Comments on: Is Refusing Sex in Marriage a Sin?

By: J

Wed, 11 Jan 2017 22:09:14 +0000

In reply to Hank. Clearly something happened, but from the information you gave me, I don't know what. I do wonder how you're approaching the conversation? Does she feel like you're mad or disappointed every time you bring up the subject of sex? Or does she feel safe to explain what's changed for her? While can't make her talk, you can help to create a better atmosphere for her share. Maybe check out my post on How to Talk about Sexual Problems with Your Spouse. And please don't throw away 29 years too quickly. My own marriage was in trouble for years, and we found our way back and have a good relationship now. I'm very glad neither of us walked away. Praying for you.

By: Hank

Hank — Sun, 08 Jan 2017 17:51:55 +0000

Thank you

By: Hank

Hank — Sun, 08 Jan 2017 17:50:39 +0000

I’ve been married 29 years and faithfull to my wife the entire time. The past few years she has consistently refusing me sex. Now I know my wife and I’ve tried every angle. I do a majority of house work, cook, clean, laundry, take care of the house and vehicles too, I romance her, surprise her with flowers, go to her work and leave a tulip on the windshield of her car. I work full time as she does and still she refuses. The list of excuses is nothing new to you I’m sure but it’s gotten me to a point where I want to leave. If there is no intamacy in my marriage then I think I’m not interested in having a female roommate. She tells me that I need to understand her feelings and concerns. I do and I have but she refuses to understand mine. I’ve read many books on menopause and its effects on marriage, on her and on me. I’m trying and have been for a few years. But I’m trying to be as honest and open as I can. I can not go on like this. I want a partner, a confidant, someone who wants me as much as I want the. She has pushed me to the edge and I’m seriously thinking of packing my bags. Now we’ve talked and she just won’t see how serious this is. She has zero energy when it comes to me. If a frien calls and wants to go out she leaps into action. I had a feeling that maybe she was having an affair. I hired a PI and he found nothing. I check her personal electronic devices and nothing, no red flags. Our kids are grown and out of our house. She is 53, I’m 54. Both on good shape. We enjoyed a great sex life 2-5 times a week for most of our 30 years. Now, maybe 2 a year and it seems like a chore. I often ask her why? What can I do? She just shuts me down. I try to engage in conversation about us, our future and she is into that 100%. Lately I stay away from future plans as I really don’t see us together come spring. We tried counsellors and she hated it. I tried the go alone and really didn’t get anything out of it. The PI found nothing at all and he spent 2 weeks. Looking over the time we are apart she really doesn’t have time for an affair. Do women just shut us down and lose all concern and become inconsiderate? I’ve already started to hide money and plan to rent an apartment. Other that the intamacy or lack there of, we get along very well. I don’t want very well. I don’t want a sister in my bed. I want a lover, I want passion, I want total commitment. And yes, I’ve told her this. It makes no difference. I hate the fact that I’m about to just give up on us. But as I see it there is no us. I’m sure you can see that I may be missing something. Please help.

By: J

Mon, 25 Jul 2016 13:05:28 +0000

In reply to e2. I agree. But I get that direct question about sexual refusal and sin, so I wanted to answer it as best I could. Too often, however, I think we are concerned with where the line is that we shouldn't cross, rather than how close we can get to Jesus. Thanks for your insightful comment.

By: e2

e2 — Mon, 25 Jul 2016 11:55:15 +0000

I wonder if we’re asking the right question. When I think of whether something is a sin, I start with the presumption that I can do whatever I want so long as it is *not* a sin. But, Jesus didn’t live that way. He repeatedly said that he came to do his Father’s will. He did not come to do his own will so long as it wasn’t sinful. So, I reframe the question: Under what circumstances is it God’s will that I refuse my wife’s request for sex? Put that way, I think about it differently and may come up with different answers. It also works for the high drive spouse. Under what circumstances is it God’s will that I insist upon sex when my wife doesn’t want it? In both situations, it would seem that a Godly, loving answer would require more than “I’m not in the mood” or “See, the Bible says you have to give it to me.”

By: Brent

Brent — Mon, 25 Jul 2016 00:25:33 +0000

In reply to princevinco.

If we apply the idea of refusal until we are in the mood in all areas of our life … I think all of us would be in a world of hur …
– God says “do this” … you reply, meh … I’m not in the mood …
– You boss says “I need that done by the end of the week” … meh … I’m not in the mood …
– Your wife says “honey, its time to go to the hosptial, the baby is coming: … meh … the game is on, I’m not in the mood …

Ultimately the response of “I’m not in the mood” (as I read it from your reply) is, very often, born out of selfishness and laziness. With that said — yes — there are times the mood, or atmosphere, is not right for physical intimacy, but that is different than not enjoying time with your spouse physically because “you’re not in the mood”.

By: Paul H Byerly

Paul H Byerly — Sat, 23 Jul 2016 23:34:09 +0000

In reply to princevinco.

@princevinco – So what else are we free to refuse our spouse when we are not in the mood? That’s a road I don’t want to go down@

By: Paul H Byerly

Paul H Byerly — Sat, 23 Jul 2016 23:32:59 +0000

In reply to J.

Of course Paul calls it a sin of commission – he uses a Greek word that means to rob someone of something that belongs to them.

I agree it would be a much less common issue if the church did what it should.

By: princevinco

princevinco — Sat, 23 Jul 2016 07:57:52 +0000

To me it is no sin to refuse your husband sex when you are not in the mood. At the same time why should you refuse your husband sexual pleasure if you love him? Sexual pleasure should be a mutual enjoyment of both parties and no denial of this pleasure should be obtained from both parties.

By: J

Sat, 23 Jul 2016 01:54:14 +0000

In reply to Paul H Byerly. I appreciate what you're saying, but that would be a very unusual use of the word porneia. In the 26 instances that the word is used in the New Testament, almost every one refers to an act of commission. Sexual refusal doesn't fit into almost any of those verses, so this interpretation appears to be a stretch. What I think is clear that we aren't uses the resources of the Church and other Christians to address the sexual sin of refusal in many marriages. I'm sure you've seen this in your extensive ministry. If we did a far better job of helping spouses in sexless marriage reclaim their God-given gift of intimacy, I expect the question of whether to leave wouldn't come up so much. Thanks for weighing in, Paul!