I’m so glad you shared your story here! I suspect it will also help another wife who’s questioning what’s going on. I especially appreciate your encouragement to stop comparing yourself to the stereotypes. It’s true those stereotypes exist for a reason, because there are more higher-drive husbands than wives…but that doesn’t mean all by any means! And it’s not abnormal to be different — just, as you said, the way God made you.

Many blessings! So glad you’re working through these things, so your marriage and sexual intimacy can thrive in the long run.

Hi J,

It’s several months on from my previous post. I am happy to report that things have gotten better! We did get my husband checked out – all normal. We are still learning, and what all the books say is true – sex just gets better with time (and experience). We have discovered a few things;

1) Much of his hesitancy surrounding sex (which inhibited his erections and thus climax) was because of the way he had rigorously taught himself to not think about sex as a single man. He bounced his eyes, he bounced his thoughts and thus was a real gem in guarding my purity pre-marriage. We did not kiss until our wedding day – his first ever kiss. That was great for us, since I am a pastor, and desired that our dating life be above reproach (important for ANY Christian, not just pastors), but what it meant was that he had real trouble “flipping the switch” from sex is not ok to sex is more than ok!

2) We do have mismatched desires. In this and in a few other areas we are gender flipped. What gets him going is a long heart to heart, whereas for me if he drops his pants I am ready to go, well ready to begin warming up – like most women I still need time, it’s just that desire comes quickly and easily. When I read sex books, I relate to the chapters that are written for the men, yet I am still very feminine. Negotiating the differing drives forces us to keep offering each other grace, and brings opportunities to understand and know each other better. After we married I could not understand why he wasn’t like all the men I read about in the books, and I was. I’ve learned to stop comparing him (and myself) to the stereotypes. God made us this way, and was pleased to do so. And…

3) He does have a long refractory period for a 30 year old, but we’ve worked out a rhythm that mostly works well for us.

Why am I telling you all this? I guess I just wanted to encourage you that your posts do help. Your reply encouraged him to get medically checked out, and the original post, among others helped me to realize that I am not the only woman out there with a high sex drive. I was a virgin for 30 years until marriage, yet no-one ever talked to me about sex, or when they did in the lead up to the wedding it was always with the old “he’ll want it, try to give it to him” story. You can imagine how alone I have felt both in dealing with a high sex drive and being single for a long time, and then being the one in our marriage who always wanted it yet having a hesitant man. Thanks for being a safe place to get information and to talk about this sacred and vital part of marriage!

Bek

I really had to mull this one over, Bek. And I did a bit of research myself. You’re right: There’s little about this subject, other than reporting typical refractory periods. So here’s what I think:

1. We too often limit our view of “sex” to intercourse and climax. So maybe you use one sexual encounter to jump headlong into that excitement, and the next one is a quieter exploration of one another — perhaps with only one of you reaching orgasm. Sex is the whole enchilada, and when a married couple starts to see it more broadly, they can experience greater pleasure with a greater number of activities available.
2. If it’s frustrating to him that he can’t reach climax, is there some way for him to simply feel fabulous at what he can do to YOU? Honestly, there are times when my husband or I might forgo the orgasm, but we walk away feeling pretty darn good about the pleasure we brought to the other. Hey, if he stimulates you into fits of unbelievable ecstasy, the man should be STRUTTING around the bedroom with a big smile on his face! 😉
3. He should ask his doctor about this issue as well. Longer refractory periods are common as men age, but if he’s young or it’s causing real problems, he could be low on a particular hormone. Why not at least ask? If it’s an easy fix, wouldn’t you like to know?
4. Some suggest shortening refractory periods by stimulating the husband almost to climax, then having him back off. Repeat this several times before he climaxes. This presumably helps with greater control and shortening that time between ejaculations.

Hope something here helps! Blessings.

Most would say YES. 🙂

I don’t know much about these websites, but I decided to go ahead and approve the comment. I appreciate your own story, OlWill! I will say that consistent exercise has helped me lose weight. I personally suspect that most of us have a pretty good idea of what we should do to eat better, get moving, and get healthier. For me, the problem is the discipline to do it. And do it consistently.

And Amanda, if weight is an issue for your husband, it’s often not the only issue. But it’s always a good idea to pursue health for your own benefit, for personal self-confidence, and yes, as a gift to your husband.

As we attempted to reconcile our marriage and went through several years with a therapist, I learned to express when I felt rejected so that he was more aware of how his actions outside the bedroom affected my ability to come to him with my sexuality. I committed to initiating sex twice per week and did so for more than a year. Sometimes he felt like it, sometimes not. He initiated about once a week, as well, and in my heart I committed to never reject him because I knew the internal patterns that established in me. I never shared this with him and wouldn’t recommend this unless it is simply a personal choice.

I felt we were making good ground in this area. One evening after a spontaneous romp on the living room floor, I was content inside and grateful for God’s goodness. Our marriage wasn’t perfect, there was a lot of history that included pain, but I was hopeful and content. Three days later I discovered he was also enjoying another woman.

That discovery, following my attempts to be available, pursuing and enjoying my husband hurt me in places where I will forever be tender. It was confusing and disorienting and our marriage did not survive that blow after the previous years of difficulty (which included rage, porn, and other women, also). Yet through the divorce and paid of disentangling lives, I knew I gave my very best effort.

All said, I would encourage the higher drive spouse to provide safety outside the bedroom in order to increase desire. The lower drive spouse I would encourage to empower yourself and to honor your own sexuality … it really IS in there! Taking control (for me, that was initiating a certain number of times per week) allowed me to feel the choice was mine and not that I was at the beck and call of my mate.

I’m now remarried. It’s a whole different experience this time around where intercourse and sexual experiences in general are so much more other-focused. It takes a lot of communication and openness about our pasts, and that tenderness from previous wounds comes up from time to time.

If I had any advice to through in there for those with a low sex drive is this: become more intentional about having sex. If you always wait to be propositioned by your spouse, there are going to be plenty of times when you end up saying no. Instead of that, make it up in your mind that you will have sex X number of days a week, and then intentional work toward that.

For the individual with the high sex drive: I suggest they put some planning into their sexual encounters. This partner probably wants it to come more spontaneously, but the low sex drive person really needs some time get in the mood.

That is really about it. 🙂