Hi Emily!

I just want to encourage you to keep trying. I have been married for almost 7 years now, and from our wedding night until *about* our 5th year, I experienced the same disappointment and frustration of painful sex. I, too, had a husband that was so great and didn’t make me feel bad about our infrequency as a result, but I felt awful. I felt like a failure to my husband. Sex literally felt like a knife was being jabbed into me… and I would cry. Then the emotional anxiety of expecting pain would make the pain of penetration even worse. We would go upwards of 5-6 months without having sex as (fairly) newlyweds in our early 20’s, which was rough. I always felt like a horrible wife and no doctor could “fix” me. It wasn’t until about a year ago that one night, when my husband initiated sex, I just told myself not to clench AT ALL. I made the decision to give myself over to him completely… to be vulnerable. After YEARS of hearing my sweet husband whisper “just relax baby, relax. It’s ok, I’ve got you”, I finally understood why he was telling me that. You see, I was taught growing up that sex was naughty and that promiscuous people (like my older sister) should just “close their legs”. No one ever told me that God created sex for our pleasure. Nobody ever told me that it’s ok for a Christian woman to enjoy her sex life within the bounds of marriage. So…. I would internally feel like a whore if I opened my legs to my husband. And to add to it all, I have always had low self-esteem and was always very self-conscious of my body (also due to emotional abuses in my childhood). But when I finally made the decision to open my legs freely, stop tensing, and give myself over to my husband completely, I was finally able to have sex without pain. I was finally able to enjoy that time of intimacy and connection with my husband. We are still striving to get me to the point of intense pleasure and orgasm (no, I’ve never had one), but we’ve come a LONG way from where we were.

I would just encourage you to first see a physician to make sure it’s not a physical problem, and then to RELAX and keep trying. Focus on how much you love your husband. If he’s anything like mine, he thinks you are gorgeous and wants nothing more than for you to open yourself to him and be vulnerable with him. You might not have the same exact issues I had, but it never hurts to do those things anyways. 🙂 Be blessed! And enjoy!

Thanks for sharing. This is something I am going through as well. After getting checked out at the gynecologist, nothing is physically wrong – however, how do you address mental blocks when you’re not sure what they are? I mostly enjoy having sex with my husband, but I do feel a little let down and sometimes very far from him emotionally when he has an orgasm, and I don’t feel anything. How can we be having such separate experiences?

Thank you for your imput! It was most encouraging! We have tried manual and oral stimulation but we will keep going. I’m just so confused why the clitoris would turn so quickly to being sore. I thank the Lord for the amazing husband I have. No sexual history for either of us. Happy new years to you!

First times and early-on sex should feel more like stretching and soreness that you’d experience from using muscles you haven’t used before. Like how I’d feel if I ran a couple of miles (which will happen as soon as an angry grizzly bear decides to chase me). It should not make you scream in pain. I strongly suggest that you return to your doctor and tell her what you’re going through. Be specific, be persistent, be determined to get answers and help. You could be experiencing a severe lack of estrogen, vaginismus, or other obstacles to complete entry. If no physical issues can be found — and I really cannot overstate how important it is to insist on answers from your physician on this part — then you could have psychological barriers, which could be dealt with in quality Christian counseling. Sometimes a painful sexual history or bad teaching or simply intense worry can cause a woman to tense up, and sex becomes painful…and she may not even know why. Yet again, find someone who can help you work through the causes of what’s happening and give you concrete recommendations on how to get past the issues. I am not a licensed professional counselor, but as an example, I understand that meditative techniques or biofeedback can help some relax in moments of intense stress.

In addition, while intercourse is currently difficult, you could approach achieving orgasm through outside clitoral stimulation alone. Since your husband is so attentive to your needs — go, hubby! — perhaps he’d be willing to focus attention on you and helping you feel that peak of pleasure through manual touch. That is, let his fingers do the talking. Just so you know, many wives also report oral sex being a primary way they can achieve orgasm.

And I simply want to add here at the end that I really feel you’re going to work this out. When a wife is intent on figuring out the issue, and the husband is supportive like this, odds are truly fabulous that with a little more effort or information, you will find answers, apply solutions, and go on to a beautiful life of sexual intimacy. Many blessings to you both!

I’m sorry that your husband feels the need to be selfish with your intimacy. I can only imagine the hurt and pain you feel over that as I can relate.
I was in an abusive 20 year marriage and my ex never once even tried to bring me to orgasm, let alone ever give me OS. Although that was something he demanded from me, along with other things. Needless to say, I became what many refer to as a gatekeeper in our marriage bed because I wanted nothing to do with being intimate with someone who hurt me and took no interest in giving me pleasure.

Fast forward to almost three years ago and I married a wonderful man who I have no doubt loves and cherishes me. Until I was with him I didn’t know what it was to orgasm and it’s wonderful to be with a man who cares about my pleasure too.
Now if only I could get him to be more interested in lovemaking, but he’s pretty content with once a week. But then, that’s whole ‘nother subject! LOL

I pray that you can communicate your needs with your husband and he will be open to hearing you.

You are blessed. Trust your husband. Believe him. I’ve read comments from many husbands that they enjoy the journey of bringing their wife pleasure.

Unfortunately, my husband told me I take too long. (5-20 minutes) He only once in a while brings me to O. Otherwise O’s are my responsibility….meaning masturbation.

During those times when he does bring me to O, I have to remind myself that I deserve this. Hubby’s issue is his problem and his loss. I cannot worry about him. I can only leave his attitude in God’s hands.