Sorry for scrambling your brain, and thank you so much for the “yes/no” explanation. It makes so much sense, I feel stupid for not having figured it out myself.

As to your last question, yes, I believe your husband’s need for you to desire him sexually is as strong as your own desire to be loved without sexual connotations. Let me give you my take on this. While I speak as a man, I’ve learned not to make broad sweeping gender generalizations, so this may not apply to your husband.

As a man, I need sex to feel loved (it goes back to the oxytocin thing) and I generally associate sexual desire with romantic love. The more my wife desires me sexually, the more loved I feel. While I can appreciate your desire to be loved “as a person” apart from sex, I find it very difficult to separate my “personhood” from my sexuality.

Also, and I hope I don’t scramble your brain further, the Bible defines a marriage in sexual terms. Genesis 2 says that the husband shall cleave to his wife “and the two will become one flesh.” That phrase, “one flesh” is Bible-speak for sex. I think we sometimes try to romanticize it by talking about “two hearts beating as one” and “soulmates.” But, if you look at 1 Cor. 6, Paul uses the same phrase “one flesh” to refer to a man joining together with a prostitute. A sexual union with a prostitute carries with it no romantic or emotional involvement; it is purely physical. And, yet, Paul describes it with the same biblical metaphor used for sex within marriage, “one flesh.” So, while marriage is more than “just” sex, it’s definitional essence is as a sexual union.

When you think about it, it makes some sense. Think of everything you and your husband do together. Biblically, he can love you as a person without being married. He can take long walks with you without being married. He can buy you flowers and say “I love you,” without being married. You can have joint bank accounts without being married. You can even raise children together under the same roof without being married. In fact, like the Amish courting ritual, you can lie in bed together, fully clothed, without being married. But, according to the Bible, you can’t have sex without being married; the *only* act Biblically reserved for marriage is sex.

So, when my wife tells me she could easily go the rest of her life without ever having sex, the message I hear is that she’s no longer interested in the one thing that defines us as married. Yes, she wants to be my best friend, my business partner, perhaps even my soulmate, but we can have all that without being married. On the other hand, when she sincerely and passionately wants me sexually, she’s screaming to me in the clearest possible terms that she is and wants to continue to be my *wife*.

@e2

Once again, you’ve scrambled by brain.

You say, “if I wanted to feel as if I were part of the reason she desires sex, then I would also have to accept that maybe I’m part of the reason she didn’t want sex.”

My response:

My husband is the ONLY reason I ever desire sex, but there are a myriad of reasons why I might not be interested in sex (at any given moment) that have nothing to do with him.

I was reading a different blog the other day and some men were explaining how they would desire nothing more than their wives to be sexually ravenous for them. They would love their wives to crave them sexually.

This is a foreign concept to me, personally. I have always enjoyed my sexual relationship with my husband but I have never felt sexually ravenous. I have very low sexual energy. Sexual desire doesn’t flow from my pores. My love for my husband did not automatically turn me into a hot, horny, sexual creature.

Sadly, it doesn’t take much to derail my interest/energy for sex. Menopause has made things even harder. I’m probably a huge disappointment to my husband in that regard.

I sometimes wonder:
Is my husbands desire for me to need him sexually as strong as my desire for my husband to love me as a person without his need to be sexual with me?

Oh, B, when I am angry with my wife, it is nearly always because I am in pain. Anger and silence are my ways of expressing my pain. .I discovered this with my children. When one of them was in emotional pain, they would cry and I would want to comfort. When the other was in the same emotional pain, they would lash out in anger, and I would respond accordingly. It wasn’t until I realized that their different responses were caused by the same pain that I was able to deal with them in the same loving way. As you describe your husband in your comments, I see pain, pain in knowing that he’s not satisfying you, pain in feeling like less of a man sexually, and pain in not knowing how to boost his own desire.

Some people do use anger as a primary emotion (such as domestic abusers), but many times anger is a secondary emotion. Rather than explain, I think web page does a pretty job of it: http://www.creducation.org/resources/anger_management/anger__a_secondary_emotion.html

I think I’m just going to give up on the whole thing. I’m actually getting tired of myself. I’m sure everyone here is tired of me complaining.

Your wife sounds like she loves you a lot and I am genuinely happy for you. It is sweet that she at least cares about your pain. I never looked at it that way. I would never guess that the lower drive spouse would feel badly, certainly not in my case, I just assumed the lower drive spouse had all the control and liked it that way. You say that your wife feels badly about her low desire and about your pain, and she is sweet for caring so much. I can assure you my husband doesn’t feel badly, he just gets angry, angry, angry, angry, angry. There is no love, no sadness, no sympathy. Just sometimes silence and most the time, anger. Anger is not love, it’s power.

