Replying to my own reply… 😉 One of the things that makes this so hard – and something I don’t think I’ve seen discussed much – is that as a refused spouse it’s really easy to take your focus off what YOU (what I) should be doing and become preoccupied with what your spouse isn’t doing. That’s not what we are called to do and it’s not what makes a marriage work, so I find myself in this loop that starts with “what should I be doing that I’m not doing” and generates some more introspection and love-work but then yields to discouragement and, honestly, blaming…and then the cycle starts again. I really don’t want to do less than God calls us to do, but this area is super-hard (and super-hard to have good conversations about, even when the rest of your conversations really work pretty well). No easy answers…

Thank you for understanding. 🙂 I agree that we are a very impatient culture, focused on what we are owed rather than what we should contribute…focused on having rather than being, buying our way out of problems rather than acting and changing our way out of problems.

I think that Paul speaks part of God’s direction and desire in Phillipians:

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

The sexual connection in marriage is so fraught. But it is not open for question, I think, that we were created as sexual beings – we promised each other to relate to each other sexually as well as emotionally, intellectually and in every other way – and unless the married partners both agree that they have chosen to voluntarily relinquish that part of their selves and their relationship, it is very hard, since there’s no other honest, godly way to address that element of who we are.

So…we should press on. I press on. But at some point, I think individuals can reach the conclusion that the relationship has fundamentally departed from its proper, intended scope and after prayer and counseling and a lot of repentant self-examination leave a marriage. 🙁

As a sort of post script (which you may or may not want to edit out, due to some of the recent stuff going on at that blog), I ran across a post several weeks ago that I thought made the point that we should act, not feel, and give, not seek to receive, in our marriages. It’s here: http://momastery.com/blog/2014/04/17/lie-truth-marriage/ [J’s warning: The linked post has a couple of instances of profanity.] If you needed a kick in the backside to get yourself back to work, this is a pretty blunt reminder. 🙂

Yes, I agree that it can rise to the level of intentional unfaithfulness. As a culture, we tend to give up too soon, so I’m constantly advocating for people to hang in there. (Especially since I know my own story of hanging in for years and being so glad I did.) But I know that in some situations, a spouse absolutely will not change no matter what you do. In that case, I would seek wise counsel to make sure I was doing the right thing before I walked out. But I get where you’re coming from; I really do.

Praying that something changes in her — I know you married each other for a reason, and I’d love to see your situation redeemed. Blessings!

I have wrestled with this at length and come to the conclusion that if there is no change in the relatively near term it’s time (and was probably time long ago) to end the marriage. For background, we’ve been married 35 years. The first 25 were very low frequency (~ 2x/year) and the last 10 have had no physical contact at all. Since late last year we have discussed this a great deal, with no change. There is still a wall of can’t/won’t/don’t between us that starts with “don’t kiss me on the mouth” and goes all the way up from there.

I have come to the conclusion that it’s outright sexual unfaithfulness and that it fundamentally negates me as a person. There was no “…as long as you don’t touch me, kiss me or try to have any kind of sexual contact with me” qualification in our vows, and there are no health or past abuse issues standing in the way.

I don’t know how much healing either of us can grow into at this point, since we’re now in our late 50s. Unwinding all of that history (and I know my mind and spirit has been badly damaged by the pattern that we created together in our marriage – and I’m sure that’s true for my wife as well) will be immensely difficult.

At the end of the day, I know I at least will be much better off without the constant drag of rejection and denial, the expectation that I should live happily literally as a eunuch, and without the unavoidable resentment (I’m sorry, I wrestle with this all the time – but dealing with the resentment is like trying to control the Columbia River: no matter what you do, there’s always a huge new quantity upriver coming at you).

B, I’ve read your painful posts many times on this and other blogs, and my heart breaks for you. When your husband says, “…tell me what else I do wrong…” my guess is that he’s not hearing your pain, but rather accusations. We men can be a little dense like this; our wives are pouring out their pain to us, and all we hear is that we’re awful husbands and total failures as lovers. If he feels like he does everything wrong in your eyes, then it will be harder for him to generate sexual desire.

I’ve discovered this in my own marriage. I’ve tried telling my wife how painful it is when she doesn’t want me to make love to her (or even kiss or touch her). Then it dawned on me that having a pained, needy husband probably isn’t very sexy to her. I’m at an age where I’ve come to realize i will probably go to my grave without ever having the sex life I would like. But, as J aptly points out, God still expects me to love my wife as Christ loves the church. That means accepting her as she is, low libido and all. I’m learning to be okay with that. My job is to love her; hers is to respond. I can only deal with my side of this equation. I can’t make her respond, and complaining to her is counterproductive. I still do things to let her know I’m sexually interested; I just do them without expressing pain or even expecting a response. For example, I’ve begun sleeping naked. It lets her know I’m ready any time she is. I don’t mind that she doesn’t care that I’m in the buff; it makes me feel good even without her response. You say you have a closet full of sexy things for his eyes only. Wear them anyway, without being concerned about his response or lack thereof. Wear them because they make *you* feel good. If he responds, fine; if not, that’s okay, too, because you still have the pleasure of knowing you’re a sexy woman.

I’ve heard plenty of sermons holding both spouses responsible. And if you read my blog, hopefully you know that I believe husbands and wives are equally responsible before God and to their spouse to be faithful and loving. I’m saddened that you’re going through this, and I pray that things improve…somehow.

First, because my daughter has made it clear that if I divorced her mother, she would never forgive me. Second, because very few people believe that a woman would act like she does, and because church people believe that it is ALWAYS the fault of the husband. Every sermon eulogizes women and demonizes men. Women who insult their husbands are funny, Men who ever hint that a woman has any fault are told they are terrible jerks. All a woman has to do is to make the slightest hint that her husband has done something wrong, and every person she ever sees immediately runs to support her. A man who suggests that his wife might have done something wrong is told that he is a selfish jerk who just doesn’t understand women.

I’m the wife, not the husband.

I feel very unattractive, and some husbands don’t get it, either.