Monthly Archives: November 2014

Are Christian Sex Authors Unconventional?

woman working on laptopYou might think the automatic answer to that question is yes. After all, it’s a rather recent phenomenon to have so many Christian voices speaking openly and boldly about sexuality. It’s true that a blog like mine, primarily devoted to sexual intimacy and from a biblical perspective, isn’t common. However, I’m hardly alone. There’s been an upsurge in Christian writers and speakers focusing on marriage and intimacy.

But some recent events have reminded that we still look odd to a lot of people. After all, many of us come from religious traditions that were at best nervous and at worst condemning of sexual activity — yes, even in marriage. Certainly, many churches have a history of poor or nonexistent teaching on godly intimacy.

And now, there are a bunch of us not only willing to say the word sex publicly, but to espouse that God has stuff to say about it and we can get into some nitty-gritty ideas for married couples to spice things up. Surely, that makes Christian sex authors unconventional?

Actually, while the means of delivering our message has changed, I think biblically based Christian sex authors are the truly conventional ones. Let’s take Merriam-Webster’s definition:

conventional adjective
: used and accepted by most people : usual or traditional
: of a kind that has been around for a long time and is considered to be usual or typical
: common and ordinary : not unusual

The overwhelming message from the Bible is that God created sex for marriage and wants His people to enjoy it to the fullest. It starts in Genesis, runs through the Old Testament, and gets reinforced in the New Testament. The exhortation to have frequent, intimate, pleasurable sex within marriage has been around a long time, is typical for the Bible, and was widely accepted among God’s people for centuries.

Although God’s people have strayed in preaching and practice many times, the core message remains the same: God gave marriage the gift of sex, and we should treasure His gift.

Of course, the means by which we deliver the message has certainly changed. Rather than chatting with other women at our Mikveh and trading truths about sex in marriage, I’m typing on this keyboard and sending out my two cents to women across the world through the Internet. That part is unconventional (although I suspect it will seem conventional at some point).

Regardless, what I say here is what I’d say if we chatted it up over coffee . . . or way-back-when at the community well where we drew water. And it’s based on what God’s been saying for millennia — sex in marriage is, and should feel, good. I’m hardly breaking new ground — just finding new ways to say it.

And soon, I’ll have two more ways to communicate God’s age-old truth about sexual intimacy in marriage. I’m hoping and praying my next two books will be released before the end of the year.

One will be a weekly devotional book with 52 devotions to enhance sex in your marriage. And the second is a book of fiction, Behind Closed Doors, with five short stories about marriage and intimacy. Are these typical ways to deliver a message of truth and hope about sex? Probably not. But in everything I do, I return to the well-established foundation of God Himself and His Word.

What has struck you as conventional or unconventional about Christian sex authors? What ways have you seen for modern-day Christians to express ancient biblical truths?

My Husband Is the Best Lover I’ve Ever Had

I wish saying “my husband is the best lover I’ve ever had” was like when my kids say “you’re the best mom I’ve ever had.” Of course, kid, because I’m the only mom you’ve ever had.

While it’s God intention for sex to wait until the marriage bed and be shared only with your spouse, plenty of us blew it in that department. We didn’t get to the wedding with lily-white innocence. Some of us simply stumbled with all our baggage across the marital threshold. Thankfully, I stumbled into the arms of Jesus and His wondrous grace.

And yes, there is forgiveness and fresh starts and a beautiful future.

But I was forgiven, not bonked on the head. I still remember my past. There were others before. Others who didn’t give me a ring and a vow and their heart.

Sometimes, I wonder about the wives out there who make comparisons. Maybe it’s a comparison between their past lovers and their present husband. Maybe it’s a comparison between what they see on TV or read in books and what they experience in their marriage. Maybe it’s a comparison between the one and only lover they’ve ever had and the unknown lovers they might have had. Maybe you wonder if the grass isn’t greener over there . . . where you’re not.