We had what I thought was a positive discussion today. We even played around a bit (which he actually started – then again, we are right at his once a week mark) and he actually got to have a good time, if you catch my drift. But it was an inopportune time to go further, and he promised we would pick up where we left off later. Know where he is now? Asleep.

So you can see why when he tells me all these words, words, words – I have a very hard time believing.

@Anonymous2

You asked, “Now, to add to that question, what exactly is sex drive and should we take our spouses sex drive personally?”

Great question. In Feldhahn’s “For Men Only,” there’s a chapter entitled, “When it comes to Sex, Her No doesn’t Mean You.” In other words, we men shouldn’t take it personally when our wives lose interest in sex. The heart of the chapter was good, trying to sooth bruised male egos. But, as I read the chapter, I couldn’t help thinking “if her ‘no’ doesn’t mean me, then neither does her ‘yes’.” It seemed logical to me that, if I wanted to feel as if I were part of the reason she desires sex, then I would also have to accept that maybe I’m part of the reason she didn’t want sex. I really didn’t like that chapter of the book as it seemed to separate her sexual desire from me more than I wanted. I was willing to accept ‘blame” for her “no” as long as I could also claim “credit” for her “yes.”

And, yet, as I’ve watched my wife’s libido take a dive, I realize it has little to do with anything about me, and she has reassured me of that many times. So, I begin to wonder if Tina Turner had a point when she asked, “What’s love got to do with it?”

Sex drive is not created by love alone.
There are several components that need to work together to create a ‘sex drive’
Testosterone is one component that men ‘typically’ possess more of ,therefore they ‘typically’ want sex more often. Typically but not always. No two persons sex drives are alike.

Both my father and my brother have very low sex drives. Just a physical fact for them.
They still both love their wives immensely.

My husband has been a ‘once a weeker’ for a long time.
It’s his normal….fact, end of story.

Remember, just because one believes something to be true, doesn’t mean it is true.

Blessings

Wait a minute. I don’t think you mean that a marriage where a husband wants sex 3-4 times a week and the wife wants it once every 7-10 days is what “should be.” It may be more commonplace (in 3 out of 4 marriages) but it is NOT what “should be.” And, don’t diminish the pain a man feels when his wife doesn’t want to make love. The fact that it’s more commonplace doesn’t make it any less painful.

And, despite my personal normalcy, my point was that my wife doesn’t feel normal. She feels bad that her desire is so diminished and she feels bad for my pain. I suspect that, deep down inside, your husband feels the same way, which is why it is so hard for him to discuss it with you without getting upset.

I wish you could let go of the myth that sexual desire is only about physical attraction, and that since his desire is diminished, he’s not attracted to you. Attraction is only one component of sexual desire. There are many, many more factors involved and I think you’re refusing to consider them. I’m learning that one of the most attractive things I can do for my wife is accept her as she is, low libido and all, and to be thankful for the good sex that I do get. After all, many people commenting on this blog would kill to have sex once a week. Comparatively speaking, you and I may be the fortunate ones.

I fully understand. I get tired of the “physical only” sex that is portrayed even in chick flicks. I recall in “The Jersey Girl” when Liv Tyler throws herself at Ben Affleck and he balks. She responds, “Don’t you think I’m cute.” as if “cute” were the only criteria necessary for sexual desire.

If I were to add on the “with you” to my expression of sexual desire, I think my wife would immediately respond with “as opposed to who else?” I don’t think she would hear it as an expression of emotional connection as much as an expression of exclusivity which, after 30 years, is a given in our marriage.

Last thought on this: That straightforward comment to guys directed referred to wives who’ve internalized the idea that sex is a merely physical act. Admittedly, that’s a lot of wives. I think many men struggle to understand, but not only are women told many times over by that men only want one thing (sex), they have all the magazines out there giving us sex tips that are absolutely physical, the pressure of hard-bodied, air-brushed models in sultry poses suggesting that’s what sex is about, and oftentimes the experience of having certain men ogle and approach and treat them like sexual playthings. Men, of course, have their own pressures — but this feeling that men just want to do “it” with our bodies is understandably prevalent among women.

In my now-healthy marriage bed, my husband could say something as straightforward as “I need sex,” and I would hear the implied with you. But many wives would not respond well to that; husbands should to be sensitive and respond accordingly. It’s really only a bit more effort, the same kind he likely put in to woo her into marrying him in the first place.