Ugh! I wish I’d read your comment earlier! As the posts go on, I often lose track of the older posts. But your comment is eye opening. Because…

We had this very exact argument/discussion yesterday. We are very much on a crazy cycle, very much – almost exactly – like what you described above. I mean – almost exactly.

One of our big problems is that my husband (who I love deeply) does not like to talk about feelings, emotions, issues. He’ll listen, but he just sits there. It’s infuriating and it sure seems like he just could not care less. To me, silence is just another way of saying “you are not worth talking to.” It makes me crazy, and if he doesn’t answer, I draw my own conclusions.

The male perspective is helpful. I don’t always like it, but it’s helpful. I most of the time assume that my husband is telling me what he thinks he “should” say, not what he means. I know Im wrong a lot, and I know I should believe my husband more than anyone else. However, you have no reason to tell me what I want to hear, and in some ways that’s helpful. So thank you!

As for the stress, yes, that’s a BIG part of it, and I HATE it. There’s a part of me that appreciates how hard he works and tries to understand how tough his job is. And there’s a selfish part of me that feels very jealous that work is so important to him and consumes him so much. He actually admitted yesterday that sometimes the pressures of work consume him so much that he doesn’t even think about sex. If I initiate, he gets into it, but i stopped initiating when I realized men were supposed to be the pursuers – never vice versa (except for a rare surprise). All I was reading started to make me feel desperate and pathetic, so I backed off.

So yea, our problems are multi-faceted, and not all related to the fact that I’m not his type physically, but it’s still a painful part of it. The good news is, we are making progress. Slowly, but, some progress is better than none.

Thanks again for your helpful comment!

Well-said.

B,

I’ve read your painful posts before and my heart breaks. Let me offer some insights from a male perspective. What I hear from you is that you are defining your beauty by they way your husband reacts to you. You say he is uninterested. Even if that is the case, it doesn’t mean you’re not beautiful. Male sexuality is not as simple as “see beautiful woman, get aroused.” Many things spark our interest and a woman can be drop-dead gorgeous and have no affect on our libido. Your husband may not be interested in sex, but that could be due to stress, the busyness of life, or other relationship issues having nothing to do with your beauty.

Okay, he was silent when a coworker commented on your beauty. If I could be so bold, I think you’re reading far more into his silence than he truly felt. Believe it or not, we men often fail to verbalize what we feel, and we definitely fail to say what our wives think we should say in social situations. And, the knowledge of our verbal failures only makes us more stressed about saying the right things; so we just clam up. Better to remain silent than to say the wrong thing. His silence doesn’t mean you’re not beautiful. More importantly, notice the situation. A *coworker* commented on your beauty. I would never, ever, ever, tell a man he had a beautiful wife if it wasn’t true. The coworker thinks you’re beautiful. I doubt he was just trying to make polite dinner conversation.

And, yet, despite his lack of interest, you say your husband tells you you’re pretty, and you don’t believe him. You’re going to get yourself on a crazy cycle here (“Love and Respect” by Emerson Eggerichs) He says you’re pretty. You don’t believe him and tell him so. He gets discouraged and stops complimenting you. You then conclude you’re not beautify because he never tells you that you are. But, he never tells you because you never believe him. He gets frustrated and it affects his libido, not because you’re ugly, but because you won’t believe him when he tries to tell you that you’re pretty. His decreasing libido causes you to conclude that you’re repulsive. The more you feel repulsive, the more that attitude gets conveyed to your husband and the more disinterested he becomes.

The whole world thinks you’re beautiful, and moreover, tells you so. And, yet, you refuse to believe it solely because of your husband’s lack of sexual interest. Deal with the two issues separately. His interest is not the standard by which to measure your beauty.

As I wrote in another post, God’s final and most beautiful creation was woman, intended to be beautiful both naked and clothed. I also quoted C. S. Lewis. Please see my post re “Flowers,” if you’re interested.

Eric

Hmmm. Good point. Thanks, Katie!

Correction, Style By Jury is the name of the show.

Back a couple generations, it was common, at least among middle classes and higher, for girls to be “finished.” They were taught, even in public schools, to have poise, do well in the home, speak well, dress well, and care for themselves.

In some circles, it may have gotten extreme, one-dimensional, and misogynistic and there was push-back. Women shouldn’t be valued for their appearance and social prowess. We have minds, capabilities, dreams, career focuses. As with most push back, one extreme is countered with another and in this day and age women are no longer taught the fine arts of self-care, poise, presentation, etc. We jump from one fad, fashion, or magazine article to another. We just don’t know! And we face a world that says beauty matters so much, but at the same time you are superficial and not a good feminist, or you are too vain and superficial and immodest to be a good Christian. And we deal with a personal inner longing to be beautiful and desired by our husbands.

I loved the show Trial By Jury where women were made over, not just outwardly, but inwardly with counselors and life coaches. They were sent a stylist to help them choose clothing for their body type and he always had something positive to say about their figures. The results were women who were “finished.” Confident. Poised. Beautiful.