My marriage is a month 28 days old, I’m just about to start working this month, but my husband drives nothing less than a total of two hours to and fro his office, daily. He is a workaholic sort of.when we were courting he made most advances to me, but now it’s like a permanent brake has been applied on that desire of his, tho we’ve talked a bit not as much as what I’m just getting to know on this blog now, he has improved slightly, a bit, but I can’t say that my expectations as a newly married wife sexually have fully being met.

I’m not familiar with Caverject. I definitely believe that visiting a urologist before going on such meds is a great idea. Thanks.

I just want to say that I feel like I can relate to what you’re going through.. My husband and I waited until marriage to have sex, and I was super excited for it. To me it seemed like, let’s do this all day, every day! And he was much less enthusiastic. He rarely told me I was beautiful and when he did, just like you, I didn’t believe him. If he really thought that- he’d desire me more- right? I even posted somewhere on this site about my frustration.

Anyway, I think the first thing I needed to do was find that my beauty and worth came from God, not my husband. That way, I could have peace and joy, even in the struggle of his lack of desire.
And then I chose to believe him, and try to understand him. I stopped ignoring his compliments, and complaining how he should have got himself some blonde cheerleader girl instead of me (I’m more plain, he looks a model!).
My husband told me that if he didn’t desire me, he wouldn’t have married me, and I chose to believe him.
He told me sometimes he was tired, and sometimes his body just couldn’t keep up with my sex drive, and I chose to believe him.
I also chose to be less selfish. I don’t think my husband should have to have sex with me everyy single time I wanted it. I decided that maybe we could come to a happy medium.
And most importantly, I decided to have peace and joy in God, keep praying to Him and showing my husband love, even if nothing would ever change.

I just want to praise God and say He’s done so much in our marriage! I think we both feel so much more love and respect and intimacy. We’re now at about 3 times a week and I’m good with that, so is he. I could do more, and sometimes we do. And he could do less, and sometimes we do. But the point is that we work to please the other person.
Also, I struggled with him not being very excited about sex. He made no noise, no expression. It felt like he didn’t even like it. And I learned how to kindly share my concern. Turns out, he’s always kinda felt like guys shouldn’t have emotion, so he worked at not showing any. When he truly learned my sincere desire to see him enjoying himself when we make love, he started working on letting his guard down, and it drives me crazy seeing his pleasure.. He’s not loud or anything, but I feel his pleasure in his heavy breathing, or soft groan.. Every once in awhile he’ll let out a gasp or pant- that does wonders to my heart!
We’ve really had to work on communication, love, selflessness, and trust. But I can say God has turned our marriage bed into a beautiful thing. And we are both so happy with how far we’ve come. God is good.

Please don’t give up.
I praise God that I didn’t.
M

B, i have some observations/ sugestions. You ask why words mean so much; have the two of you taken a love language test? Sounds like you’re physical touch/ acts of service and he is words of affirmation. Have you considered that you disbelieving his words and you not verbally affirming him is just as painful for him as him not accepting or receiving your touch is for you?

I work very closely with men. My closest college whom I spend 50+ hours a week with has no filter. He also works 60+ hours a week, and he has told me when it gets especially stressful and he works 16 hour days, his sex drive dies. I believe him. I can see how tired he is. I also *know* he doesn’t do porn, get it elsewhere or takes care of himself. He’s just exhausted. I can also see how much he loves his wife. So yes, a man can and will get stressed and exhausted to the point that he doesn’t want sex. And it has NOTHING to do with how he feels about his wife. In fact, the reason my colluege work such unreasonable hours is *because* of how much he loves his wife.

Is it possible to get your husband a more reasonable job?

You say men are smart, yes they are. They are not oblivious to body language or attitude either. So you may not be calling him a liar to his face; but, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…

Also, do all of your female friends have the same drive as you? If you can allow variation between females, why is it so hard for you to be believe that there is variation in males as well. All men don’t have the same drive. That’s the very definition of normal. A normal distribution has 60 % of the population in the “normal” range and 20% above and 20% below “normal”. The media will reprort on the 60%. The media also has a vested interest in making people feel that there is something wrong with them. It is therefore an inherently untrustworthy source of information/ expectations.

My urologist prescribed 100 mg Viagra, to be followed by Caverject. It works great.

Both Viagra and Caverject are Pfizer products. Medicare won’t pay for them, and most insurances won’t, either, since they’ve been abused by young men who don’t need them (in some cases to act in porn videos). If you’re interested in more details Google Caverject, and Pfizer Connection to Care or PfizerRXPathways. Then visit a urologist for a prescription; Medicare will pay for the office call. Or your family doctor may prescribe.

Eric (who’s used these meds)

B,

Thank you for your honest response. Please understand that, as a man, when I see a problem, my instinct is to want to fix it, whereas I realize you may just want to vent and feel validated. But, I think you need more than validation; you need solutions. And, since I can’t speak to your husband, I can only speak to you, so it will naturally sound as if I’m putting it all on you.

I indeed saw your comment that you don’t say these things to your husband. But I also saw your comment that, “my husband seems honest when he says that he wishes I felt better about myself, he wishes I felt loved and beautiful.” Somehow you have conveyed to your husband that you feel unloved and repulsive, even if you haven’t said it directly. He sees your self-deprecation so much that he honestly wishes you felt more loved and beautiful, and he is trying to give you those feelings through his words.

