Some days I feel so professional here, with my branding, and my book, and my research, and all my blog posts, and blah, blah, blah. But some days, I’m just a struggling human being with lots of other stuff going on in her life.
This post is short. Just to let you all know that you’ll be in my prayers, but I don’t when I’ll get back to my blog. You see, my dad’s health has been declining for some time … and it appears that this is the weekend he will go home.
I spent yesterday and today at his bedside, and I’m taking a break of a few hours before heading back to be with him again. I’m praying he passes peacefully in the night.
My fabulous assistant, Heather, will be moderating comments. But if something’s quirky, she leaves it in the “limbo” box until I can read it myself. So if things are a bit slow here, you’ll know why. I just have no idea what to expect this week with my father dying, a funeral, and sorting through his belongings.
A few random thoughts as I contemplate his life:
- My father was a preaching minister. He passed on his fervor for theology, biblical study, and asking lots of questions about faith to get to the truth. I appreciate that so much.
- My father was a writer. He loved language and made a real effort to teach me an expansive vocabulary, good grammar, and persuasive writing.
- My father wasn’t perfect. He and my mother are divorced, and I wish I’d had better role modeling for marriage. But that story is part of my journey, and God has used it for such good that I haven’t a single regret about the home and family I was raised in.
- My father has a loving wife. My dad remarried, and as I watch his health fail, I see the tender care of a woman devoted to her husband. That is a true gift.
- My father is at peace. If you want to pray for me and my family in any way, this is my prayer: Let him pass quickly. He is done on this earth, and I’ll see him on the other side.
And a few thoughts about marriage:
- If someday my husband goes first, I will revel in the opportunity to demonstrate selfless love at every turn. I know now what death requires of those around as it happens, and it is the sacrificial love that Christ demonstrated … and which I long to reflect.
- As I’m briefly home for a few hours and thinking about how I need to recharge, I considered my need for food, sleep, a shower … and then I thought about my desire for sex. Yes, sex. Not because I want some pleasure experience at this particular moment, but — as I told Spock — it’s about the stress release and the comfort of being one with him. Whether we’ll have time for it or not, I don’t know. But this thought reminds me yet again how much deeper sexual intimacy runs than the physical. So. Much. Deeper.
- Work your marriage issues out. Don’t wait another minute. Just take that first step. That scary, scary first step. Life is short. You definitely want to stand at your beloved’s bedside when their health is failing knowing that you captured every blessing you two could share.
That’s it. And maybe my thoughts are too convoluted. I don’t know. I’m not even planning to proofread this post (so unlike me). But I guess I’m just spilling out my heart. Because I know you have struggles too, and you’ll understand that place of grief and hopefully that place of peace. Which, oddly enough, can co-exist at times like these.
Update: My father died just after midnight on September 11. I was there at his bedside, holding his hand as he passed.