To elaborate further, I’ve told her that its not just sex. Sorry I didn’t mention that in the reply. I just figured that since the original post was about sex that I would bring up that area.

As for asking her for non-sexual physical touch, absolutely I’ve asked. For example, most of the time I’m the one who has to initiate something like a kiss, an surprise hug from behind, physical closeness like snuggling.

It just feel extremely unbalanced in terms of languages because her primary language is words of affirmation, so I tell her constantly that I love her, I compliment her appearance, give her uplifting words when I know she’s had a rough day at work, etc.

About the exploring the why of the refusal, I’ve tried that but it didn’t give any results.

This is worth a whole post, honestly. Because when people say, “My love language is physical touch,” and then go on to primarily describe their need/desire for sex…I’m not sure they’re reading their love language right. In the book 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman asserts that sex is a “dialect” of physical touch. But I think sex can hit on every single love language, and it’s also a physiological need at a different level than the emotional needs listed in the five languages.

My point being that, in your case, if you’re saying to your wife, “I need physical touch,” and that all translates to sex, she might well feel used to meet your need rather than her offering you love through this act. If physical touch is indeed your love language, have you asked her to be affectionate without sexual expectations? That might be the place to start. Many wives shut down when touched if they feel like it’s all a game to get to the real deal of intercourse.

I don’t know enough in your scenario, but I think you’ve expressed your own desires well enough. Maybe you need to explore further the deeper why of her refusals. It’s not “I need sleep,” but there is some reason she isn’t engaging. Pursue that answer and maybe you’ll find something you can work on. Blessings!

What do you do if you acknowledge your partner’s favorite love languages, you show them their languages with an honest and heartfelt effort, and then when you ask them to do the same for you they don’t?

My favorite love language is physical touch. I’ve told my wife this several times. Any time I try to initiate (I can’t even remember the last time she initiated its been so long), there’s always some “excuse” that comes up for why we can’t have intimacy. Whether it’s “I need sleep” (even after she just got 12 hours of it the night before and it’s only 7 o’clock at night), “I don’t really feel like it right now”, “Not tonight, maybe later this week” (then when I ask later this week I still get a no), etc.

Even when I do get sex, I feel like its just being done out of obligation. There’s literally no passion to it. I feel like I’m doing it alone.

The gate keeping she’s doing hurts me to the core. I’ve tried explaining this to her and the only response I get is “its not you”. I honestly don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I’m trying my hardest, and it feels like I’m not even getting so much as an attempt. I feel like I’m being clear in my communication, so I honestly don’t get why things aren’t improving.

Any tips or advice on how to improve the situation?

No, a good counselor will not “fluff” you and give platitudes. I certainly wouldn’t waste my time and money on that either. A good counselor should help you define the issues better, understand their origin, reframe your own viewpoint, and come up with concrete steps toward improvement.

And you can ask around without revealing why. I know plenty of people who’ve simply said to friends, “Hey, do you know of a good Christian counselor?” If someone starts to dig into why, it’s your prerogative to say, “I just have a couple of issues I want to talk out.” The End. You don’t owe people the details.

Also, where to look? Try some of the larger churches in your area, many of which will have a counseling center within their walls or associated with them. If you can look up the churches online, you can probably see if they have such services. Or give them a phone call and ask.

Be active in getting the right help, B! I am praying that things get better for you. Many blessings.

I wouldn’t know where to look. Our church doesn’t offer counseling (that I know of). I really don’t wanna ask around because it’s an embarrassing question.

A couple years ago I asked my husband to go to a Christian marriage weekend with me. He agreed but then backed out as the date drew closer. I figure he didn’t think I was worth it. I know he has no interest in couples counseling. He thinks the issues are all mine. That he loves me and I just need to accept that. But even his bailing on the couples weekend tells me more than his words ever could.

Plus a counselor is just gonna fluff me and say things like “just believe in love” and “don’t think negative thoughts” and I’m not really into motivational speeches.

Gatekeeping is NOT the answer. I know you’ve commented many times, B. Please, please sit down with a godly counselor. Your view of this situation is not healthy or helpful, especially when you continually call your husband a liar and question his love. His reasons for lack of interest may have nothing to do with his attraction for you, as there are plenty of causes of low desire. There are many higher-drive wives out there — you are not alone. I pray that you will seek help and work on building your home, not tearing it down (Proverbs 14:1). I am praying for you.

Thanks. This is very interesting! I need to do more research on this.

Since Andrea has said little, I can only make general comments. If hubs is getting older–past 40–men do start to slow down. Weight is an important factor. A man with a waist size of 44 or larger will have difficulty getting an erection, and guys usually gain weight as they get older. I went from 32 (6 feet tall) at marriage, to 39 in two years on my wife’s good cooking. I then cut back on the eats. 50 years later, I’m 43 inches–too big, I know, but within reason for my age and height.

Testosterone? Has his been tested? Mine is low, and I use an Androderm patch. It’s expensive, but my insurance pays for most of it.

Hemoglobin low? It could be as simple as taking an iron pill or two a day. Or there could be internal bleeding from something such as a hiatal hernia–not usually a serious problem, but it might require surgery. Low hemoglobin will drastically affect a man’s ability to have intercourse, and the cure is usually simple and inexpensive.

Bottom line: get hubs to your doc for a physical and blood work. All the problems I mentioned above have to do with general health, as well as ability to function sexually. Some are serious; most are easily fixable. Guys tend to keep their cars tuned up and let their bodies go.
Eric