Sorry, not exactly. You’ve taken the most optimistic view of what I wrote, J. I was trying to encourage Ashlee, so I wasn’t clear about some things. I solved the problem of my own O on my own, but that was only part of our difficulty. My husband doesn’t really help me with it. Usually he gets his pretty quick regardless of anything I do or don’t do, and then he lets me finish however I want, if I even can. Once she figures it out, Ashlee will probably have a better time of things, if her husband does sexting and the like and can be patient with her as she learns. My husband’s pleasure may have been my primary goal for years, but I can’t keep having one-sided sex like this when I know now that I’m capable of far better. I don’t want to say too much on a public post about why he’s like this, but I’m already getting some help on how to set better boundaries and expectations and make some progress on resolving this. But I wouldn’t say I’m enjoying sex yet. I have a ways to go still.

Actually, I’m just reluctant to say, “Don’t sweat it — grab a toy!” Which I see others saying. And it sounds to me like it helped you learn arousal, but you prioritized pleasuring one another as the primary goal. So yay! Thanks for sharing.

And I’m so glad you’re enjoying sex. As you well should.

Ashlee: I had almost the same thing for the first nine years of my marriage with having no or little arousal. I tried to enjoy sex for my husband’s sake, but it was making me depressed that I couldn’t enjoy it the way he did. I think I had some physical arousal, but it wasn’t reaching my brain. I still don’t know for sure what triggered my sex drive, but it was like a switch flipping in my head. You mentioned rocking your baby when you got aroused by sexting. I think for me nursing my baby may have been part of the trigger. I found that nipple stimulation helps intensify whatever other stimulation I have. Also, J wouldn’t recommend this, but I found that to learn to orgasm, I had to use a Hitachi Magic Wand and be really patient while I practiced for a few weeks. Maybe if you have a husband that’s more patient than mine, you could learn it just from his touch, but I couldn’t. A toy made it a lot easier to learn the sensations, and after some months of practice, I don’t usually need it anymore. It’s not a guaranteed dependency. Another thing that helped me while I learned was ylang ylang essential oil. I hope some of this helps!

I am not saying that we do not have control over our actions. Of course we are called to discipline our bodies and to have self control in all actionable areas of our life. What I said was that in my experience, a man, and I will just say “I” here, have never had any control over my sex drive as in the physical desire that I have for sex. I have control over the actions I commit, but just as I have no control over my physical appetite for food (yes I can control how much I eat) but I cannot control whether I am experiencing physical hunger or not.

So much of this is really great, brother, but this: “A man has no control (that I know of) over his sex drive” is hogwash. Where is this in scripture? I see plenty of commands about self-control, taking every thought captive, not being a slave to one’s desires, being pure in mind and body, not giving any place to lust, etc. Seems to me like God expects everyone to exercise control over our drives and not be driven by the “god of our belly.”

Ah, true. Thanks for that!