Like I said, I remember. I have the data to make actual comparisons. And my conclusion is crystal clear: My husband is the best lover I’ve ever had.

Waaaaaay better.

Couple celebrating in bedroom

Now before you think I somehow managed to marry a magic man (and isn’t that totally unfair?), I haven’t always felt this way. Because what makes my husband my best lover isn’t a set of skills he brought into our marriage bed. He isn’t God’s gift to all women, just God’s gift to me.

Which is why I come here twice a week and talk about how awesome sex can be for a husband and wife. Because I genuinely believe your husband can be your best lover ever, whether you have anything to compare him to or not.

So what makes my husband such an amazing lover to me?

Commitment. I believe wives enjoy sex so much more when their relationship feels secure. While I understand some marriages do not feel secure, most husbands who commit in marriage really mean their vows. They’re in it for the long haul. And knowing my husband is here today and tomorrow and the next day and beyond encourages me to be vulnerable and connected, even in the marital bedroom.

History. Being married for many years, you establish a history. You’ve gone through stuff together, weathered the storms, stuck it out. Because of our shared history, I know my hubby very well and he knows me. So when we make love, we bring all of those moments into our physical intimacy. I’m not just making love to a guy who thinks I’m pretty and wants to bed me; this is the man who took care of me when I was sick, comforted me when my best friend died, loves and teaches my kids, and wrote me a love poem (even if though it was a real struggle for my logical man). We have so many moments and memories entangled together, our history deepens the meaning of our sexual intimacy.

Experience. A little knowhow goes a long way, right? But don’t fall into the trap of thinking you need an experienced lover. What you need is a lover experienced in pleasuring you. And one of the marvelous things about marriage is having loads of time over the course of years to get to know one another’s bodies and learn how to bring one another pleasure and ecstasy. Of course, you have to use that time, not neglect it. But my husband and I have now made love thousands of times. Consequently, he knows how to push my happy buttons, and I know how to push his. Plus, we’ve had opportunities to try new positions, activities, locations, and more. With all that experience, we’re practically experts in having sex with each other.

Playfulness. So here’s a peek into my marriage and my morning: my husband and I showering together and trading bad pun jokes. Yep, we enjoy a little yuk-yuk with our yum-yum. (Translation: a little humor with our sex.) Somehow in all these years, we seem to have moved past a bunch of the awkward self-consciousness, and into a place of saying and doing all kinds of things that are just fun. I’m not saying I never have self-doubt in the bedroom. I most certainly do. But we’re able to laugh with each other and even at ourselves (fall off the bed, anyone?). My husband is playful with me, and I with him. I’ve smiled and laughed with my husband more in the bedroom than I could possibly recall, and we plan to keep smiling.

Spirituality. It might seem like an opposite thing to say our marital bedroom is playful, yet deeply spiritual. But it isn’t. I believe every sexual union I have with my husband is blessed by the Heavenly Father himself. Our sexual intimacy mirrors the relationship Christ longs to have with us and reminds me of His fervent love for me. Making love in marriage is agreeing with God’s beautiful plan for us to become one flesh. My bond to my husband is like no other, and it deepens our sexual experience. Inviting God into your bedroom by asking Him to bless your union, by praying for your marital intimacy, even imagining His approving nod reinforces your understanding that this isn’t merely a physical act — but an intimate expression of covenant love.

For all those reasons (and maybe a few more that involve how hunky I think my hubby is), my husband is the best lover I’ve ever had. Without a doubt. And we intend to just keep getting better.

I think your husband is, or can become, the best lover you’ve ever had. So tell me: What makes your husband the best lover ever . . . for you?

Freshen Up Your Foreplay

My husband and I took swing dance classes once. It took us a while to get the basic steps down, leaving little opportunity to add much else to our repertoire. So while we can swing dance a bit, it’s mostly a 1-2-3-4 count in our heads and not a lot of flare. Although we enjoy getting out on the dance floor, it would be fun to freshen up our footwork.

