My husband and have been married for 9 months, now. We waited until marriage to be sexually intimate, but when we were engaged we had a few discussions about what we expected. I had built this idea in my head, that I would be pursued by him sexually at least 4-5 times a week– we are newly weds, for heavens sake! Much to my immediate dismay, my husband and I didn’t even have sex that many times the first week we were married. His thresh hold seems to be about 6 days. Mine is more like 2.

I am so sick of feeling guilty for having a higher sex drive. I didn’t ask for this. I would love to be content with what he is, but I have tried, and it leaves me feeling unwanted and angry.

I have prayed about it. We have talked about it. He seems to try to understand, but it hasn’t changed much. He isn’t watching porn, he wasn’t abused, and when we are together things are good. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel like his love is so great that he can’t hold himself back. I am sick of initiating almost every time. I am sick of him forgetting how long its been, when I can always recall.

I know he is always stressed out, and he is tired. I have tried being spontaneous. I have suggested that since our work schedules don’t always sync up, that we might try to have sex during the day. But, he really seems to only feel comfortable when its in bed at night.

I fear that since we are having so little sex now, that as time goes on it will just continue to decrease, and he won’t be the least bit worried.

I just want to express how much I love him, I want to feel the same expression back. We did figure out each others love languages, and we try to use them. This is the biggest hurdle we have run into, in my eyes. I cant even tell how worried he is about it.

As the years went by and children came along, and my drive naturally lessened due to lack of sleep and demands on me as a mommy, I stopped asking as much and he didn’t take up the slack. So sex was less and less frequent. Then one day he had trouble getting an erection, and that was that. Game over.

I understand now how powerful that is for a man and how devastated it must have been for him. At the time, however, I was “if at once you don’t succeed, try, try again!” and couldn’t understand why he wasn’t willing to give it another go!! So time marched on, as it will, and weeks became months and months became years and before we knew it, a dozen years (YES TWELVE YEARS) went by and we had not had sex. Now that isn’t to say we didn’t discuss it, argue about it, ignore it, etc, etc, etc. But nothing changed except my resentment and my feelings of inadequacy grew.

Finally, I said enough is enough, so four years ago, I dragged him to his doctor and insisted they have “the talk”. He got a prescription for ED and all was well, right?? WRONG!

Turns out I’m still the higher drive spouse, and he just doesn’t care if we go weeks on end without being intimate. Combine that with the fact that he doesn’t enjoy touching, or kissing, he’s never touched me intimately with anything other than his “manhood”, he’s never brought me to orgasm any way other than intercourse, he’s never performed oral on me and a host of other don’ts. Not only that, but he doesn’t want me to do oral on him, touch him too much down there, kiss him intimately (i.e. with my tongue) or use any position other than missionary. He wants a certain type of lingerie, certain type of lighting and gets very impatient if I ask for him to touch or kiss me a certain way, talk during sex, make noise during sex, etc, etc.

Yes, we’ve gone to counselling. No, it didn’t help. It won’t when one spouse won’t read the resources suggested or listen to the CD’s provided or look up the websites recommended. In other words, he just doesn’t care that much. He loves me, I know he does. But we’re primarily roommates with occasional benefits. When we do make love, he claims he enjoys it and while it leaves me wanting more very soon, it seems to have the opposite effect on him.

I’ve prayed for God to take away my desire, I’ve prayed and begged for God to give my husband desire for me, I’ve gotten mad, sad, depressed, resentful and every other emotion known to man. Nothing sways his position. We have a talk every few weeks when my resentment and sadness spill over and I can’t hide it from him. He promises he loves me and wants to try. So I get my hopes up once again, but as time goes on, he reverts back. I honestly don’t think he’s addicted to porn, or is having an affair or anything of the sort. He just doesn’t want it.

We will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary soon and even though I love him with all my heart, I am realizing how much we’ve missed out on in our marriage. It could and should be so much more but I am just about to the point of completely giving up. I don’t want a divorce, don’t want an affair but I also don’t want to have to do without intimacy for the rest of my life. Occasional sex to release his random need is almost worse than the dozen years we had nothing. At least then I wasn’t on this roller coaster of hopefulness followed by weeks of hopelessness. I honestly don’t know what to do any more.

