Interesting idea. I think more couples start with phileo…

I’ve written quite a bit on rejection! Here are just a few:

Q&A with J: What Long-term Sexual Refusal Does to Your Spouse
Q&A with J: “I Feel Rejected All the Time”
3 Things Higher-Drive Spouses Long For
Two Words Your Higher-Desire Spouse Needs You to Hear
Just Because He Stopped Asking Doesn’t Mean He Stopped Wanting

I encourage you to hang in there, though, because I definitely hear from couples who struggle with sex for years in their marriage, finally got a breakthrough, and went on to have wonderful sexual intimacy. And they are so glad they didn’t give up.

Blessings!

I’m relatively new to the site——I’d love to hear more about dealing with rejection. I’ll look around but if you have any links for stories here that might help I’d be forever grateful. I’ve been dealing with this rejection since before we even married and I thought it was just something I was doing wrong, but I’m on the verge of preparing for divorce because the more I’ve finally focused on me the more rejection I’ve been getting.

This article wasn’t focused on that particular issue. I have talked many times in the past about the frustration of long rejection. Hoping your marriage gets better!

Same with my wife, and we’ve also only been married 2 years. She simply doesn’t think there’s a problem or says I’m too sensitive but I think what this article leaves out is just how bad constant rejection can hurt when you do the things listed above for years with no change. I’m on my third counselor in 3 years because I kept thinking the problem must be in my hands.

You are welcome. 🙂

Hi J!

Thanks for your reply and letting me rant. I felt the need because I have heard the love/respect gender differences emphasized in MANY Christian settings in ways that I think are both incorrect and unfair to men and women who do not fit into the gender characteristics that are often presented as universal and Biblical (men are logical/women are emotional, men are wild at heart, women are captivating, men are natural leaders, women are natural followers, men are warriors, women are nurturers, etc. etc. etc. I love your blog partly because you don’t do that!

I should have emphasized that I really liked your post and it has great reminders for how to make your husband feel loved. I also love many of the resources you listed such as Gary Chapman’s love languages (all his books are excellent). Dr Harley’s books are my favorite Christian marriage books because he is very detailed in what to do to improve your marriage and emphasizes what he calls the “policy of joint agreement” to work out differences and decide things so both spouses are happy.

I also really like the scientifically based marriage books by John Gottman and Sue Johnson.

Thanks again for your courage in writing about a lot of subjects Christians don’t talk about but really need to. You’re an inspiration!

Yes, you can rant. However, I think Eggerichs emphasized an aspect many marriages were missing by highlighting respect. As a woman who struggled with that question of whether I’d prefer love or respect, I know that doesn’t apply to all wives. However, it’s helped many marriages I personally know about. As with most marriage philosophies, the general statement doesn’t apply to a lot of people, but there are nuggets of wisdom within. In my post, I pretty much folded respect into how we show love to our husbands, because I think that’s a good way to understand it. And of course Ephesians 5:33 doesn’t negate all of those scriptures in which we’re instructed to love one another, including our husbands, so respect is hardly a cure-all. It’s simply one part of a whole.

I read Kristen’s post and thought she did a good job overall, but I’m not all that excited about her paraphrase. She took quite a bit of liberty there, in my opinion. I’ll keep to the original in my head, but I absolutely agree that wives should be respected and we must look at the vast number of Bible verses and overall admonition to love, love, love — which includes husbands.

I understand that the book has been helpful to some couples. It does provide some good information about the distressing cycles that couples can get into. However, I believe the Eggerichs’ Love and Respect books and misuse Paul’s Ephesians 5 admonition for husbands to love their wives that was radical in that culture when women were uneducated with few rights.

While there may be tendencies for men to choose respect when asked to pick between respect and love because of nature/nuture, it is certainly not a universal trait defining manhood (nor is the opposite choice of love for women) and it is certainly not the correct way to interpret that passage that is a beautiful example of Christ’s call for the powerful to use their power to honor those considered weak (see also I Corinithians 12 for another of my favorite passages!)

Kristen Rosner had a great post on this topic…in which she quotes a similar survey of highly educated women who chose respect over love.

She also brilliantly paraphrases a modern day version of how we can read the passage taking in consideration the culture it was written for.

“Understood this way, what Paul is probably saying about love and respect in Ephesians 5:33 is probably something more like this:

“Husbands, in this marriage relationship you have a lot more power and agency than your wife does. I’ve already told you to lay down your power and position just like Christ did, in order to raise your wife up as Christ raises up the church. So love her as Christ loves the church! Deny yourself for her sake; don’t deny her for your own sake. Don’t treat her as only a vessel to give you offspring, or as a servant to take care of your house. Don’t go visiting prostitutes or keeping mistresses. Put her needs first, give yourself for her, and treat her with the care you use to take care of your own body.

And you wives, I know you didn’t choose this man you’re married to, and that your consent to this marriage may have meant very little. I know he’s much older than you. I know that society has placed you as a woman, under male authority. So I’m not expecting you to be able to give your husband the kind of self-giving love that I’m expecting him to give you. But since in many cases you’re still considering your primary authority over you to be your father, I’m asking you to turn to your husband instead. I’ve already surprised you by treating you as not merely a possession for him to rule– I’ve spoken to you as one who has a choice in the matter, because you’re free in Christ. I’ve asked you to choose to submit to him voluntarily, and to consider that a service to Christ. So don’t rebel against your husband, but respect the authority society has given him. I’ve told him to lay down his power and privilege and raise you up as Christ raised up the church, so if he does as I ask, you’ll find yourself by his side and sharing his power, rather than beneath him and obeying his power. “