Well said.

Before I was taught about sex, as a 10-year-old, I realized that there were two things that turned me on — nudity (or the hint of it), and cruel violence. So my Dad told me about sex (and 10 was way too late), and that clarified the cause of the first. But I kept my mouth shut about the second.

I think somewhere in my brain, something wanted to protect a woman if she was being hurt, and some Godly wires got crossed, and I wanted the hurt itself.

Regardless, STAY AWAY. Don’t watch horror, or more horror than you have already seen. That urge, like homosexuality, has no godly outlet.

Is there a truly great movie, that has cruel violence in it that might get to you, but not to others? Stay away. You are vulnerable. Pray, and then just obey. Maybe it’s really also a great movie. Not worth it. Stay away. Others may not be tempted by it. You are. Stay away.

I’ll tell you, nothing feels freer than walking away from a sexy movie that all your friends are watching, and knowing that they are laughing at you, and knowing that God loves you, and has won you, and that you are free.

The less you feed it, the weaker it gets. I’m 42 now, happily married with two kids. We have a great sexual relationship that doesn’t involve any sadism or masochism, and I don’t want it to.

On the other hand, the nude women part? That DOES have a just outlet. You were made to want sex so that one day some woman can have the honor of pleasing you, and she wants a man so that you can have that honor too. Don’t feed that either, and don’t worry, it won’t get weaker. 🙂

(And to the more important topic, that was to the side of what you wrote — Please don’t hang yourself. God made you on purpose. We don’t see it, because we don’t get to look in the little book that’s all through Revelation– only Jesus is worthy. But God made you on purpose.)

Yes, I believe I mentioned counseling in the post.

But I think one of the problems of Christianity in the past has been a complete unwillingness to link what happens in the marriage bed to our walk with Christ. Sure, many have been too prescriptive. But often we don’t talk about it or think we can be prescriptive because sexuality is private, although I don’t see that approach in the Bible. Rather, God does not shy away from the topic of sexuality and having something to say about what that should and should not look like.

Firstly, a point about the language we use. Terms like ‘BDSM’ come with a lot of baggage and seem to imply a whole subcultural world of assumed identities, multiple partners and ‘The Scene’. And anything that derives itself from even loosely from the Marquis de Sade is going to be problematical for a Christian. His whole thing was atheistic, anti-moralistic and socially transgressive – and he was psychotic.
While we can’t be totally deaf and blind to the world around us, I do think we need to filter and challenge what the media serves up as ‘normal’.
Secondly. I believe that married partners need to work out the mechanics of their own relationships, pretty much wherever that takes them. Obviously, for Christians this needs to be deeply informed by Scripture and by a genuine desire to serve one another, but I don’t think it’s right to be prescriptive. It seems to me that what’s done in the ‘bedroom’, especially if it’s a new or slightly adventurous thing, should be talked about extensively and explicitly beforehand and maybe afterwards too. Everything we do should be to build one another up and never about self gratification.

Lastly. I’m not an expert, but it seems that the original correspondent has been trying to work out a deep-seated trauma. Maybe a counsellor’s office rather than the marriage bed is the best place to do that.

“It would increase intimacy because one person would be significantly more vulnerable than the other.”
“One of you is very helplessly vulnerable, and the other one is literally in a much more powerful position and could abuse that and there’s nothing that the vulnerable one can do to stop it.”
“…but it builds intimacy because it’s a thing that they haven’t shared with anyone else, but that the two have walked through together and seen how each one reacts.”

Sorry, I still stand by what I wrote earlier…I do not see how this type of sexual activity builds intimacy. This sounds like such double talk and I can never understand how a Christian especially views this type of sexual practice to be a way to build intimacy or to be God-honoring.

Having fun and being playful in our sexual activities with our spouses is perfectly fine, but this crosses into life threatening if taken too far. And neither I nor my husband would ever think of hurting the other in the name of intimacy.

Lots and lots here. I tend to think along the same lines, that the love God describes as ideal conflicts with many of the practices in BDSM.

