I have some concerns about turning to a vibrator too soon, but it sounds like you diligently tried many other avenues previously. I’m not sure, however, how the “mental component of concentration” changes with him vs vibrator. Thanks for your comment!

Actually a man can ejaculate without having an “orgasm” as most of us describe them, as there is no intense sense of feeling of pleasure, just the release of semen. I would say it is more common in younger men who are trying to control their orgasm, and in so doing they can lose the sensation. depending on how bad the “miss” is – most men who experience this are capable of continuing the sex act – since there may be no refractory period or just a slight one, before they can become fully erect again. But many men never lose a full erection. Likewise it is also possible to ejaculate little if nothing but still experience an orgasm….the body will produce the ejaculate needed for sex so in men who are newly married and having quite a lot in a short time this is not unusual, until the body learns to make more.

One suggestion John, if you are holding back and trying to let her go first, that takes time and concentration for a couple of years, so talk it out and you occasionally may have to just let it go and finish her another way or you won’t get the intense orgasm feeling you want. On the flip side oral sex will almost certainly give you a more intense orgasm, so find what works for you both and try to enjoy the moment more, she will understand.

Okay, honestly…what I want is to chat with your husband. “Man up, dude, and make your fingers work the magic!” Okay, I wouldn’t be that crude, but I would encourage him to be patient about this process and recognize there is nothing wrong with him if it’s difficult to get there — that’s just how it is sometimes. But based on my own experience and talking to others, once you do put forth the effort and figure this out, the next orgasms tend to come more easily.

It’s always hard to answer a reader’s question without all the information and not going back and asking follow-up questions. I hope something here still helped, and I am praying for your situation. Especially that your husband’s work schedule calms down, because stress truly can make a guy less willing to engage in sexual intimacy, especially long foreplay.

Many blessings! It’s definitely a challenge when you don’t know when/how things will get better. In fact, I’ll be writing about that very soon…

As for the vibrator, I typically share your viewpoint on those, but I got it for a couple reasons. 1) hubby’s schedule was very hard on him at the time and it was causing our encounters to be shorter and shorter. I thought it would make things good for me while not overtaxing him. And 2) I was starting to wonder if he wasn’t really crazy about getting his hands dirty, no pun intended. I know he doesn’t really enjoy giving oral so I thought maybe there’s a possibility that he’s not really comfortable getting too involved down there for an extended period of time. I figured if that was the case, maybe we could use something that would shorten the time I need and be easier for him to figure things out. Vibrators are way easier to figure out than stimulating with fingers. Its nothing overly kinky. It’s just a egg shaped vibe and doesn’t replace penetration, and I had planned to toss it once we had figured out how to get me across the finish line. I figured it was healthier for the relationship than crying myself to sleep after making love because I felt inadequate. Because that’s what it had come to after a year and a half of trying my best to no avail.

We’ve had honest conversations about me not being able to finish, we’ve read a couple Christian books on it, many times I’ve come to bed having invested lots of time and thought into setting the mood. Nothing changes, and I’m so tired at this point. I don’t know what else to do. He loves me and I love him. I know he means well, but this area has brought so much sadness for me. Maybe once I feel more at home in our new church I can talk to an older lady about it, but for now I think I just need to forget about it and stop pursuing mine. Reading about it and trying harder hurts at this point when things don’t improve.

Thanks J. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to answer my email.

By all means, go ahead and write an article about it if you like.

No links right now, but I’ll check this out more. Maybe something in a future post?

Thanks for linking the article. I will try some of this with my wife and see how it goes. Assuming this does work though and I can last longer, do you have any links about how to increase sensitivity? My problem isn’t that I cum too quickly, my problem is that I don’t ever seem to get a good feeling from it. I’ve been trying to practice control to make it last longer (hoping to increase sensitivity), but am having no luck.

I really do appreciate the link though.

It sounds like you need to work on extending the build-up. The Marriage Bed has an article on rapid ejaculation which might help, or at least be a starting point.