In once sense, we humans are pretty simple creatures. We repeat behaviors that bring us pleasure and avoid behaviors that do not. For whatever reason, talking about sex is unpleasant, perhaps painful, to Mike’s wife. Being told she’s living in blatant sin would only increase her pain, and I can’t imagine any loving, gentle way to say that to a wife. Peter tells us to live with our wives in an understanding way in honor. I believe he meant that we need to read our wives and their hearts to know the best way to speak to them. I can say things to a brother in Christ that I would never say to my wife. I might kick him in the butt and tell him to stop his blatant sinning, knowing that he would receive it as iron sharpening iron in love. But, my wife would never receive such an exhortation as an expression of love. Emotional, romantic, Eros requires a different approach than the selfless, but dispassionate, Agape.

I think “confronting” sounds like “accosting.” And that’s not at all what the Bible is talking about. We’re talking about loving intervention in an effort to heal someone’s hurts and help them onto the right path. You’re right, though, that this can easily be mishandled — which is why we absolutely have to check ourselves and not go casting stones where we have no business to do so. I wholeheartedly believe in prayer, but many times in Scripture we are also told to engage with our brothers and sisters in Christ to keep each other accountable. No threats, but truth and love.

I love that y’all are in a “mind-blowing stage” after 27 years of marriage. What a beautiful testimony!

Hi e2,

I can appreciate your perspective. What would your recommend someone should do in Mike’s position? There could certainly be enough suggested steps, caveats and balancing truths added to what I wrote to fill a book. I’m sure there are many wiser than I who could write it better. It is very easy to become sinful ourselves when we try to confront sin, especially when it has deeply hurt us.

For example, as a husband examining himself it would be good to repent and ask forgiveness for any past sins against his wife that have not been dealt with. Before broaching this subject it could even be a good to have a separate conversation to ask her if there are any ways he has hurt her or past offenses that he has not made right.

And we must all seek to live out Philippians 2:3-4 in our relationships – “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”

I certainly would not recommend giving an ultimatum or asking others to confront her sin easily or quickly. But I do think there is a point where it becomes appropriate, and I think resisting all efforts to address the problem for years would qualify.

Now all that said, even the most loving, gentle, unselfish approach does not guarantee a positive approach. But the hope and prayer would be that when a group of loving Christians approaches her she would be convinced from the Scriptures that she needs to change and desire to do so. Even at that point much love, patience and understanding would be needed by all.

Mike, if you are still reading, I suggest you also check out http://forgivenwife.com/new-to-this-blog-start-here/
You may find her story and testimony helpful.

Kevin

Kevin,

On paper, it’s hard to argue against your advice as you’ve supported it well with scripture. But, I can’t imagine any woman responding with sexual desire to such an approach.

Mike, I have compassion for the situation you are in and that you have “talked it to death.” I encourage you to take the actions Kevin suggested and I would strongly encourage you to go to therapy with your wife. That will be a huge step and I don’t advise it lightly. I hear you say she refuses to talk, but I am wondering if a therapist was involved the therapist could perhaps get to the root of her refusal to have sex and even talk about it. My first thought was to question if sexual abuse or trauma is a part of your wife’s history? I encourage you to set the appointment and invite her to join you.

I applaud your patience and your heart to continue to show love to your wife. That is incredible. I echo the sentiments of Kevin who encouraged you to take your love a step further and lovingly confront your wife. I am sure you have prayed about this situation and I hope you take feet to your prayers and act. So much more is available to both you and your wife in marriage and I sincerely pray that you come to experience that people do in fact “live like this.”
I know it won’t be easy and I pray that you have people to encourage you and hold you accoutable in this. It’s not something to do alone. Blessings to you.

Hi Mike,

I think it’s good that you are able to express the pain and damage in your life this situation has caused. I can’t imagine going through what you have. But I do want to lovingly challenge the resignation you express.

Ephesians 5 tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. This example includes giving himself for her and also working to sanctify and cleanse her and make her holy. You say that your wife is a Christian first and walks her faith daily. I am not questioning that, but at the same time she is living in blatant sin in disobeying God’s commands for her marriage – See 1 Corinthians 7:4-5. Also see the descriptions of marriage in Proverbs 5 and Song of Solomon. Do you love your wife enough to confront her sin? Part of her being all she can be involves living in obedience to God in this area of her life and having a full, rich marriage relationship that matches God’s design.

Loving your wife this way will mean giving yourself for her. You will have to sacrifice your peaceful, dull life without difficult conversations. And you will probably have to accept some impact to the other aspects of your friendship and relationship during the process. And it will require you to pursue God desperately yourself every day. Following Galatians 6:1 means you need to examine yourself before seeking to restore her. Frankly, I would suggest that this includes asking her forgiveness for your lack of love in allowing this sin in your relationship to go unaddressed so long. You will certainly need gentleness. Her past may include much shame, painful sexual experiences, and/or unbiblical teaching about sex.

Perhaps she will still refuse to talk about it. If that is the case you can follow Jesus’ commands in Matthew 18 for dealing with a sinning brother. Are you willing to obey Him even if it involves giving her an ultimatum that if she does not change you will go to your church leadership and other believers who are important in her life for help in confronting her about her sin? This could include older women who are to teach others about loving their husbands – Titus 2:4.

Only you can decide if you are willing to face the risks and accept the cost. Do you trust God enough to follow Him in this and believe He will use it for good?

Praying for you,
Kevin