I understand the concern, but there are definitely other possible explanations. Speaking to a counselor could well be what he should do, though. There is clearly something amiss. Thanks, Jason.

Interesting guy perspective. Thanks!

First, let me say there may be another simple reason – Men want to do things well, really, really well, and sometimes if we cannot do them well or do not know what to do, we can be embarrassed or will feel pressure, and it might be enough that some men may just not do them. Your new husband may have no idea what he is doing and so his reactions may be rooted in simply not knowing what to do with you. Here is where as a wife you get to show your husband how and where to touch you, and it is an effort in mutual exploration so be patient, give it time and be sure he knows that you are not experienced but are just trying to make an effort, and you’d really like for him to learn with you. Once you build his confidence a bit he’ll be more comfortable trying things that you yourself may not even know or care about except for the – oh wow!, and that is the beauty of a Godly marriage and the years you will have together.

Second, of all like any newly married couple you need to spend time exploring each others bodies, that you seem to have waited for so much, is definitely not a bad thing it just means you have a lot to learn about each other and a lifetime to do it in. I doubt he is digusted by the French kiss as much as he simply does not know what to do, be loving and gentle and let him in his own time. sometimes it is easier to try kissing with our mouths if we’ve used our tongues other places first. So let him start by licking you somewhere, anywhere he wants first.

Go slow but be persistent. He lets you touch him so he wants your touch, the ticklish reaction may just be because of the way you touch him. We learn how to touch our mates from our mates, absent prior experience with each other they will usually each touch the other how they want to be touched at first and then gradually learn how the other responds best. If he acts ticklish it is probably just a natural reaction to a touch that is light, it might be what you prefer, but may be too light for him. Touch him a little firmer, and slowly work to those spots until he gets more accustomed to you touching him. You do not want him recoiling in response to your touch or in anticipation, so be a little firmer and like most young men probably more around his genitals. Let his responses guide you. Same for the kissing he may not feel confident or comfortable yet in using his tongue so make it safe and ok for him to try.

Touching you, he just may not know what to do and so he gives up, so tell him what you like, tell him that you just like his touch, he needs a lot of reassurance from you that he is not messing up or that it feels good, the more feedback you give the quicker it is going to go. Bed adds another layer of pressure as in he needs to get it right and bring you to orgasm, so remove the pressure and just let him do what he will and ask him to touch you here or there in this way or that way, that you think he could do it really well and it would feel wonderful. You are encouraging him to master your body.

Sorry this is long. Praying for you.

I’m not the only K posting so I apologize for the confusion if any, but one of us is clearly male and the other seems to be female, since I’ve been using it a while I’ll stick to it.

You make an excellent point J, Pre-marital counseling in Churches is lacking. I would say it is one of the biggest gaps there is confronting Christian marriages today, so many young couples are unprepared, with relevant practical knowledge and expectations, but are also unequipped to resolve differences, or how to communicate in a loving and gentle manner. If any counseling occurs, it is often incomplete, does not last long, and the intimate details can often be missing completely or lacking in enough substance to be of any help.

I tend to advocate couples see their pastor but also seek out a married couple they admire and inquire if they would agree to be an additional resource. I don’t mean just anyone but the couple you feel comfortable with who is visibly still very much in love and has had experience of a marriage of sufficiently long marriage a decade or more, get to know them because they may be more than a valuable and trusted resource, but a lifeline short of counseling or therapy.

Many churches have couples who have gone through training to provide an extra element of premarital counseling, but use it as an extended resource follow up during your first year and not just as the sessions allow, but are committed for at least the first year to help you. That’s a little better. But you still need to get to know them, they may not be a good fit for you later.

The young couple that writes was so focused on purity, that they may know all the verses, especially if they are very conservative and had little physical contact. But I would not be surprised if practical advice is missing.

