Hooray! I had a similar feeling too. I would almost physically hurt or flinch when touched. Now my wife’s hand is like an energizer I crave. If she just puts her hand on my forearm I seem to come alive! Good for you to have the guts to do what you did!

The feeling I have is a bit of a antsy one. My background, I have had a previous troubled marriage (insert Meat Loaf’s “Praying for the end of time to hurry up and arrive” line here), and am elatedly married now. I feel as though I have seen issues similar to Karen’s from multiple angles. As far as the book mentioned, I don’t believe I am familiar with that one. As far as the crutch the church gives men, not familiar with that one. I am by no means saying they don’t exist, I just do not possess the knowledge of them. I am a believer in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I believe the Holy Bible is the literal Word of God. I confess sexual sin. I confess all sin. That said, I will commence.

The familiar part of what Karen said reminds me of my first marriage. In my case, there were just so many things my ex-wife “knew to be true” that just were not true. I was badgered seemingly without end about my “desire” to have an affair. I never touched, or tried to touch, another woman for the six years of that marriage, yet, surprise surprise, came to find out after it was over that my ex had cheated on me for almost three years. My personal favorite was when she “found” cigarette butts (I no longer smoke, this incident was almost twenty years ago) with lipstick on them in the ashtray of my car, so bam, proof I am cheating scum acting on my lust of others. Typical male, wanting everyone else. Problem was, the cigarette butts in question did not exist. I mean she had just seen them two minutes before, all she had to do was go back outside and get them. She refused, because they were not there. Do I mention this to rag on my ex? No. I mention it because this was something she “saw and knew.” It took her six weeks to admit she did not physically see the butts, but she saw them in her mind so the “vision” was still valid. Often times we see what we want.

I have zero chance of reaching Karen with this. The wording she uses shows “seeing” coupled with admitting otherwise. This issue is not a logical one in it’s entirety, but is one steeped in emotion. Again, that comment is my personal feeling driven by experience, and not a professional one. I just get the feeling that Karen wants to be in the state she is in. What I hope is to give an insight to the others who struggle with body image and sex drive issues. My wife, the ever so talented and darling K whom I have the pleasure and honor of being married too, is flawed physically. She’s thirty-eight years old, and we know that thirty-eight years of gravity and dry heat (live in the desert) can’t help the body of a mom. Stretch marks, wrinkles, belly fat, you name it. Although I must admit it paid off not going cheap on the tattoo she got twenty years ago helped. While the dolphin on her belly has gotten bigger, the colors and lines are great, so good choice K! You have no idea how much this lady thrills me. You have no idea how much I have learned what fun Proverbs 5:19 is! Why? Is it because her body is perfect, no. Is it because she is her, yes. Do I want to have sex with her a lot? Yes! Do I want to have sex with anyone else? No!!! Why? Why?!? Because she is perfectly imperfect. After all, she loves me. Sex is just one of many ways I get to know her more.

How did I get from being married to an abusive cheater to being married to Super Wife Number One? I had to get me fixed. Sure, I could have pointed my finger at my ex, because after all it was her fault. But why did I choose her in the first place? All of our sin and experiences kind of mold us into who we are. Bad choices in little things pile up into bad choices about bigger things. I had to be honest with myself about my own “I know it’s just this way because it is” mentality. I had to be honest with my own self image and emotional dysfunctions. I never choose to have social anxiety for example. It’s one thing if a spouse is engaged in sin. Sin is sin and it must be dealt with, no getting around that. Just make sure it is sin that is having to be dealt with, and not our projecting of anticipated sin that has to be dealt with.

I am thankful that K gives me the chance to look upon her as an object of beauty, despite the fact she does not see it herself. She knows she ain’t no Miss Spain, but she knows she is Miss Louye’s house, and that is a title that is worth having! K lets me be her husband, the piece of paper means nothing.

