I think people need to understand that the brain chemicals make this addiction just as powerful as a alcohol, gambling, food, and drugs; so I think spouses need to have compassion for the addicted spouse as this is truly a powerful, shameful, and hidden addiction. From my recovery experience, and the extensive reading I have done, I believe long term sobriety is achieved by participating in a “12 step” recovery program and also with individual therapy to understand the “root” of the problem. Especially with a pornography / sex addiction, confessing the problem/behaviors to others is the KEY to achieving sobriety as per the experts in the field, doing it yourself / white knuckling it is rarely successful (<1% and I tried it several times). If you or someone you loves is addicted, first read Patrick Carnes book Out of the Shadows and get involved in a Sex Addiction (SA) group in your city. It is scary to go the first time, but that is the 1st step to sobriety is admitting you have a problem.

Lastly, being the husband of a spouse who was a sexual REFUSER, has been devastating to me physiologically and further fueled my addiction. I'm sure there is plenty of blame on my part, and ultimately I AM responsible for my actions. However, my hope for wives is that they understand that most men long to be respected by their wife and have physical/sexual intimacy. I had neither, my wife refused to acknowledge that she needs to change (I'm doing major changes), so I am getting a divorce because my long term sobriety can't survive in a relationship that is caustic and has not physical/sexual intimacy for me.

Lastly, I feel my sobriety has led to a connection with God/Jesus/Holy Spirit that I have never experienced before. We have a God of love and forgiveness and people can be redeemed.

I’m not the best resource for answering that question. Please contact some of the great resources out there for men. Talk to a pastor, counselor, or mentor; look into the XXX Church resource or X3 Groups; install accountability software on your computer/phone; etc. Get specific help from other Christians who have overcome, and I think they can help you through.

I truly feel for guys in their 20s; I’m in my early 40s, and I remember the days when you could browse the internet without stumbling into porn at every turn. Today it’s practically impossible unless you purposefully put roadblocks in place. For men who grew up with vast amounts of free porn immediately available on the internet, it’s a completely different ballgame.

Props to your husband for kicking the habit, despite the setback; no matter what anyone says, porn can easily turn into an addiction just as insidious as drugs or alcohol.

Secrets should never be in a marriage – we found that out the hard way. If you wouldn’t do anything in front of your spouse, then you shouldn’t be doing it. I think you need a conversation with your wife. I know when the truth came out here, it was devastating to the whole family. Don’t let it go that far!

Well done, J!

I have always encouraged biblical sources for “spicing it up,” but unfortunately there are Christian bloggers who go further with this notion than I believe is healthy. Sure, try out sexual positions, learn how to do oral, invest in more romance…but that doesn’t give us license for selfish, kinky sex acts. Please stay away from sites that introduce you to something that doesn’t improve intimacy, but rather stokes an unhealthy imagination. Your wife is enough, and ultimately the Bible, you, and your wife are the best sources for what will make your marriage bed sing. You can cut this off right now. Saying a prayer for you.