This is tough. Because I know people who were sexually abused and went on to have healthy sexual intimacy in their marriage. I definitely advise getting this worked out before marriage and not bringing these issues into matrimony.

I’m so sorry for what your husband and you have both been through. I pray God can work mightily in your situation.

To Anonymous and anyone else with a similar concern:

As I’ve stated on this loop many times, I’ve been married 52 years–and I say this, not to brag, but so that the reader knows where I’m coming from. For some couples, the “misunderstandings” will continue for a life time, for several reasons. You and your spouse were reared by different sets of parents, and the things you learned as “gospel” about the other sex (gender) will be a part of you as long as you live. Too, I think it was Kipling who said, “East is East and West is West and never the twain shall meet.” There’s an application in that for understanding the opposite sex. Don’t expect to fully understand your spouse until that day we all meet before the throne of Jesus and are fully in His likeness. Christ, who had no male parent, was the only man with a perfectly balanced temperament, since God took Eve from Adam’s side and split mankind into two opposite persons.

Someone wrote that the guy must be “clean” from porn for two years to be safe. I’m not so sure there’s a time limit on it. I don’t “use” porn, but I recently opened a website and discovered the image of a provocatively posed naked woman. I moved quickly on, but the sight gave me a powerful urge to take another look. The message of 1 Corinthians 10:13 must be repeated in one’s heart in such situations–ALWAYS, whether the man is 18 or 88. God made your man that way, ladies, and no matter how much your husband loves you, he WILL be tempted.

Many, perhaps most, wives never figure out what really tempts their husband. For instance, only yesterday a very pretty young woman (about the age of my granddaughters) popped up in a TV show my wife was watching. She said something about me being tempted. But I was not in the least interested. The girl was pretty, true. But nothing in me stirred to desire her. Many wives don’t get this; perhaps because they can’t. “But she’s pretty,” they may say. When your man passes it off with, “So what?” believe him.

Finally, it may take your husband years to figure out why the moves that turned you on so readily when you were dating no longer work. Men are much more direct in their ability to become sexually aroused, and after you’ve got several crying kids at home, and you’re tired–he comes home and wants “it.” Doesn’t he understand? Possibly not, especially if he’s tired and had a rough day, too.

Most divorces occur during the first seven years of marriage. That’s because, for most couples, it can take that long for you to even figure yourself out re how to treat each other sexually. For instance, right now my wife and I plan to end the day with a movie and dinner out. Not that I wish to do either (I don’t!), but I do love her, and I eventually came to realize that true romantic love requires me to practice some of the things I did when we first started seeing each other 54 years ago. If I had the extra cash right now, we’d end our date at a resort near here, where they have a heart-shaped hot tub in the room with a king-sized bed–something we could not have done when we were dating, even if I’d had the money!
Eric

I agree they should separate. Not break-up per se, but separates for 1-3 months with counseling and accountability for both. They go “too far” sexually and need to stop and address why. She is in essense teaching him to not respect her and cherish her because sex before marriage is NOT protected and cherished because it is outside God’s will.

Secondly, he needs help. He needs to dig deep and address the porn and abuse at its very core because the haze, anger, and aggression are VERY troubling. Self control is so important and you do NOT want to make a man a father who does not exercise self control when people have needs or become troublesome for him. What if he’s all geared up for sex and the baby starts an all night wailing? He may think now that he’d never hurt his child, but if he is willing to express that towards you, he will towards a child. So many of the children who died or are injured at the hands of daddy are because he has self control issues allowed to snap. It actually feels good in the moment to snap. It doesn’t feel good in the moment to address the pain and sadness, instead.

His remorse is good, but not good enough if the behaviors continue unheeded.

Now is not the time for rose petals and satin. Now is the time to put on the armour of God and fight this battle.

She needs to remember we are talking about 10 years worth of brainwashing straight from the pits of hell she is dealing with here. God does redeem and forgive, but there is no way this guy has a healthy view of sexuality. The roughness proves that. And the “haze” does too. This probably isn’t the case in other areas of their relationship, but it sounds like sexually she’s just an object to him.

I discovered my husband’s porn use a couple years into our marriage. We have gotten help, and things are getting better. But I will never forget the deep grief and betrayal I felt when I saw what he had been doing. And I may never feel truly beautiful to him, knowing what he was choosing to watch. So if I could spare a woman who hasn’t made the commitment yet, I’d say run now. You have no idea how much heartache could be ahead.

All of this post sounds very familiar to my dating history with my now-husband (who, by the way, is awesome!). Most of the “red flags” disappeared as soon as sex became legitimate and as soon as he started learning how to do things right. When you’re in the middle of doing something you know is wrong, you try to turn off your brain and just get through it. There isn’t a lot of attention paid to technique, for lack of a better word.

My ex got like this often and as far as I’m concerned, porn addiction does not cause someone to become angry and so disconnected, that is a separate issue which needs to be dealt with before marriage should even be considered.

When there are red flags in a relationship prior to marriage it’s so important to pay attention and realize that those warnings need to be listened to and not just shrugged off. Most often a person is not going to change once married.

I’m not going to disagree with anything that Re or others have said about compulsive porn use being an “addiction,” since I do realize that for many men’s problems this approach can work, if it’s tied to genuine repentance and calling on the Lord for deliverance. However, I do believe that the concern that a man who uses porn can become “rough” and may “escalate” to “hurting” his wife or girlfriend is only the tip of the iceberg. Whatever sin has a hold on a man (or woman) causes them to mistreat others in relation to that sin, though this mistreatment is not usually in the form of violence.

For instance Jacob (Israel) had four wives, and David had, I think, eight. Both of these men neglected their daughters (Dinah & Tamar) to the extent that Dinah rebelled and then got raped and Tamar had so little understanding of male character that she became vulnerable to rape by her half-brother.

So a porn user (or an adulterer, for that matter) does not usually become a wife beater or a pedophile who molests his own children. But he does usually become a boor, an insensitive dolt stuck in mid-puberty, incapable of being tender, caring and truly romantic with his wife; and neglectful of his daughters, who, if they do come to him for advice re dating or sexual behavior, will find him either distant (“ask your mom”), or overprotective until the girl rebels.

Too many women wait until they marry such a guy, have several children with him–then run to a divorce lawyer.
Eric

May God strengthen you daily!