When you start looking into domination/submission in the BDSM world, quite frankly it can get pretty creepy. I don’t know why a major shift in power is necessary for couples to become aroused and feel satisfied in the sexual act. And I certainly don’t see that dynamic reflected in the descriptions of marriage and relationships in the Bible. Thus, I’m not prepared to sign off on that.

That’s my perspective, though I recognize we must choose for ourselves and go before God with our own consciences.

I do wonder though if it possible to separate the domination and submission from the sadism and masochism. By that I mean that if a couple prefers for one to be ‘in charge’ or the one who initiates, that is not as harmful as sadism and masochism, which always involves pain.

So drop the sadism and masochism in the garbage where it belongs, as well as any kind of humiliation or degradation (which can never be cool) and then you’re left with a certain dynamic that some couples might like. Just a thought…

You may not yet know what you believe about BDSM, in relation to what God intends but the fact you are asking the question poses two facts.

1. You ask the question because you know something is wrong with it.
2. You ask the question so your desire to perform the action your conscience questions can be justified and silenced. aka Seared conscience or self justification. (Jeremiah 17:9-10; 1 Timothy 4:2; Acts 28:27)

Again another way to look at it is when a Husband and Wife come together it is called commonly as “love making”, not “fury making”, “pain making”, “anger making”. What is driving this desire?
It cannot be love because if the outcome of your actions results in your death or the death of another (even accidentally just do a search and you will find quite a few instances) you have a lot to answer for (see Deuteronomy on Laws regarding accidental death and death caused by negligence.)

Besides love is a very silly word in English because it means too many things that have to be interpreted in context.

When the Bible is talking about love it never uses the word “Eros” which is the passions and where we get our word erotic.
It does use Philos as love between friends, family etc and Agape the love that is the highest form of love. This is the love we should be growing into.
Such love is NOT feelings based. The 20th and 21st Century idea of loving is very inverted and Satanic (if you understand what Satanism is in it’s purest form as mere seeking SELF (not crucifying self), the I WANT (which is Idolatry “eidololatria” – to serve what you see) then the application is far greater than sexual.)

As Jesus said “If you love me keep my commandments.” John 14:15

Jesus give us the definition of love “Agape” as Keeping His Commandments.

That is what John who had the title “the apostle Jesus loved” said in 1 John 4:17-18

“Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.”

You fear God if you are not doing as He commands, (and of course this is the beginning of wisdom, see Psalm 111:10) when you do as He commands you stop fearing and start loving (aka obeying God).

Now apply this principle to BDSM, or even just forms of strangling and does that conform to the image of Christ. (Romans 8:28-31) Is that how He loves His Church / Bride?
His seed is His Word (Luke 8:11) and He washes us with His Word (Ephesians 5:25-26), He places His Word in us to bring forth fruit (Matthew 13:23). I think you get the metaphors.

This is an issue only the anon questioner can answer between His own conscience and God because he will find black and white areas in the issue, the difficulty comes when you deal in the grey (only to Mankind. God does not see grey issues, take deep consideration of that).
God may have to convince you of the truth in this and that can leave you feeling condemned and rejected of God. Again re-read Romans 8. )

He has had to convince me in many things, only now am I learning how good it is to submit to His will. Now I can truly start to pray “thy will be done” because prayer means “to bow to the will of another.”

Seek God in helping you to loathe whatever is driving that desire and power and change it into your desire and passion to war against the your own flesh do it with great zeal. (Believe me when I say that such a suggestion is enlightening to me as I write it for you. Just make sure your zeal is balanced with knowledge of His Word.)

Our life here is a war, we have all noticed that as God leads you on in His path that there is nothing in this world that does not attack us to take us from His Truth and lead us away by our noses as mere chattle.

As scripture says “Work out your salvation.” (Phillipians 2:12-13) Work it out, study, seek God and engage a conscience attitude in disallowing the mind and heart to wander by it’s lusts. God WILL change you.
And no I have not achieved that either. we are all being sanctified as the dross is removed to purify our mettle.

May the Lord bless and strengthen you.