Carly D.

From what I’ve read elsewhere, those “skimpy clad women everywhere, especially at the pool” are also insecure about their bodies. It seems body insecurity is nearly universal. Tall Ginger-esque women want to be petite Mary Anns while petite Mary Anns envy the tall Gingers (which is probably why they tease you, B… pure envy). I once watched as two teen-age girls compared their toes with each other. One had shorter toes while the other’s were longer. What they shared in common was a disdain for their own toes and a desire for the other’s. This insecurity isn’t limited to the ladies. I am overweight and have reached an age where no amount of diet and exercise will give me the buff body I want. I don’t like how my face is aging. I wish I had more hair on my head and less on my back. My wife never looks at me with desire and I can’t blame her; I’m nothing to look at. I accept that she’s not as visually oriented as I am, but I remain insecure about my appearance. But, while I feel no sexual desire from my wife, I am *not* insecure about her love. I trust her when she claims to love me, even if she shows her love in ways that are different than I would prefer.

I think you’ve read me enough to know that if he was standing here, I’d say something like: “Dude, stop looking at other women! Your wife is the only one who should get that kind of attention. And don’t make her ask if you think she’s hot and you love her — tell her often without prompting. Make her believe she’s the only girl in the world you want to be with!!!” Of course, he’s messing things up if he is indeed seeking out women to gawk at and lusting after them. That’s just plain sin.

But since I’m talking to you, what I see as a problem are statements like this: “I try not to read his mind, but honestly, what else could he possibly be thinking while gawking at another woman’s breasts while I am standing right there?” Off the top of my head, I can think of several things he might be thinking; for instance, sometimes a woman shows so much cleavage even I (who am clearly not a “breast man”) have a hard time looking away. He could be wondering if those things are real, wishing she’d cover them up more, or even thinking they’re too big. (Yes, there are men who believe in such a thing as breasts being too much for them.)

I don’t know what he’s thinking, but you’re making leaps from what you observe to conclusions about him and his love and your relationship. And those aren’t the only possibilities. Even if he noticed some woman earlier, that doesn’t mean he’s fantasizing about her when he’s with you.

Also, you don’t know what’s going on with other men with their wives either. I’ve known men that you’d never guess, but they are struggling with a huge pornography problem or had an affair or haven’t touched their wives in weeks. Maybe those couples you see are doing great, but maybe not. Believe me, I did that so much when my marriage was struggling — comparing my husband to others — and it just doesn’t work well.

I’m merely praying that you deal with the real issues in front of you. Maybe your assumptions are right, but (and I think this is more likely) you might be off in some of your conclusions and your husband really loves you after all. What if you could work from that assumption and make things better? My heart truly goes out to you. I can hear the hurt in your comments, and I’m praying for you and your marriage to heal completely. May God shine down on you. Many, many blessings!

Hey B! I LOVE your honesty. I can relate to feeling like you can’t believe your husband. It’s a hard, hard battle with skimpy dressed women everywhere. Especially at the pool. I pray we both can learn to freely trust our Heavenly Father! He loves us just how he made us. If we can fully do that, we won’t be so insecure or worried about the women around us. I’ll be praying for us both!

I hear you, I really do. I try not to read his mind, but honestly, what else could he possibly be thinking while gawking at another woman’s breasts while I am standing right there? And he did it twice. Three times actually. So it’s not like it was just a glance. It’s rude and completely proves he does not find me attractive or desireable.

I’d like to treat him with grace, and I kind of am by keeping my mouth shut. But I don’t want to be a fool and act like he is interested in me, when I have never, ever seen him look at me with such interest.

I’m really not sure how to have a thriving marriage while knowing that I am not attractive to my own husband. It’s a really painful place to be. I’m not sure even what grace would be in this situation? Just forget it ever happened, even though it hurts me deeply to know he doesn’t love me the way I love him? That my breasts, that he claims to love, are no longer enough for him? Fine then. I’m okay with that. But do not try to touch them while pretending they are part of another woman. That’s just really unfair. It seems like it would be foolish to just let him do whatever he wants and not be hurt by it. Sorry. I really don’t mean to be difficult, but I hate these situations.

I am much less angry than before, because I know it no longer matters if my husband loves me or finds me attractive. God loves me, and that has to be enough. I cannot look for my worth in another human. So I do have more peace in that area.

