I finally learned to view sex this way more recently too, as comfort to me. Sex had been a major problem after our second daughter was born because of severe PPD, so as we planned for the postpartum period after our third, I made sex a priority and was surprised how comforting it was for me in the midst of my recurring depression. Comfort sex is different than other sex… It’s very raw, somehow. But it was an amazing way for my husband to communicate, “I see all of you and even in your dark moments, I still choose you. I still want you.” Very comforting when my depression tried to convince me I was worthless and no one wants me. Sex counteracted that lie and was therefore very comforting to me during that time. It wasn’t particularly orgasmic for me by any means, but there was such a deep sense of safety there I had never let myself experience before. Very emotional.

That said, I’m glad we are back to the fun stuff now. 😉

There was a post by another some months ago, suggesting that a husband might be able to say he hadn’t been sleeping well, and sex would help, or he simply needed physical release so “let’s have sex.” Most days, I could be okay with that now too. But at the time, I winced, grimaced and cried. I was horrified to have something frightening, vulnerable and painful for me equated with a sleeping pill or receptacle for semen.

Thus, I identify with the wife here, and laud SomeoneElsesBigGuy for his patience.

I’ve been strongly tempted to offer comfort in the form of sex to my significant other in the past. Not really to seek comfort in that way, only to offer it.

From my naïve position, it seems like it would help. When you’re feeling so overwhelmed with emotions, it gives you a concrete channel for expression with someone you love.

All well said.

I realize now that this “issue” has to be taken in context: “when we feel “safe.””…that seems to be the core of our issues, or at least a better starting point than whether sex is comforting or not.

There is a lot of known emotional baggage that she is working through right now, and intimacy is a struggle. I do my best to support her, and FWIW, I have no plans on confronting her or pushing this idea. Frankly, “forced” comfort isn’t what I was looking for then or now. My reason for asking was for my own understanding and benefit. Sometimes you just need to hear that you aren’t completely out in the weeds in your desires.

That said, I know I have my own things to work on to create the safe environment. I have been counseled to be patient and loving (both of which are hard….faith is easier than patience sometimes, even though they are one and the same at times). I am working on myself as best I can, and while her rather aggressive and negative reaction to me on this and other things makes it hard for ME to feel very safe, my calling is to love and server regardless. It is all I can do.

Sex as comfort I think only works when things are going well and damage from the past or present is repaired (or repairs are well under way)/

Thanks again!