This is tough stuff. Because (1) I’m only hearing your side, and (2) I sort of hate to say what I truly believe, because it could sound harsh. Well, here it goes anyway…

Balderdash and poppycock! I can’t stand that “it’s just not who I am” excuse for not being obedient to your Heavenly Father and loving to the person you married. So if I suddenly decided that showering just isn’t who I am, can I stop grooming altogether and stink like yesterday’s trash? Of course, you shouldn’t say that to her. (At least not with my snarky tone.) But continued resistance to a loving sexual relationship with no willingness to converse, pray, change, seek help, etc. is selfishness and rebelliousness. And that’s hard to say…about anyone’s spouse.

Now there could very well be more to this story. Like if I sat her down, would she have her own litany of complaints? Quite possibly. She might have some relationship reasons for withholding that would make sense once I talked to her.

But it’s just not okay to repeatedly tell someone to get over something that is a reasonable, God-given expectation for marriage.

What to do? You are still held to the standard of being loving and patient and kind, etc. when you deal with her. But don’t stop pursuing answers. And pray — pray a lot. You need time with God to strengthen your resolve to remain faithful regardless, to ask God to change you in any ways that need changing for the sake of your marriage relationship, and to request His working in her heart and her life. You may not be able to say anything that changes her, but not giving up, remaining loyal, and bringing her before God again and again may trigger something in the future. I’ve heard several stories of years and years of struggle, followed by one spouse’s seeds of desire sprouting in the other in unexpected ways. Redemption is possible.

I am praying for you.

It’s very helpful! Testimonies are often the best forms of advice. Because they’re not, “I know exactly what you should do,” so much as “Here’s what worked for us!” And that could be the very thing that works for someone else.

Thank you, and I’m thrilled your sexual intimacy is improving. Good for you being intentional and prayerful about your marriage.

Over the next several days, I realized that he wasn’t nearly as “into it” as I had thought he would be. He had spoken of his deep excitement prior to our wedding, and he did seem to enjoy our activities, but he wasn’t much into trying new things. I was a bit confused, and decided my best bet was to try to improve our marriage as soon as possible, using all the wisdom I had available to me. I had read the Bible and prayed a lot for our marriage, read this blog and the Sex Savvy book, and read a couple other Christian marriage blogs/books regarding what a wife should do in marriage. I realized that if our marriage was really bad I would certainly try to fix whatever I could, so why wait until it reached that point?

Over the following weeks I thought a lot about what to do, and kept on praying. One day, as though a light bulb went off in my head, I realized it very well could have something to do with my husband’s past. He grew up in a very Christian home and was the “model” boy, but he had admitted to me before our marriage that he had occasionally watched porn when he was in his teens and college. He had told me that he stopped when he realized the impact it would have on a marriage relationship as he began to think about heading that direction, but from my reading I felt sure that it could have some impact on our present life.

The next step was what to do about it. And as I thought and prayed more, I became convinced that he was a bit uncomfortable with his sexuality. I wondered if he was holding back because he wasn’t sure if I would think it was okay. Whenever I would ask for something he would do (or try) it, but he definitely wasn’t pushing boundaries to explore. I wanted so badly to feel desired and wanted, and wished he would just haul me off to our bedroom at least once, but it just didn’t happen. And so I set about making him more confident in his sexuality. Who better than his wife, I thought, to affirm him in that area? I made sure to verbalize my positive thoughts about his body and how much I enjoyed looking at him and doing things to/with him. It felt like too much talking, but I think he slowly started to accept that I really was attracted to him and saw him and his sexuality as a very good thing.

Over the past few months (we’re still newlyweds) I have seen marked change. He will initiate sex more often (hooray!) and has lately been on a kick of thinking up new things for us to try. I make a point of always enthusiastically trying whatever he suggests, as I want him to know that what he is thinking and would like to do with me is fine and within our marriage covenant. It is so incredibly encouraging to feel like he is becoming more confident and I have definitely learned a ton in the process about how to build him up, affirm, and encourage him as his wife.

Sorry this is so long…please edit or delete if you don’t think all or any of it is relevant. But I wanted to share our story as we have some similarities in situation. I hope it is helpful.

Blessings~

Thank you so much, Luke. I think this is very helpful.

(And good for you helping your wife feel comfortable and learn to enjoy physical intimacy.)