But no, I’m not going to be happy about the fact that he prefers practically every woman he sees to me. And if he looks with such interest while I’m there, how much does he indulge when I’m not there? It’s painful to think about.

So maybe you think I’m tearing my house down with my hands, and maybe I should pray about that. But is he not tearing his house down with his eyes? If he loved me, he wouldn’t have stared at her breasts with me standing right there. I’ve watched other men with their wives at church, and they never stare at other women. Because they love their wives for real. I’d love to experience that kind of love from my husband.

Okay, I’m just going to say it. Because you’ve commented many times, and I’ve been at this from every angle. But here you go: “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down” (Proverbs 14:1).

I will not assert that your husband has it all together or is free of sin. I’m sure he’s got a long list of stuff he could/should do differently (don’t we all?), including that he needs to keep his eyes focused on you. But you are tearing down your house when you refuse to believe anything he says, assume you know what’s in his mind and heart, and treat him like the enemy. I’m so glad you’re learning to get your worth from Christ, but that also means you have a calling to be Christ-like when it comes to your husband. Treat him with grace. Please. Your marriage is in the balance, and I want you and your marriage to someday thrive.

Praying for you.

Eric, I wish you could talk to my husband. He tells me he loves me all the time, and I’m trying to believe him. But…

“Tell her she’s beautiful in specific ways; say it again and again. She needs to hear this much more often than “I love you.” YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES! This may be completely wrong, but I am so sick of empty “I love you”s. Oh I wish he found me beautiful. He claims he does, but I find it very hard to believe.

And, “many, perhaps most women, I believe, struggle with body image IN INVERSE PROPORTION to the struggle that normal men have to avoid unclean thoughts about the bodies of other women.” AGAIN, YES, I could not agree more! In fact, just this evening…

We went out for ice cream. It was supposed to be a fun treat. Alas, the young woman selling the ice cream was busty (as am I, but again, I guess I’ll never be enough) and wearing a very tight, white tee shirt. Did he notice? You bet he did! Did he even try not to notice? Um, I don’t think so. Just slap me in the face, please. It would hurt less. I can see that she’s all of 20 years old. I know at times like this he wishes he weren’t married – he’s never said that, but he NEVER looks at me with the same longing I see in his eyes when he notices a new, better, more exciting woman. I’m not ugly, but I’m just not able to compete with every single person, you know?

The good news? It didn’t bother me as much as it used to. I’m working on finding my worth in Christ, not in my husbands attraction (or lack thereof) to me. I get that he’s a guy and she was kind of hard not to notice. And more good news? I held my tongue. Why start a fight over something I cannot change? So what if he is lying when he says he loves me or tells me I’m beautiful. In fact, he made a nice comment about my breasts this afternoon, but that was obviously a lie, since he found a pair of younger ones he’d much rather gawk at. I wish he’d just not compliment me at all, when we both know he’d rather have said ice cream girl. I know men look, but I’d prefer it not be done right in front of me. It’s hurtful. And the thoughts that go trough my head. They’re terrible. Like, “I bet he wishes I’d choke on this ice cream so he could just leave me under this picnic table and go run off with that much hotter woman he obviously prefers to look at.” Yeah. It’s not a good feeling.

I’ve decided to keep my thoughts to myself which is a big step for me. But it will be a while before I am comfortable having him touch me again. I don’t like the idea of being his living rubber doll, standing in for whatever woman he is fantasizing about at the time. He says he doesn’t do this, but I have read too much online, plus I saw him struggling to keep his tongue in his mouth while gawking at her tonight, and so I do not believe him. I don’t think he loves me. He loves me like a friend, but not like the most special woman in his life. I don’t think he’s ever made love to me, I think it has been some fantasy girl in his mind every, single, time. How very, very sad. I’d love to, just once in my life, know what it’s like to have a man HONESTLY find me attractive and have me be enough. I’d love to know what it’s like to have the man I love actually want to make love to ME, and not use me as a receptacle. His eyes are almost always closed. Since most things I read say men are visual and love looking at women, this is direct proof that he is fantasizing about someone else.

I wonder if my husband knew how much this hurt me, if he’d even care. I really doubt it.

I hope some men read this and learn from your wise words.

I agree with almost everything here! Except I probably wouldn’t make Woodstock the turning point… Anyway, thanks for the comment. 🙂