I do not believe masturbation is flat-out wrong. I stand by that, but my post is very clear that it’s often unwise and can be dangerous in many instances. And that 95% citation from me is in that post I linked to. Maybe you should read my article again.

I don’t know what “attacked me” means. But yes, I am sometimes extremely busy, so if I sent you a one-word email, that’s why. I work two jobs, maintain a household, volunteer at my church, take care of my family, and foster face-to-face relationships by spending time with friends; it makes for a too-busy life at times.

As for a slanging match that “mysteriously disappeared,” sometimes I delete a string of comments that someone asks me to remove. I don’t know if that was the instance, but that is by far the most likely explanation.

Finally, I made an edit to your comment, because — as my comments policy clearly states — I reserve the right to keep my blog a place for productive discussion and will thus not approve comments with personal attacks. If you have extensive problems with someone else who has guested on my blog, the appropriate place to deal with that is in the comments section of that particular post, where the article’s author can respond to your concerns.

Under no circumstances do I want a contentious interaction with you. I genuinely wish you the best and pray that God blesses you in many ways!

Nope, sorry Julie but you’re out of line. You most definitely said that you are not a blogger who believes masturbation is wrong. Nothing about the % of it.

I also expressed some deep concerns to you last year and you attacked me on your website. When I emailed you and asked you to take the posts off you quickly wrote “done” in an email to me. Yet later, you sent an email apologising for being so abrupt and that you had been ‘busy’. I have also seen you publish a slanging match on here between yourself and someone else. That then mysteriously disappeared.

[Comments about another marriage blogger — edited out.]

I can clearly hear the sarcasm in your first couple of sentences. I sympathize with your feelings, Mel. Obviously, sex has not been a good experience for you, so it could be frustrating for others to press the point that you should be having sexual intimacy in marriage.

But as far as me saying masturbation is acceptable, while others talk about the terrible dangers of masturbation, I don’t think that’s a proper characterization of what I’ve said concerning self-touch. In fact, I’ve said on my blog that, while I don’t believe masturbation is flat-out wrong in all circumstances, about 95% of masturbation is probably a bad idea. To revisit my stance, you might want to read this post: Masturbation: Hands On or Hands Off? And if anyone wants to see Sheila’s take from To Love Honor and Vacuum, I’m happy to share her post: Is Masturbation in Marriage Wrong? I think it’s pretty clear Sheila and I are not far apart.

Finally, the statements that I “believe in the Bible to a certain degree” is a charge I reject. Two Christians might both put their faith in the Bible as the infallible Word of God, and yet interpret specific verses in different ways. The degree to which I believe in the Bible is wholehearted, complete, total certainty that it is true. About finding me aggressive and down-putting, I will cop to being exactly that if you wake me up in the middle of a deep sleep; short of that, I try to be respectful and encouraging. If I failed you in that regard, I’m sorry. Perhaps you’ll stick around, though, and see if anything on this blog could help your situation. I honestly believe God wants to bless you and your marriage!

Thanks for your glorious words of wisdom Beth. You seen to have Christianity downpat. Julie does believe in the Bible to a certain degree though is pretty blunt about masturbation being acceptable. A lot of Christian bloggers (to love honor & vacuum being one) talk about the terrible dangers of masturbation in marriages. I do agree with some of what Julie says, but other times find her aggressive & down putting.

“There, he would sit her on a pile of crates so the men could admire her.” Really? Was that the reason? That one part made me shudder. But I totally get the rest of where you’re coming from. Thanks, Eric!

Another verse from Paul that I think can apply to this subject is 1 Timothy 5:8 “But if someone does not provide for his own, especially his own family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” This along with the definition of the word interpreted as “deprive” in 1 Cor 7:5 αποστερεο (to despoil:-defraud, destitute, kept back by fraud.) Demonstrate the seriousness of this issue to me. Jesus uses this word in Mark 10:19 You know the commandments: ‘Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, do not defraud, honor your father and mother.’” In this verse Jesus puts this sin alongside the sins of murder and adultery so it is clear that this behavior ranks up there as a major bad behavior. I have come to think of sexual refusal as negative adultery. I think this is why Jesus uses the term for fornication rather than the term for adultery in Matt 5 and Matt 19.

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think a question you need to ask yourself is whether you believe the Bible is God’s infallible truth. If you don’t, then probably a lot of what J. says isn’t going to be helpful for you. If you do believe that all of the Bible is truth then you need to sort out what you “feel” and what is “truth.” According to the Bible sex within a godly marriage is NOT vulgar. It may “feel” vulgar to you for a variety of reasons but that doesn’t actually make the act truly vulgar. According to the Bible Christians in a godly marriage SHOULD be engaging in regular sex and it is NOT just for men to enjoy. There’s no exception clause for “if you don’t feel like it or don’t like it.” I’m NOT saying that someone should just play the prostitute to their spouse. But if someone is at the place that they don’t like it or don’t feel like it then the Scriptures teach that that person should be actively working towards a point where they can reach a mutually satisfying sexual relationship with their spouse. Based on your use of the words “vulgar” and “prostitute” my guess is that there is something still going on that is more than just “I don’t like it.” This may sound like I’m trivializing the situation, but you can learn to like something. Most people do that all the time in their relationships. I’ve learned to enjoy watching pro-soccer with my husband. I am learning to enjoy eating cheese with my friend that grew up in France. My husband has learned to enjoy making conversation around the table after a meal (he used to escape as soon as possible.) Like I said, I think you’re probably dealing with more than just like or dislike.
One thing that I found very encouraging when I was dealing with anxiety issues was when a counselor told me (paraphrasing), “When the Bible teaches about having peace, it’s not an option. It’s a command, a fruit of the Spirit. But with that comes God’s help – he WANTS you to have peace. He WANTS you to let go of your anxiety. And he PROMISES to help you do that. So look at it as something that CAN be attained.” If you believe what the Scriptures say about sex (even though your emotions/likes/dislikes say otherwise) then be encouraged that God WANTS you to enjoy it, not endure it or skip it altogether. And he will help you get to that point if you let him.

But whether it’s the father seeking to influence his daughter, or the mother seeking to influence her son in a proper understanding of female sexuality, it is essential that the parent has a loving, trusting relationship with that child. Before this can occur, the father and mother must have a biblically-balanced relationship with each other.

Most parents take it for granted that a father, to positively influence his daughter, must in obvious ways show love to their mother (Ephesians 5:25, 33). Less understood, it’s necessary for a mom who would influence her sons, as his wife to obey and respect their father (Ephesians 5:22, 33).

There was never any question in my mind but what Mother respected Dad. She also had a great relationship with her own father. When she was a small child, he would take her with him to the wholesale warehouse where he bought goods for resale in his country store. There, he would sit her on a pile of crates so the men could admire her. Later, from age 13 to 16, Mother went weekly with Bill, her father, to a dance hall, where he worked as the bouncer on Saturday nights. Woe to the guy who messed with Bill’s pretty daughter. He was also a part-time sheriff, and he was wont to cart troublemakers off to the county jail.

So, Mother was very tender toward the men in her life. I was the first of five sons. When, in her grief re Dad’s untimely death, she opened up to me about a woman’s sexual needs, presumably to spare my wife the frustrations of her own early married experience, I listened with appreciation. I pray that your sons will listen, too.
Eric

I can absolutely understand how you could feel this way. How very frustrating for you! However, I pray that you two don’t waste any more time, but rather talk openly and productively about the intimacy you want to build from here. Maybe you could explain your hurt and get him to see what you need to heal and become more engaged in pursuing sexual intimacy. Take a step in the right direction and see what could happen. Praying for you. Blessings!