Thanks J! I always appreciate how you use scripture as the basis for many of your posts. You don’t use scripture out of context to back your believes. Rather, you use the Bible as a whole to form your conclusions. Once again, your answer supports this. Your blog truly embodies the response you just gave.

I couldn’t agree more with your statement about aiming for what is allowed rather than what is good. Very well stated, and point taken! Striving for what will bring us greater intimacy and honor God in the process is good and what he wants for us.

Growing up, I was taught about the beauty of sex in marriage. But, I was also taught that certain things were wrong and not part of God’s design. Among those things were oral sex and masturbation. Even though I personally never thought they were necessarily wrong in the marriage bed, I still harbored a lot guilt about both. (I do think they both have a place in the marriage bed and can both be very intimate.) Your blog and several others have really helped me let go of that guilt. Thanks for the work you do here!

Like many scholars, I believe oral sex is specifically mentioned in the Bible (Song of Songs 2:3, 4:16). But yeah, if a wife doesn’t want to do that, she should absolutely not be pushed into it. I’ve said that repeatedly as well.

As far my reasoning, I try to engage with the Bible regularly and learn more about who God is and what He desires for His people. If there are specific commands, those cannot be ignored. There are also prescriptions for wise living (e.g., see Proverbs, James). And there are stories and scriptures about what kind of God we serve that highlight principles we can apply to many situations. As we become more like Jesus, I believe we also have a better sense of what would honor His, and our, Father.

All too often, I’ve found in my own life and in others’, we simply aim for what is allowed, rather than what is truly good. I learned my lesson about that erroneous perspective the hard way, but I also think it’s a struggle for every believer to get past their own beliefs and seek what God truly desires. Do I succeed all the time? No, but you asked for my basis of thinking. And I suppose that’s it: Staying engaged with the Word, seeking to grow closer to Christ, and aiming for His will, not my own.

You advocate oral sex, so what would you say to wives who don’t want to try it because they think it’s kinky? Or, perhaps they think performing oral sex is demeaning. One could even argue that there is a shift in the balance of power during oral sex. How do you determine what constitutes kinky if there is nothing in the Bible that directly speaks against a particular sexual act? (I know your stance about SoS and agape love, but is there any other basis for your thinking?)

For the record, I’m a female who is not into BDSM in any way and I love giving and receiving oral sex.

I like what you said here about a small shift in power versus restraint and domination, though maybe you will see this as falling under the latter. My husband likes some very light bondage (think loose neckties around his wrists) because he feels it is super intimate and vulnerable because of that surrender of power. He can so easily overpower me (not that he does) that it is attractive to him to surrender that (or pretend to, anyway). I don’t think it is my “power” or domination over him that is so arousing but rather the surrender of his own power, if that distinction makes sense. As women, we are essentially powerless with our husbands during sex and so we have to learn to trust them with our bodies (and hearts) if sex is going to be great. So when that power shifts (even if it’s just pretend), now the husband feels that need to trust his wife with his body and his heart in a way he otherwise couldn’t understand. I think that light bondage kind of falls under the idea of what is beneficial or not. For us, this builds trust and intimacy.

I don’t like that the OP ‘s husband asks her to do this despite her feelings about it, though. That is destroying intimacy, not increasing it. But I feel like it has increased our intimacy in my marriage–though to be fair we’ve only done it like twice.

I don’t know what you mean by “much more open than the last ‘bondage’ question.” I have been consistently against the vast majority of BDSM practices, and I believe bondage can easily become too extreme. However, there’s a difference between a small shift of power and restraint and domination. I do believe degree matters.

Still, I don’t believe the sex in most marriages would be improved by adding bondage, but rather friendship, sexual frequency, openness, and the biblical principles of love. Spice it up? Sure. But kink it up? Not so much. And I think we’re living in a world too comfortable with kink and in churches not comfortable enough with truly intimate sex.

My wife, the only person I’ve actually tried any of this with, isn’t so fond of it. Its led to some frustrating atguements but I have never forced her to do anything she didn’t want to. I do wish she was a bit more open sexually (overall not just with this…but that is a whole other issue), trying to force it, just pushes her farther away, from it and me. That’s the oppsite of what God or I want

…but it is frustrating.

Thank you! You make some great points.

One small thing: I wouldn’t characterize my position as “basically to each his/her own as long as it’s not in direct conflict to the Bible.” Rather as long as it reflects the Bible’s teaching and God’s design for marriage.