Normal’s overrated. 😉

No, no, no! Stop comparing your marriage and thinking others are “normal” because he pursues. If you pursuing works, go for it! I don’t see how it improves your marriage to basically call your husband a liar, refuse to have sex, and sleep on the couch. Please consider what you’re doing and how you can make things better for your relationship.

I feel badly because I never knew I was making a fool of myself. From all the marriage blogs I’ve read, the husband is the pursuer, and the wife the pursued. I never realized I was throwing myself at him. I must have looked desperate and incredibly needy. No wonder he wasn’t as interested as I was, I wasn’t making it fun by making him “chase” me. all I knew is that I loved being with him. I didn’t know I was supposed to be holding out. I am still horribly embarrassed over the whole situation.

Now sometimes I’ll read “wives, your husband would like you to initiate.” Yes, I guess so, if she’s never done it, or if he’s really into her. But once I learned my husbands lack of interest was probably due to my over initiation, I stopped cold turkey. Every now and again I’ll forget myself and come on to him, and he will often respond positively. But then I hate myself for days for giving into my desire for my husband, and not holding out like the more attractive and desireable wives do. So I rarely enjoy the actual sex anymore, because about halfway through I start kicking myself for not being able to control my desire to be with him. It’s SO frustrating.

That’s why I’ve taken to sleeping on the couch. He says he doesn’t like that, but it keeps me away from him and lets him get a good night sleep.

There used to be a website written by a higher drive wife, but then she gave it up. She said there were problems in her marriage but she never said what. I pray for her when she comes to mind, but her site is long gone. Unless you are thinking of another site.

But to answer your question, that’s why I feel so lousy about initiating sex. The real shame is, we used to have a decent sex life, or at least I thought so, but once I realized I was basically coercing him into pity sex, I had to give it up. He says that’s not the case, but of course he’s gonna say that. Just read the blogs. In a normal marriage, the husband wants the wife far more than she wants him, he does the pursuing. On rare occasions, as a treat, she does the initiating. But it’s supposed to be the man pursuing the wife, not the other way around. I had the whole thing backwards.

Perhaps some men also don’t initiate as much out of shame. We get a lot of mixed messages from our culture and it’s easy for men to feel ashamed for simply wanting sex. I do and it really bothers me in spite of being aware of it. The church hasn’t always been helpful either here. I just spent a few days with my parents since my father had to have surgery and I had to sit through my mother complaining that much of the ills of the world are the result of how powerful the male sex drive is. She’s a Christian by the way. Fortunately, I long ago reached the point where I don’t take stuff like that from her seriously anymore but it was still painful to hear. Needless to say, I didn’t get sex positive messages from her when I was growing up.

It was infuriating to read about other women complaining about being pursued! That must have been so hard to listen to. I truly wonder though, how often complaints like that come from a place where the person takes being able to have sex for granted and might sing a different tune if suddenly they weren’t being pursued anymore. So often, when we take things for granted, we don’t appreciate them as much as we should. Just my thoughts. Thanks again for your blog.

B — I am so sorry. Feeling rejected sexually brings its own heart-wrenching pain. It’s unlike anything else. I’ve had enough tread on the road to have experienced a number of incredibly painful moments (as everyone has). But this brand of hurt has a unique way of filtering into every little nook and crevasse.

Because it seeps so deeply into our souls, it becomes so much harder to root out. We pray and pray and pray for the pain to cease. For our innate sexual desire to wain. We pray to find that healing balm of Gilead to at least make it all bearable.

I just wanted you to know I’m sorry for what you are feeling. As you’ve seen in this blog you are not alone. I remember a wonderful neighbor of ours confiding in my wife how tired she was of pursuing her sexually lackadaisical husband. It was a revelation to my wife (and me). By having another woman express the pain of her situation, my wife was able to better understand how I had been feeling. Would your husband be up for reading some of the comments found within this blog? I realize how difficult that may be; you are already hurting and asking your husband to open his heart to reading and understanding the effect he’s having on your life requires the risk of more pain and more rejection.

There was a great talk in church a while back about how we need to step into the darkness for the Lord to show us the path. As we venture with faith in Him, He will show us the way, but it takes us putting that foot forward for that light of faith to appear.

I pray you will be able to find that sure footing and that balm to heal your heart. Thankfully J. Parker has created a safe-haven for these almost unbearable challenges to be brought out into the light. So, so very sorry.

B,
first off I am FAR from the best husband. I am a hard driving very successful businesses founder and owner. I set the bar very high for my wife and kids and have valued them based on performance, yeh like an employee, very hurtful. I do find my wife very attractive and pursue her often. I get the lead up and frankly really enjoy some good flirting with her to set the mood for later. Problem is she is totally not into it, she has NEVER said no once in 25 years, but has she let me know she desires me, no, too embarrassing for her. I would love to ravish her but don’t get the communication she even desires that. I would say from experience, when I was totally consumed in work I was way less assertive regarding sex. Not at all the “I am not good enough” stuff you are feeling. I know for sure my wife felt that way and I was totally lost in work. had nothing to do with her. but since she never initiated, never said this important, never said I need this, I want you in an intimate way I just fumbled through. All this to say I think you’re being hard on yourself and your husband, there’s probably a whole lot going on that has nothing to do with your attractiveness. I understand how it makes you feel, I feel that way today in my marriage. No she is not a refuser but sends the message that I do this because I know it is IMPORTANT TO YOU. I want her to engage in intimacy with me her husband because she enjoys it and has no emotional baggage with it.

Why do you feel badly for initiating before? There is now way that marriage is “supposed” to work (beyond loving each other as outlined in the bible). There is no command in the bible that says a woman shall not initiate. There is nothing in Genesis that says that Adam chased Eve around the garden and then they knew each other. There is nothing in the epistles that says men shall take the initiative for sexual intimacy. So don’t feel bad about it. Averages doesn’t mean that’s how it’s supposed to be. Most people these days live together before marriage and have multiple sexual partners. That doesn’t mean that’s how sex and marriage is *supposed* to work. There is at least one entire website dedicated to higher drive wives. You see them come out in the comment section of lots of marriage blogs. You are definitely not alone. So like J says; don’t beat yourself up about it. Negative self-talk never solved any problems. Like ever. In the history of the world.

Fun fact for you. Paul from the marriage bed says that the Jews thought of the women as having higher/ more powerful drives. Apparently they actually had schedules of how many times a week a husband should make love to his wife based on their occupations.

It seems that lots of people have problems with the idea of scheduled sex. Not even only in a case of mismatched libido. Some people just find it really un-sexy it seems.

They’re not kicking sand in your face. Many of those wives have struggles too — just different ones.