Daily Archives: August 18, 2015

Q&A with J: Preparing Your Grown Children for Marital Intimacy

Today’s question is from a concerned father:

I have 3 daughters who I want the very best for in marriage. How do I send them off when the time comes. Part of me wants to sit them down and tell them all about everything sexual and part of me says let them discover it on their own do not ruin it by telling them. I could explain oral sex for example, I am completely comfortable doing so but would it be better to let them find it on their own? I am sure the situation will vary some from one to the other but what would you do, give them your book?

I’ve written several times about talking to your children about sex. I believe those conversations need to start early and continue through the years. Sex is an embarrassing or taboo topic in too many households, but if you make your home a safe environment to discuss the topic, your children are more likely to engage and ask you questions when they need answers.

Q&A with J: Preparing Your Grown Children for Marital Intimacy

Here’s a rundown of some of these posts:

Talking to Your Kids about Sex: No More One & Done

How to Talk to a Teen about Sex

Is “Don’t Have Sex” Enough for Teens?

Sex: From the Skit Guys

The Oh-My-Goodness-Did-I-Really-Sign-Up-for-This? Sex Talk

What about when your kids are grown? How do you prepare them for what’s to come in marriage? Here are my thoughts on that topic:

Principles > Details. It’s far more important to teach principles for approaching sexual intimacy in marriage than provide details about what that looks like. Even grown children may not want to discuss particulars with you.

However, they would benefit from understanding the purpose of sex in marriage, why it matters so much for marriage, what standards to use when deciding what honors their spouse and God in the bedroom, and what to do if/when they have difficulties. These are issues you can address.

Share scriptures that cover marriage and sex in the Bible (like Genesis 2:24, Proverbs 5-6, Song of Songs, 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, Ephesians 5:22-32). Explain how the chapters on love and the Gospel itself apply to marital intimacy. Let them know what the higher standard is for determining what’s good in the marriage bed. You might even share with them generally about your own walk in this regard — how there have been bumps in your marriage regarding sex that had to be worked out.

Too often, newlyweds expect sex to look like what they’ve seen in a romance novel or movie and to go perfectly from the get-go. Prepare them that sexual love can unfold gradually and steadily, and there will be plenty of time in marriage to enjoy the feast of delights if they cherish one another from the beginning.

Encourage them to seek help if physical issues or emotional misunderstandings arise. Think principles more than details.

Share quality resources. The Bible is the first resource you should freely share with your children. Let them know that all those scriptures about how we should treat each other apply to marriage as well, and they don’t stop at the bedroom door. God’s truth should permeate every crevice of our lives.

After that, I have several posts specifically for newly marrieds:

How Much Should You Learn about Sex before the Wedding Night?

Wedding Night Sex

What Should a Groom Know about His Wedding Night?

Preparing for the Wedding Night

What I Wish I’d Known before the Wedding Night

What to Pack for Your Honeymoon or Vacation

You specifically asked about my book. As much as I’d love for you to buy Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design, that’s not actually the book I most recommend for a young bride. I believe Sheila Gregoire’s  A Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex is a great primer for a woman about to enter marriage. Also good for any fiancée (and wife) is Shaunti Feldhan’s For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men. For couples I suggest The Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Marriage by Jeff Murphy & Julie Sibert and Lovemaking: 10 Secrets to Extravagant Intimacy in Marriage by Dan & Linda Wilson.

Down the road a bit, Hot, Holy, and Humorous would help a wife develop more sexual self-confidence, while Intimacy Revealed can flesh out the connection of our sexuality and spirituality.

These are only a few of the excellent resources out there for those embarking on marriage, to get a better sense of what to expect and to understand God’s design for sex in this covenant relationship.

Give permission for passion. The final role I see for parents is to let their children know that it’s not only okay, but good for them to lean into God’s provision for sexual delights now that they will be in the proper context of marriage. Whether they’ve stayed entirely pure all the way to the altar or messed up some along the way, convey that you want the best for them in their marriage — and that includes a satisfying sex life.

Why is this important? Because I hear again and again and again from wives who struggled to make that shift into their marriage. They focused so hard on staying a virgin that it feels wrong or shameful to unleash their passions, even in marriage. Or maybe they engaged in sex before marriage, but they carried a load of guilt — however light or heavy — and this burden weighs on them in a way that they struggle to embrace what God wants for their sexual intimacy.

Even when we’re adults, we look to our parents for guidance and approval. Of course, that’s not all that matters, but you can play a positive role for your grown children by letting them know that sexual love in marriage is a beautiful thing and you want them to experience its fullness.

Do you have to get specific? I don’t think you do. Honestly, if you’ve been talking in your home as they grow, and you’ve been available for questions, and you lead them to good resources, laying out exactly how things work right before the I Do‘s won’t make much difference. You’ve already done your job, and they know where to find you if they need help.

Opening up to my fabulous readers, how do you believe we can best prepare our children for godly sex in marriage?