I’m going to take your advice and refrain from pointing out other women to my wife. If you also find it undeseriable then there must be something to it and I need to correct that piece. I guess I just hadn’t fully understood the wife’s perspective. Other than that, is my behavior when it comes to women appropriate? I think this is an issue that many men struggle with, there are too many men that look at inappropriate images and masturbate behind their wife’s back. It’s something I did before marriage and I came to realize it wasn’t an innocent act, it was wrong, immoral, and disrespectful to women. I would love to see a follow-up to this issue written and discussed, I think it’s important and often overlooked.

I think you’re drawing great boundaries for yourself in how you look and think about women. I also notice attractive men, but I’m not sexually interested in them. The only guy for me is the one who put the ring on my finger. I believe lusting is when your thoughts linger, dwell, or take a turn into sexual territory. But noticing a person of the opposite sex is appealing? I don’t think that’s wrong, as the Bible describes the attractiveness of several people (see Permission to Feel Beautiful with Bonny Logsdon Burns).

But a word to the wise: I think if you notice someone of the opposite sex who’s attractive, keep it to yourself. Now I know some marriages where they actually bring it out in the open, and they want to discuss it. But most spouses don’t want to hear that you noticed someone else’s looks. I’m well-aware my husband has eyes and is not dead — the man sees pretty women — but I personally wouldn’t like him saying, “Hey, look at her…and her shoes.” Not that I’d think he’s lusting (of course not!); I just want his attention fixed on me.

I’m a young married man and I firmly believe in what you said about not lusting after other women, however, how do we identify the manifestations of that act? Is it looking at a woman too long, experiencing an erection, have sexual thoughts of her?

The reason I ask this is because I’ve trained myself to always respect women. For example, today, one of my co-workers boarded the elevator I was in. I couldn’t help but notice how pretty she looked (hair, makeup, overall attractiveness) and that she was wearing a low cut dress and high-heel sandals that accentuated her legs and feet. I admired her for how much care she took in her presentability and how stunning she looked as a result. I did not look at her more than the visual observation I made when she entered the elevator and perhaps glanced quickly to acknowledge her as I waited for her to exit the elevator first.

Even though I admittedly found her sexy, I purposefully refrained from having any inappropriate sexual thoughts of her out of respect to both her and to my wife. Don’t get me wrong, I have a high sex drive and I’m extremely attracted to women, but I’ve trained myself to always view, interact, and think of women in a respectful manner. I’ve trained myself to respect a woman’s choice of clothing and to never judge her for it or use it as an excuse for my shortcoming. I’ve trained myself to admire the hard work that women put into their beauty and appearance, to pay compliment to only where appropriate, and to always treat them with respect.

What’s helped me do this is refraining from sexual thoughts about a woman. For example, I recently pointed out to my wife at the mall a pretty woman that walked nearby us. I told my wife that I really like the shoes that woman was wearing (I honestly did) and my wife agreed and wanted me to buy her a pair, but she didn’t like the idea that the woman had even caught my attention. I kept reassuring her that I simply noticed the woman and admired her shoes (they were cool gladiator sandals that went all the way up to her knees by the way) and outfit, but I didn’t stare or have impure thoughts about her. I told her that I can’t pretend that women don’t exist around us, as that in itself would also be a form of disrespect, but I can control my reaction.

I never get erections to other women because no matter how sexy I find them or how sexy they’re dressed, I don’t believe I have the right to have lustful thoughts of them. I think it’s inappropriate and highly disrespectful. Believe me, this is not easy for a man with a high sex drive who only gets sex once a week and nothing in-between. I accept my wife’s lower sex drive and her choice to refrain from other forms of sexual activity (oral, hand, etc) and do not pressure her or use it as an excuse for lust/porn/masturbation, as she would also strongly object to this as well. I truly believe that if I treat women, regardless of the circumstance, with the utmost respect, then I am also in effect treating my wife with that same level of respect.

Is my behavior is appropriate here? Is it wrong of me to point out a woman that is walked past us and tell my wife that she has nice shoes or great hair in a respectful manner, even if the woman was wearing a short skirt or tight jeans, just as I point out men to her wearing cool jackets or pants? Where does one draw the line of being respectful of women and not treating them like they don’t exist or body shaming them for finding them attractive. I think I’m handling it as appropriately as humanly possible, but I wanted to hear your thoughts on this.

🙂

“I meant only that growing boys should not be shielded from seeing close family members (their mothers, older sisters, aunts) nurse AT HOME.”

AMEN.

Thanks, Momtomany! And I get what you’re saying. Just so you know, I sent this question to Paul a couple of weeks ago, and he responded right away. Then I held it until I could fill in the rest of what I wanted to say.

J,
Maybe some clarification is in order here. I did not mean to imply that public breastfeeding is either good or bad. I meant only that growing boys should not be shielded from seeing close family members (their mothers, older sisters, aunts) nurse AT HOME.

As for public nursing . . . well, I don’t really have an opinion. I did once teach an adult SS class for six months in which two young mothers in the back row nursed their infants; and only this past march I attended a SS worker’s convention at a very conservative church where there were mothers doing the same. In both cases, they used towels, blankets, or a long blouse, which the mother simply stuck her kid under to nurse.

I do believe that rules re proper modesty are partially cultural and are also hinted at in the Bible. I also suspect that the naked young mother I saw in the African hospital may have been responding to a sudden hormonal imbalance caused by childbirth so that (given that her culture is also more open) she may have not had any urge to cover up. But she obviously didn’t want her picture taken!

Actually, the question said this (verbatim): “My husband gets erections when he sees other women.” If a reader said, “My husband gets erections while thumbing through the Victoria’s Secret catalog” or “My husband gets erections while scanning the beach of bikini-clad women,” of course I would be screaming about his pursuing eye candy because that’s not okay! I am entirely in agreement with you and your husband that we shouldn’t live close to that line. Too often we ask, “How far is too far?” when the question should be “What honors my spouse and God?”

But I try to address these questions with an attitude of compassion and grace. That is, I’m not going to assume this guy is ogling women lustfully if there isn’t evidence in that regard. Which is how I treat my husband and, I believe, a good way for us to approach our spouses generally.

By the way, I love that you had a conversation about this with your husband. Ideally, that’s how marriages should work, as you share your own perspectives, talk about what God desires, and feel reassured that your spouse is pursuing the best for your marriage. Blessings!