I’m saddened to hear your story, Courtney. You’re not alone. I have many posts on higher-drive wives. Here’s a place to start: https://hotholyhumorous.com/?s=higher+drive+wives

So glad to hear of your wonderful positive experience, B!
It’s very hard to keep moving forward when those old patterns of thinking creep in and there will probably be more hard times ahead, but just continue capturing those thoughts and doing the best you can. It will get easier.

And one more thing I would add, say “thank you” to any and all compliments your husband gives you. Don’t dismiss him when he says you are beautiful but simply smile and say thank you. He will appreciate the fact that you heard him and accepted his heart felt compliment, and even if it isn’t easy in the beginning to believe it when he says it, you will come to not only enjoy it but believe it too!

Blessings!

@B, I’m glad you did share. This really warms my heart. I will pray this is only the beginning of a fresh start as you battle to capture your thoughts.

I really do get it! When I said it, I hesitated because I knew it would sound pathetic to thank my husband for sex. But, think about how you would feel if your husband said that to you. It would boost you up and make you feel even more loved and desired. For us, it’s played a big role in my husband realizing how much sex really means to me. And, in helping him know it’s not just about the physical pleasure of sex. What I’ve noticed since starting to do it is this has given us a new language to talk about our feelings. That has made a big difference for both of us. We now have a language to talk about feeling to connected to each other.

I stated it’s been almost two weeks for us. We’ve had a couple of weeks with crazy schedules, an abundance of stress, and serious sleep issues. While I’m very upset we haven’t had sex, I understand why and know it isn’t about me or even that he doesn’t really want to have sex. It’s the current circumstances. He told me last night that he’s not feeling as close to me and was bothered by it. This morning before leaving for work, he asked if I could meet him for lunch. I really wanted to say no because I had a crazy busy day and that would keep me from accomplishing everything on my To Do List. But, I also know this was his way of trying to find time to connect with me. So, of course, I went so we could have that time together. Even though it wasn’t sex, it meant a lot to me that he wanted to connect and build closeness in a way that works until sex is an option.

Having this new language to be able to express a lack of connection has been wonderful. We now talk about when we are feeling especially close and connected and when we feel distant. He also recognizes now that sex is a big part of feeling more connected. But, it’s not just sex. It’s also includes spending quality time together, cuddling without sex, nonsexual physical touch, kissing, etc. I hope you can experience a way of communicating this with your husband as well. My experience has been nothing but positive since I started thanking him and expressing what sex means to me.

Now, girlfriend, go start your list of positives!!! And, put this experience at the top of the list! Remember this journey isn’t just about your sex life. It’s about your self image and your marriage. These things will help you begin to change your thought process and focus on the positives in your marriage. I truly believe your husband loves you very much. Start looking for the signs that have nothing to do with sex. I’ll bet you’ll be surprised at what you find!

One last thing, J is correct. Fear is part of the journey. Greatness is found when we learn to overcome our fears. Keep moving forward one positive step at a time.

Wishing you all the best in your journey.

Thanks for chiming in!

B said “Coupled with the fact that before I knew it was wrong I initiated almost every sexual encounter we’ve ever had?”

Why is it wrong for the wife to initiate sex?

B wrote, “I think I can say I have never read a comment written by a man who claims to love his wife, and find her attractive, and doesn’t have issues with porn – but just doesn’t have much of a sex drive.”

Actually, I’ve written several times about how my sex drive took a dive in my 30s. I loved my wife and found her attractive. I had no issues with porn. I just didn’t have much of a sex drive.

For me, stress was an enormous factor. And, while sex can be a stress reducer, for us guys, stress can physically prevent the erection we need for sex. Which only adds to our stress.

I guess what I meant to say was, because sex drives are so dynamic and affected by so many different factors, it becomes a problem when a person’s feelings of self worth and lovability rely ‘primarily’ on their partner’s desire for sexual contact with them.
A partner’s desire (or lack there of) may have absolutely nothing to do with their partner.

We should all keep those 5 questions in our minds whenever we take something our partner does or says personally. Good points.

It’s okay to be scared. As tough actor John Wayne famously said, “Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.” I think that applies here. 😉

Last night was a good night, started by my husband. The thought of “oh he’s picked up on my sadness so here comes the pity” went through my mind, quickly followed by “stop that! That is not helpful.” So I changed my thoughts (or maybe actually took a thought captive? Which people have told me to do but I’ve spent forever trying to figure out what that means)

Anyhow, I more-than-willingly participated and I felt so loved and so thankful. And without any prompting, or attitude, or comments from me my husband said “I’m sorry it’s been so long. That’s going to change.”

And my negative mindset thought “yeah right. Don’t get your hopes up.” But again I did my best to take that thought captive and change it to “be happy and give him a chance. Maybe he really does love you.”

And so…

@K, initially I thought you were too much when you said you thank your husband after you make love, and tell him how much it meant to you. But last night it felt so natural to do just that. And I did thank him and I told him how loved I felt, and he seemed really quite happy about it. Maybe it’s not “pathetic” for me to thank him, but a loving thing to do. Maybe he really does want me to be happy.

Now don’t get too excited and think I’ve gone all sunshine and roses and everything’s gonna be perfect. I’m actually REALLY scared. Scared this won’t last, scared things will go back to the way they’ve been, even if it’s my fault. I desperately want to go forward, and I’m so afraid I’m not strong enough to do it.

But, maybe baby steps are okay. Maybe taking two little thoughts captive is the start of learning to take more of them captive? Maybe a glimpse of hope with a dose of fear is just what it will take for me to start sincerely praying about this, and believing that God really does care about my marriage and my intimate life with my husband, even though I’m wildly flawed.

I’ve got a lot to think about, but in the meantime, thanks for caring and for your prayers.