Comments on: Q&A with J: How to Handle Arguments in Your Marriage

By: J

Tue, 25 Aug 2015 17:29:08 +0000

Some couples do manage to have a good marriage without arguments, but I resist the idea that argument-free marriages are necessarily better.

I don’t believe the Bible requires us to avoid all conflict or even arguing that is respectful and results in closer relationship. Studies also show the absence of overt conflict is not a predictor of marriage health (see the Gottman Institute). I just don’t want a struggling marriage to think that now they must not only have a good marriage, but one without any arguments. My own marriage isn’t there, yet we have a healthy, happy marriage.

Best wishes, Lindsay!

By: Lindsay Harold

Lindsay Harold — Fri, 14 Aug 2015 00:56:40 +0000

My husband and I developed a plan to avoid arguing over our disagreements before we were married and it must work because we’ve never had an argument in more than 5 years of marriage.

http://lindsays-logic.blogspot.com/2012/05/how-to-settle-disagreements-without.html

By: Keelie Reason

Keelie Reason — Fri, 14 Aug 2015 00:39:11 +0000

I wonder why we argue about how the other person feels. I believe it might be because we would have to accept responsibility for the way we’ve made them feel. If we just say they shouldn’t feel that way because that is not how we meant it, then we are kind of pushing off our responsibility in the matter. Definitely some good advice here.

By: princevinco

princevinco — Thu, 13 Aug 2015 23:43:53 +0000

When we realize that most a time, an argument is like a rubber band that its value is obtained by stretching it. In other words, an argument among couples most a time helps to get the best out of us. However, women could argue with their husband without puncturing his ego. It is violent arguments that puncture a man’s ego, and I counsel every woman not to do anything that tampers with their husband’s ego.

Men generally will do anything to protect and preserve their ego, that is why women who insist on having their way in an argument is trying to puncture the man’s ego which men do try to resist. In other words, I see an argument as trying to point out your opinion, and when an opinion is pointed out, don’t insist on having your way with your opinion. A better option of the argument must be allowed rule.

By: agnesv

agnesv — Thu, 13 Aug 2015 18:09:23 +0000

excellent post, J.! thanks a lot.
I am also a discuss-here-and-now type of person, and my hubby also withdraws when I try to confront him on the spot. and, as I’m the higher drive spouse, I always feel that I need to confront him the same night when I wanted intimacy and it didn’t happen. okay, I know I shouldn’t talk about sexual issues at night and in the bedroom, but I always feel so unwanted and sad that I can’t stop crying and I just can’t fall asleep without talking to him about these things and getting some release. the problem is that he works long hours, and sometimes he just falls asleep when I expect him to pursue me, so he is already asleep when the time of my crying session comes on. so I try to hold it back, but he wakes up to me crying or just tossing and turning anyways, and he is even more prone to withdraw than he is at other times – the poor guy was just trying to get some sleep, so it’s perfectly natural.
I have just found the technique that works for both of us: when he falls asleep and I feel completely alone and hurt, I just go downstairs, grab my phone and write him an e-mail about the way he just made me feel, and the things that I would like to change. this way, I find my release (talking about the issue), but I don’t get even more irritated as he doesn’t have a chance to withdraw this way, and I am able to fall asleep without first waking him up for comfort or release. the next morning he finds my e-mail at work, and when he returns home in the evening, we can have a calm, outside-of-the-bedroom conversation at a time when I don’t feel rejected or hurt.
but I’m going to use these techniques as well, especially when it’s daytime and we aren’t talking about sex. 🙂
Blessings!

By: Timmy

Timmy — Thu, 13 Aug 2015 17:34:19 +0000

After 22 years I’ve decided “I can be right, or I can be happy.” Rarely is it worthwhile to push into that territory of having to be right, anymore.

By: happywife

happywife — Thu, 13 Aug 2015 16:59:07 +0000

One thing I’ve discovered is that if I don’t fight to be right, and let it go, more often than not, he comes back later admitting that I was right. Or if he treats me badly, I try to let it go, and he will almost always come back pretty quickly with an apology (I’ll clarify, that when I say “treats me badly” I’m NOT talking about abuse of any kind).
I think it has to do with not triggering that “fight to win” in him. I leave him free to wrestle with himself and let his own conscious convict him.
I’m definitely a “solve the problem here and now” gal, and I have learned to take a breath and let go off my need to control in that way.