Fast forward to married life and hubby would brush my butt with the back of his hand whenever he walked by. I hated it. I hated being reminded about that boy. But, hubby didn’t know. Apparently, I have a very nice backside and he enjoys it and it was a way of connecting with me even during busy times.

One day I was washing dishes, a time he usually takes advantage of to touch my butt, and thinking about him coming in and touching me and I cringed as that boy appeared in my memory again. Suddenly, I was like, “that was 20 years ago! Why am I giving that boy 20 year’s ago power over my marriage, today? Why does he have possession over that touch instead of my husband? That’s it! I’m done! I am giving that touch to my husband where it belongs and I am enjoying it!”. I also told hubby about my past and the revelation I had.

Now, I look forward to him touching me that way and actually create opportunities for him to.

As a husband who has struggled with pornography, I found Every Man’s Battle to be the impetus to begin my sexual purity. You’re right in that even the church’s standards for sexual purity often falls short of God’s standards. I can see how the book would be difficult for a wife. I can honestly say, I wish my wife would read it. I want her to understand my struggle. I don’t want her as an accountability partner. God has given me the will power to break my habits nearly cold turkey, but i feel like my wife needs to know that she can ask if I’m tempted. I want her to know that she can trust me, both with what is in my eyes and my heart. Talk to your husband. If he’s living in sexual sin he doesn’t have a good relationship with God, he’s ruining the marriage, and leaving an open door for a generational problem with sexual sin if you have any children. And above all, pray for each other.

OK I will answer the questions, maybe from my answers you may have more insight and can maybe explain if I’m I’ve got the wrong idea.
1). I believe God created sex for a couple specific reasons; to worship him, ONLY for a married couple, but must be engaged in three areas mentally (only being turned on by your spouse), physically (I believe God made a man to be visual, to give man the sensitivity to see the beauty in all humans and the beauty God sees in each person, NOT FOR LUST) and spiritually. Although there was the fall of man AND that all changed.
2). I don’t enjoy sex cause I know it is not me that turns him on, I’ve not completely captured him with my physical features, I don’t know who or what has turned him on that day, I just know it isn’t me! Don’t worry I do my wifely duty I can even have an orgasm, but don’t enjoy it, how you say? Its my job and that is just part of it.
3). Yes I know he does, I’ve seen porn on the computer, he has gone to Victoria Secret website, he likes blondes and long hair, I don’t have either for one. Birthday cards he has picked out for people so yes I know he has and probably still is cause just like the churches crutch they give to men he uses, I’m visual! Does he verbally say a girl is hot in front of me no, but his actions has told me.
4). I don’t feel good about my body since from when I was very young, my dad with a couple of my siblings were watching Miss Universe, Miss Spain came out out of my dad’s mouth, with excitement and anticipation came “isn’t she beautiful!”. I’ve NEVER heard those words come out of my dad’s mouth directed to me. That was the start. Am I using an unreasonable standard of beauty, yes that is obviously what is wanted and expected! I’m also not 20 anymore which is being sold everywhere, I’m not the desirable age for any man in today’s world of sickness!
5). The ghosts from my past that haunt my marriage is the fact that I was stupid and actually believed that someone would desire me only me, yes I screwed up but if what was taught to me that was in the book EVERY MAN’S BATTLE, this would never of been an issue! I’m angry cause I was told one thing and believed in LOVE and that garb, but the visual thing was never taught, so yah my attitude is filled with hostility considering now I’m trapped in something I’ve committed to God without knowing the truth!

Good point, Eric! I’m somewhat disturbed by how much more common it is these days for women to treat men like objects as well. I see it plenty on social media and entertainment choices, not to mention the hookup culture. And no, it’s not flattering to be viewed like a product on the shelf.

Thanks for your comment!

You’re right: It isn’t true in every marriage. I’ve had friends married to jerks, and their situation is particularly frustrating because of their husband’s selfishness. But I’ve become increasingly confident that there are a lot of good guys out there, and that many of us ladies married them. And we should treat them accordingly. Thanks, Gaye!