You ask, “Why must words mean so much?” I can’t tell you how shocked I am to hear a woman ask that question. We men are constantly taught that our words mean SO much to our wives. Your husband is using the right words, words that most women crave hearing, and you’re not believing him. If I were your husband, I would begin to feel hopeless. Again, my purpose is not to criticize or blame, but simply to point out how your husband may feel.

“What about my feelings?” I hear you think, and it’s a valid question. Unfortunately, your husband hasn’t posted, so I can’t speak to him. If I were writing to your husband, I would slap him upside the head and say, “Enough with the words, Dude; she’s not believing them. It’s time you put your love into action. Come home from work and jump the poor girl; she needs to feel your love physically.”

I also saw that your husband works 6 days 60+ hours a week. You don’t say whether this is by his choice, but as a man, I can confidently say that such a workload is a real libido killer. I wasn’t always the higher drive spouse in our marriage. Two decades ago, when I was working long, stressful, hours, my libido took a dive. I absolutely loved my wife, desired her, and honestly thought she was beautiful, but I had no hormonal reserves to actively pursue her sexually. I was spent. In your earlier post, you wrote, “No man is so tired that sex once a week is more than enough. I don’t believe it.” Well, I can tell you from my own life that I was so tired and spent that sex once a month was more than enough for me. That went on for several years, and it had *nothing*, absolutely *nothing* to do with how I felt about my wife. At no time did I find her unattractive, and I’m sure I exhibited many of the signs you see in your own husband.

I believe that you are operating under the false belief that normal men always want sex and, if they don’t, the *only* reason is that they find their wives unattractive. That simply is not true and I am living proof of it. I suspect your husband is as well.

My prayer is that your marriage improve, and my sole motivation in my comments is to help that happen. I honestly believe there are things you can do to improve your marriage, but as you say, you have “resigned [your]self to the way things are.” All you can do now is accept a sexless marriage and try to convince the world that you’re repulsive. As a “fix-it” man, I don’t see what you gain by that other than the satisfaction of convincing yourself that your sex problems are all your husband’s fault. My concern here isn’t to assess blame, but to seek solutions.

If I could, let me channel my inner “Sheila” and give you a 31 day challenge. I challenge you that, for the next 31 days, every time your husband says, “I love you,” you respond with “I love you, too,” AND give him a gentle kiss. Every time he compliments your appearance, respond with “Thank you, that’s very sweet of you to say,” AND give him a kiss. Avoid any negative comments, even if you’re trying to express your pain. (I’m thinking of the office party when your husband said nothing to his co-workers about your beauty and you pointed out his silence.) I’m sure your husband knows when he’s hurt you even before you tell him. For the next 31 days, act as if you were convinced that your husband saw you as the most beautiful woman in the world. I’m confident that is closer to the truth than your belief that he finds you repulsive.

E2, thanks for your comment. However, you missed a very important part of my comment:

“And don’t worry, I don’t talk this way to him or in public. Sometimes a girl just needs to vent about this very painful subject…”

So your theory that he gets met with the retort “actions speak louder than words” is incorrect, because I do not say that directly to him.

Why must words mean so much? In my experience, people say lots of things they don’t mean for a multitude of reasons. Husbands are smart, and they know what their wives want to hear. Any husband with a brain is gonna tell his wife she’s pretty. It doesn’t mean he actually feels that way. When she’s a tall blonde, and she sees his eyes continually drawn to perfect, petite brunettes, no matter how hard he tries to be subtle, that shouts louder than any words he could say. She knows she is not his type. She knows he is not attracted to her.

When he is so consumed by work that he doesn’t have time to think about sex, she knows he has no interest in her and the line about wanting to spend time together is a bunch of bunk – just more “talk” to try to make her feel better when he means none of it. If she meant 1/10th as much to him as his job did, maybe things would be different.

I’ve made the mistake of believing him before, only to be let down. I know he’s human, but I’ve learned not to let my guard down. It’s safer here behind this wall.

What makes me so sad is, I love him. I long to be loved and desired. To know what is feels to be cherished the way these male commenters claim to love and cherish their wives. What’s even sadder is, my husband seems to want that kind of marriage. I just think he got stuck with the wrong girl. We do love each other, and we don’t believe in divorce. I just wish he’d realized what he really wanted and gotten himself that tiny brunette with a big butt back when he had the chance. I’ve offered to dye my hair and get butt implants but he gets mad when I say that. Because I’m not who he really wants and he doesn’t think I deserve to try to look like the woman he wishes he had.

I’ve resigned myself to the way things are. But no, endless words do nothing but grate on my nerves. If you want to think and tell me everything is all my fault, go ahead. Maybe some of it is. I know I’m not as good as other women, so heap on the criticism if it makes you happy. It’s not like your going to shock me.

I never saw any of these sites until I needed some soul healing. Wish I had seen sooner. You and a lot of other Christian female bloggers do an excellent job reaching both females and males through this topic! God Bless!

I think for many women, we make the decision to engage and then get revved up, while for men it seemed to work the other way around. Which is why I encourage wives to prioritize sexual intimacy in their minds and prepare themselves so they can engage often and enthusiastically. I haven’t reached all wives yet, but I’m giving it my best shot! Wish I could do more. Blessings!