Do you feel that way about sexual foreplay in your marriage? Like you’ve got your moves down, but you revisit the same 1-2-3-4 steps again and again? How can you freshen up your foreplay?

Playful couple in bed

Get Romantic. Add some romance to your repertoire. What sexual moves convey l’amour?

  • Turn on music and dance, a slow dance that arouses your senses and melds your bodies.
  • Give each other body massages or a sensual massage of your private areas. Find a massage lotion or oil you like, especially one with aromatherapy elements.
  • Take a bubble bath together. Spend time in one another’s arms soaking in the tub or soap one another up.
  • Introduce food into your sexual play, with anything from feeding one another strawberries, to teasing with whipped cream, to licking off edible body paint.
  • Light candles and set the mood for a beautiful night of lovemaking.
  • Wear something romantic, like a peignoir set (that’s the silky nightgown with matching robe), and dab on a little perfume.

Get Creative. Where haven’t you had sex that you’d like to? What positions haven’t you tried? What activities have piqued your interest that you’d like to give a go?

  • Get away from the bed for a bit. Head to the privacy of your garage and “make out” in your car’s back seat or your truck’s bed; pitch a tent in the back yard and get some lovin’ under the stars; or huddle in your closet for a hot-and-bothered session of sex.
  • Pull a chair into your bedroom and use it try to out a different sexual position — like he sits-you-straddle — or to facilitate a different angle for oral sex.
  • Grab some props. Gather a few items with texture or temperature — like a feather, heat packs, sensory massage balls, a silk scarf, an ice cube or chilled hard-boiled egg — and take turns exploring the sensations as you touch each other’s bodies with the item(s).
  • Go blindfolded. Grab bandannas and blindfold yourselves, then feel your way through the foreplay. Let your hands do the talking.

Get Playful. Don’t forget that foreplay can be a playful, even humorous, experience. Welcome mutual laughter into your marriage bed.

  • Grab a board game and figure out how to make it part of your foreplay. You can play anything from Battleship (sunk ships earn sexual goodies), to Twister (right on red, bodies entangled), to the tried-and-true Strip Poker. There are also many board games for couples focused on sex, including one of my favorites, Bliss(Note: If there’s an activity in a game you’re not comfortable with, have the caveat you’ll skip that one and try another card/roll/etc.)
  • Introduce word play into your flirtation and advances. Can you come up with puns or phrases that make you both smile and look forward to lovemaking?
  • Tickle each other. Yes, tickle. Not the way your big brother did when you were little and you cried “uncle” so he’d stop. But find those places on one another’s bodies that make you smile and giggle just a bit, and then play with them.
  • Grab a Nerf gun. It’s a good motto for life really: If all else fails, grab a Nerf gun and see how that can improve your mood. Actually. load that baby up with water and squirt away at each other.

Get Spiritual. Have you ever brought God into the bedroom in a big way? How about reminding yourselves how spiritual the sexual experience is?

  • Pull out Song of Solomon and read through together (it can be quite titillating).
  • Pray over one another’s bodies; start with the head, then extremities, torso, and finally the pleasure spots – exploring each place sensually, praying over each God-given body part, and then pleasuring that spot thoroughly before moving on.

Think out-of-the-box and come up with your own ideas to freshen your foreplay. Now what fabulous ideas can you share?

And you can find more ideas from me in Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives.

Sex Savvy book coverHow’s your sex savvy?

Do you want to be a hottie in the bedroom without sacrificing holiness? Would you like someone to share real-life tips on making the most of God’s gift of sexual intimacy in marriage?

J. Parker of Hot, Holy & Humorous gives candid advice for wives on everything from kissing to oral sex to orgasm to sexual positions — all from a Christian perspective.

Whether you’re a new bride finding her way around that king-sized mattress or an experienced wife who wants that mattress to sing, this book can boost your sex savvy and improve your marital intimacy.

Purchase ebook:

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