I’m not sure what you’re asking. I did write a post on analogies for sex: https://hotholyhumorous.com/2014/06/5-random-analogies-for-sex-in-marriage/.

THANK YOU

Oh my goodness. I’m so sorry. What a struggle — for both of you!

I’ve written some on bringing up difficult topics like this. For instance, How to Talk about Sexual Problems with Your Spouse. I also wrote recently for a woman who struggled in a way that sounds similar to yours (although I don’t know if abuse was involved there): My Shy Husband is “Grossed Out” by Sex. It does sound like your husband is having anxiety attacks, which is understandable for abuse victims. Many of them even have PTSD.

I encourage you to talk to him outside of the bedroom, explain that you see this is a we problem now that you are married (not just his problem), and reassure him that you are okay taking time now to fix things so you can experience a lifetime of physical love together. You may need to affirm that you still see him as the heroic, masculine, wonderful man you married. This is a challenge you can overcome together, and you want to be his “helpmeet” (Genesis 2:18) in this journey.

Then talk about resources together, and decide which ones to pursue. You can offer to go with him, or he can go alone — figure out which approach would be best and more easy for him to do. There are many confidential options you can consider. He might even be more comfortable seeking medical or psychological help across town. But note that psychologists and counselors will not reveal to others why they are seeing you, so if he or the both of you do run into someone you know, his past will remain private.

I do hope the perpetrator of this awful abuse has met with justice. Sexual abuse to a child has to be one of the most heinous things a person can do. My heart goes out to your husband. Blessings!

I don’t see your email in my inbox. Send a question for Q&A to hotholyhumorous [at] gmail [dot] com. Thanks! And thanks for getting the book. 🙂

I’ve heard great things about the Stephen ministry. Thanks for mentioning that!

Though I am not a Methodist, one great thing they’ve been doing is called the “Stephen” Ministry, where a church member is paired up with another, hopefully more elder, church member who can be confided in and who will pray with and for you and give you Godly counsel. Sounds like just the thing for issues like these. The devil (note small “d”) would have each of us believe that our problems are unique to ourselves and nobody else is undergoing them, which is far from true, and believing that lie keeps us isolated from the Christian fellowship that the church is intended to provide.

I have a mentor-friend I can be honest with when things get tough. She has been a huge blessing.

And just a word of advice I am spreading: if Boundaries and Boundaries in Marriage don’t make sense to you….you just aren’t grasping the Boundary concept, read Boundaries With Children. Seriously!

My heart aches for you. Sadly, your situation is not entirely unique. Your frustration and despair are understandable. I wonder why your wife holds the view of sex that she does. Sometimes, there’s a buried history a woman hasn’t even shared with her husband that helps explain why she is so unwilling. I am praying that God will prick her heart, and she can open her eyes to how much sex would mean to you, and could mean to her, if she would engage in physical intimacy.

There is indeed hope. Marriages have turned around, even after such a lengthy struggle. Blessings!