Thank you, and yes the worst counselor. Finding a counselor who knows about porn addiction is what I’m going to do. Thanks again for the good advice. God bless you and yours.

Ooh, thanks for sharing that perspective! Yes, a higher sex drive can become a selfish thing, and it’s great that you figured that out and worked on your intimacy.

Let’s go for the whole package, I always say! Frequency, pleasure, intimacy…all good stuff in our marriages. Thanks, David.

I heard the phrase “Is sex all you think about?” many times in the early years of my marriage (now going strong over 20 years!). It was clear that my sex drive was much higher than my wife’s. This actually caused quite a few arguments back then, because I wasn’t ever letting her off the hook, so to speak. The problem as I came to learn, was that I was needy. Having a high sex drive isn’t a bad thing… UNLESS it’s a selfish and needy thing… like mine was. I wanted intimacy at completely inappropriate times… and I was constantly initiating and/or pushing for intimacy because I didn’t TRUST that she would do it on her own. I never gave her the chance!

I took steps to purge selfishness, neediness, and other undesirable behaviors from my being. With prayer, talking with other Godly men, and lots of hard work. I now understand what true intimacy is… and as a consequence both our drives are very high. I’ve heard intimacy is better at age 40 than it is at age 25… I believe they are right!

David

To the anonymous wife who posted that her husband looks at other women. I really feel what you’re going through… having talked to men on the receiving end of spouse with a wandering eye. A friend of mine once said: “My wife is ogling other men right in FRONT of me!”.

I suggested that he approach her this way… before they go out in public again. He should say “Honey, we’re going to a place where people tend to dress a little more provocatively than usual. So if you happen to catch me looking a bit too long in the direction of other women… I want you to pinch me! That will remind me that YOU are the one I want to be paying attention to. So pinch me if you see me doing that. Be careful though… because if I catch you looking at other men… I’m going to pinch you as well!”

Now.. in your case… having a husband looking at other women doesn’t feel very nice. I’m certain that he knows you don’t like it. So the above approach might work to raise his awareness of it. Another approach may be to talk with him about his thought life. You could ask him, “What is it about that woman you were looking at that turned you on?” “Is it purely her looks, her hair, her body parts?” “Is it her confidence or way of carrying herself?” His answers to these questions will tell you how deep his character and integrity is.

I also highly suspect that your husband is addicted to pornography. It has a way of cheapening your marriage and for him to become LESS satisfied with you. Whatever you can do to rid your home (and his mind) off of that influence, would go a long way towards him looking in your direction.

Look into the archives here for more of J Parker’s blog posts… she has a lot to say on this subject.

I’ll be praying for you (and all women who are burdened by a husband’s lack of desire).
David

Wow, I think we have a winner for Worst Counselor of the Decade. Whew. Can you find another one? The only, did I write only? I meant ONLY way your husband is going to change is to have his porn habit brought out into the harsh light of truth. That sin is like a mushroom — grows best when hidden in darkness. Bring it out into the light — he needs to confess what he’s been doing and see the harm it’s doing to your life. He made a promise to love you — he’s not, he’s loving himself. He’s loving something other than you. He may not be loving the plethora of women going across his screen, but he’s loving the superficial release it provides.

Real intimacy is roughly a 1,000 times more challenging than the immediate gratification of porn. In short he needs to man up. Porn is play. Intimacy takes work. Boys look at porn. Men pursue intimacy. Lay down some requirements. Get a new counselor who knows how to deal with the cancer of pornography. I was the needy spouse and tried to satiate my needs with porn. That didn’t work. Open communication and love, and repentance, and reliance on the Savior has. It’s taken years, but it’s been a glorious transformation within our marriage. It takes patience, work, and forgiveness.

He’s likely been addicted to porn longer than the eight or nine years of your marriage. Of course he doesn’t think he’s addicted — it does the cursory job of satisfying his needs. Where’s the problem? Right? While there’s work for both of you, he needs to change, and he needs to start now. God doesn’t want him involved with pornography and He doesn’t want you suffering.

Thank you for the hug via my phone, and your understanding. I well not let the enemy take my joy thru this pain anymore. The more I have my husband read blogs and articles like yours the more his heart opens to me.
Thank you so so much