Comments on: Are You Sure You’re Communicating?

By: J

Sat, 05 Jul 2014 12:19:38 +0000

In reply to Lee. Ha! That would have been a great idea. Guess I need to plan for July 4, 2015. :)

By: Lee

Lee — Sat, 05 Jul 2014 00:31:13 +0000

Thought this week you would write about “Three Ways to Get More Fireworks in the Bedroom”.

By: Amy

Amy — Thu, 03 Jul 2014 19:34:09 +0000

In reply to J.

Thanks J.
Really, from what he has said, it mainly comes down to exhaustion on his part because of really, really long work hours during the week…and him being older, 59, plays a role too.
This is why I feel bad continuing to press for higher frequency which more than likely will not occur, except very randomly when he has a week off here and there.

He is a wonderful man and loves me more than anything, which I do not doubt, and he does say that he is very happy with our sex life. But I just crave the feeling of being hotly pursued I guess and he just does not do that or seem to even think about it much. If he does, he’s not letting me know! 😉

After a week of no intimacy I am feeling more irritated than excited about the weekend because then I feel this immense pressure to reach an orgasm knowing it will be another week of waiting. Yeah, yeah, I know — orgasm is not everything and everyone says a woman can enjoy sex without it, but when it only happens once, maybe on occasion twice a week, I crave it since I love the feeling of it that I can share with my husband too.

An interesting thing I discovered when he did have a week off the first of the year and we made love 6 times that week — 1) I would not want sex every.single.day, but 3 times weekly would be perfect, 2) it is easier to achieve orgasm and happens more quickly with more frequency, and 3) I did not feel like I needed or wanted to reach orgasm every single time that week, I was actually very content letting it go once or twice because of the higher frequency — and I didn’t feel resentful about it either.

Sorry for kind of hijacking this post — but I guess it is sort of about communication. 😉
Thanks again!

By: J

Thu, 03 Jul 2014 15:35:05 +0000

In reply to Amy.

Great question! And I wonder if you understand why it’s not as important to him? What’s going on with him? Because it sounds like he may be the missing link in figuring out the mismatch.

Now sometimes, there’s just a difference of opinion, not a misunderstanding, but it’s important to at least get a good sense of where your spouse is coming from. Then you can at least begin working at the real problem, instead of an imagined or misconstrued, one.

You might be interested in some of my posts for higher-drive wives: https://hotholyhumorous.com/2012/04/he-doesnt-wanna-but-i-do-help-for-higher-drive-wives/; https://hotholyhumorous.com/2012/04/he-doesnt-wanna-but-i-do-be-the-brownie/; https://hotholyhumorous.com/2013/04/i-am-the-higher-drive-spouse-or-yes-rejection-hurts/.

By: Amy

Amy — Thu, 03 Jul 2014 14:46:01 +0000

What a great article! And yes, miscommunication can certainly cause a lot of heartache. I love your list of ways to try and avoid it altogether.
My biggest problem can be what Carol said — not giving my hubby the benefit of the doubt that he wouldn’t intentionally say anything to hurt me. I think that stems from the verbal abuse from my first marriage.
What I do now if hubby says something that hurts me a little, is to stop and remind myself of how much he loves me and has no intention of hurting me — then I’m able to really hear what it is he is trying to communicate and not focus on HOW the words made me feel.

But I do want to ask — “how long do you beat a dead horse” so to speak? I mean, how long do you keep trying to communicate your desire for something like your list of marital intimacy issues? If nothing is changing could it be because there is lack of clearly communicating your need well enough?

For us (or me I suppose) the third issue is a big one. I’ve tried over and over to communicate how important more frequent lovemaking is for me — yes, I’m one of those wives who desires it more than her husband. 😉 And I believe he understands because he has actually stated back to me what I’m trying to say, but it still never seems to be a priority for him. The other night my son left for a while and we had the house to ourselves which is rare but he started doing other things to avoid it — talking ont he phone, puttering around in the garage, etc. until an hour had passed and our window of opportunity had closed. And he knew I was interested because I jokingly had said so earlier.

I don’t want to make him feel pressured especially when I know he is exhausted during the week from his long work hours, but I also don’t want to just turn my desires completely off. And it’s rare anymore that I even ask because invariably he always turns me down. But I never turn him down, ever and he actually commented on that last week, saying how fortunate he is to be able to make love anytime he wants. And I’m very happy he feels that way, but what about me feeling it too?

Sorry, for the ramble, just made me wonder if there’s something more I can communicate or if it’s just what it is and I need to learn to find contentment with where we’re at.
🙂
🙂

By: J

Thu, 03 Jul 2014 13:35:42 +0000

In reply to Carol. Fabulous addition to my list! Thanks, Carol.

By: Carol

Carol — Thu, 03 Jul 2014 13:32:04 +0000

Excellent points. I would add, give your spouse the benefit of the doubt! We tend to interpret what our spouse says in the worst light, rather than assuming the best meaning. Clarification is good also, but sometimes arguments arise simply because one is offended that the other could believe they meant something rude by a harmless comment. “Why would you even think that I would say that?” is a reasonable question.