Daily Archives: November 21, 2015

Sex with Your Spouse: Why Not Tonight?

All too often, spouses begin with the mindset of why should we have sex tonight? Maybe their drive isn’t naturally high, there are so many things on the to-do list, fatigue is setting in, or a myriad of other reasons. They want to hear a good argument for why they should expend the extra effort and energy to engage sexually with their mate.

What if you flipped that mindset entirely? What if instead of asking why, you asked why not? Even better, why not tonight?

Sex with Your Spouse: Why Not Tonight?

What if your default position was yes? Would it change your frequency, your willingness, your participation? If your spouse knew that when he/she requested sex, your natural tendency was to beam a big smile and happily exclaim, “Sure. Why not?!”

A lot of marriages are facing tough problems, including low desire on the part of one spouse. (See Monday’s post, for example.) Given any particular scenario, we could break down the issues involved and make specific suggestions for that couple. But for many marriages, much of the hoopla would fade into the background if one or both spouses took the stance that why not is a far better answer than why.

Unless you’ve got some truly major obstacle to engaging in sexual intimacy, you could simply make the decision to give it a shot.

♦   If you’re not in the mood, go ahead and tell him. But then say, “Why not?” and ask him to take a little extra time to turn you on and get you in the mood.

♦   If you’re especially tired, go ahead and admit your fatigue. But then say, “Why not?” and let her know you need her to take the lead when it comes to energy.

♦   If your to-do list is extra long, go ahead and mention your stress level. But then say, “Why not?” and ask him to help to accomplish items on the list or just put off what you can until tomorrow.

♦   If you’re worried about the kids hearing, go ahead and express your concern. But then say, “Why not?” and go for it, knowing that your kids accidentally overhearing won’t destroy their psyches forever. (I promise.)

Truth be told, there are a million and one other things you could be doing for the next fifteen minutes to an hour, but most of them won’t nurture your marital relationship like regular sexual intimacy can. And too many nights of why, why, why and not enough nights of why not? lead to a set point of sexual intimacy not happening nearly enough.

Mind you, even if it’s enough for you, it may not be enough for your spouse. And their longings and feelings matter. At least you certainly thought so when you vowed to love and cherish them for a lifetime.

Make the decision ahead of time that when your spouse initiates tonight, or tomorrow night, or the next night, you won’t expect him or her to prove unequivocally that sex is a good idea. Rather, you’ll ask the better question: Hey, why not tonight?!

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If you didn’t celebrate my 500th post with me, be sure to head over to that post to get your free downloadable and watch a video interview with me and my husband (aka “Spock”). The randomly chosen winner of the five-book giveaway I announced there is . . . drumroll, please . . . Danielle. Her comment was:

I found your site a little before I got married earlier this year and have been very grateful for the helpful things you’ve posted and continue to post! Keep on truckin, gurrrl! ?

Congratulations on your recent nuptials and the book giveaway!

And thanks for all of my readers’ amazing support of Hot, Holy & Humorous. I can’t wait to celebrate my 1000th post in the future!