong angles, so he has to be careful with lighting and it is going to take a lot of photos to get a few good ones. It was true. There were a LOT of bad photos and we laughed at them and he and his wife paid me numerous compliments about how fun it was to photograph me. My 15 minute session was more like an hour and 15 because we were having so much fun!

I’m sure many a young fellow would have looked through that album and thought “ummm…no.” But I am MORE than some bad photographs. And shaking off the lies, deceit and trappings of my thoughts on beauty has SET ME FREE to be ME and enjoy my life and enjoy my marriage and be real.

Who cares if every guy on the planet doesn’t want to have sex with me! Hubby does! And he gets it with gusto!!

I think that’s what it ultimately comes down to. We want our value wrapped up in whether or not a guy would have sex with us, or be jealous that our husband gets to. Frankly, that’s none of anyone’s business. Sex is so much more than a nice body. I know some guys who are very happily married to less than perfect women….overweight women. Women with bad acne. Women with premature gray. Women with crooked teeth, glasses. And they are HAPPY and proud of their wives and captivated by them because these women are there’s and are vulnerable and committed to them. And I know men who only go after the “pretty ones.” And brag about it and show them off and share naked pictures of them with other guys trying to get them jealous. And they are unhappy, uncommitted, have no love, real relationship or respect for themselves or the women they are with. And I know men who are married to absolutely stunning women who present themselves as more than their good looks. And they are happily married.

Trust God. Trust your husband and take care of yourself. Stop letting your assumptions about yourself ruin your life and rob you of your joy.

Once I accepted that, yeah, I’m ugly (to some people), so what?! That doesn’t stop me from having a life! I also accepted that I could survive without hubby (if he ever left me like I thought he would because of my looks)…even thrive. I didn’t NEED hubby. And with THAT revelation, I could freely give myself to hubby. WANT him and let him want me and I could give him the gift of my trust that he won’t leave me and that he does find me captivating and beautiful. And THAT is beautiful.

My wife does not have perfect boobs or hips and a shapely beautiful women does catch my attention but I will tell you this. When shes into me she is the the most beautiful thing that i ever saw! When shes in bed and stretches with hands above her head absolutely nothing could turn me on more. God is smiling as he knew I’d be impressed. If your husband tells you you are beautiful believe him and enjoy the complement. If you do you’ll become even more beautiful to him.

What a fabulous point! Thanks for making it, Gaye. I once had a guy tell me that it was all about how a woman carried herself.

And if you consider those women we’ve tagged as “bombshells” throughout history, they’re not always the prettiest girl in the room, but they carry themselves confidently. I agree we can do a lot to make ourselves feel more attractive and be more appealing to our husbands by how we approach our total “package.” Thanks again!

Thank you Anne, for your reply. So often, other Christians say in their comments, “find your worth in God.” Okay. Sounds great. But WHAT does that mean? I am a saved believer, but still I couldn’t quite understand that blanket statement.

You did an excellent job of explaining just that. Thank you so much.