Did you hear that, B? It’s the sound of my head slamming against my laptop, girlfriend. 😉 THAT is not the advice intended by this post. It’s to figure out together what works best for your marriage. And I’m not convinced that your husband doesn’t care about these things; moreover, you care about them, so I think he should. Will it look exactly like you want? If you have unreasonable expectations, no, it won’t. But you can find something to do for Valentine’s if you wish.

Hi E – I’m sorry if I give the impression that the problem is with my husband, or that I think he is flawed in some way. I know the problem is 99% me. I’m not dissatisfied with my marriage, I think I have things way, way better than I deserve.

Hey J, sorry about this tangent. I think I’ll take the advice intended by this post and just tell my husband we are skipping Valentine’s Day all together this year, and from now on. I’m sure it will make him both relieved and happy.

I was reading Bs comment thinking about replying with something about Love Languages, but you are on to it, J!

B, if you learn his Love Language, not only can you bless him more by showing him love in a way he understands, but you can also start to feel loved when you recognise him showing you love in his primary ‘language’. I’m not really a ‘gifts’ person, but hubby is, and it is cute how stressed he gets trying to find the ‘perfect’ birthday gift! At the end of the day, the gift isn’t as important to me (as a love language) than a massage, or a card thanking me for being awesome :-D, but I can now (with practice!) appreciate how much he is loving me, his way.

Also, you might need to spell it out for him. My hubby hates ‘words of affirmation’, but that’s what I run on, and there’s been times where I’ve had to tell him that that is important to me. Just because he doesn’t do that automatically, and needs to be reminded in between, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me!

On an different note, B, I have been reading your comments for a few months now, and obviously you are unsatisfied with the current status quo of your marriage. What comes to mind when I read your comment above is Jesus’s tale of splinters and planks. You have previously said that your husband is a good man, a good husband, so maybe instead of focusing on his failures, you need to look at yourself. And I’m not talking about physical things you can’t change (eg shorter/curvier/blue eyes/whatever), but look at your heart. Believe the best of your husband. He is never ever going to be perfect, same way you aren’t! I know I certainly don’t meet all my husband’s expectations, even when I am really really trying!
I really think that the best way to better your situation, B, is a heart/attitude change in you! After all, the only person you can change is you. And you will probably notice that when your attitude changes, so will your relationship with your husband.

I get what you’re saying. But you know what? I totally do things like call my husband and playfully say, “You know…if you loved me, you’d bring me lunch.” Then he says, “Sure, sweetheart” or “Can’t today—got a meeting” or whatever. He does the same with me: “Hey, could you ___ today? I’d really appreciate that.” That’s among the most functional parts of our marriage, just checking in and communicating what we need/want. Of course, we don’t make actual ultimatums or love tests from these, but we do make requests and see if the other has the opportunity (and sometimes, just the short-term memory) to follow through.

I think it’s more than okay to tell your husband what you like. And leave it at that. What I don’t want to do is ask him to do things for me once he already knows what I like. If he wants to do something for me, buy something for me, etc. – he will. If I have to ask, then he didn’t want to do it and it doesn’t mean much.

So like in your example, if he called and said, “I’m stopping at Chick FIL A, want something” then I’m cool asking him for what I’d like. But if I were to call him up and be like “if you love me you’ll bring me lunch” – then that right there is what I’m against. If he wants to surprise me with lunch, awesome! If he doesn’t, I’m not going to beg him to do things he doesn’t want to do.

On a brighter note, I read the post you linked above, and I’ll try. But knowing what I already know, it’s kind of hard to change an entire way of thinking. But I can try. Thanks for sharing the post.

But now we are in a better place, and i am hoping for a romantic day. Plan to talk to her about it tonight, but regardless if she feels it or not, i am going all out. Got a book made at lovebookonline.com – made a 65 page book about how much I love her. Candy, flowers, the works. I hope its reciprocal, but like i said, I am doing it. O matter what.

So you think I’m begging to tell my husband what I like? Isn’t that just helping him understand me?

Or think of it like this: My husband and I have eaten at Pei Wei many times over. I’ve heard his order repeatedly and watched him eat his favorite dish. But when I ran by Pei Wei recently to grab some dinner for us to-go, I was faced with the menu and wondering which dish it was he got. I narrowed it down to two, thought I remembered which one, but wasn’t sure. I had to call him to make sure I got the order right. Now…if I loved him, wouldn’t I remember what he liked? Wouldn’t I know my beloved so well that I’d paid attention and had his seriously-we’ve-been-there-like-30-times order down pat? No! I love him enormously, and I had some idea, but I still needed to ask and he had to tell me for sure what he wanted.

Why not treat the romance in your marriage a bit like a menu and order up what you like? It’s not cheesy.

I could ask him to get me flowers, but how cheesy is that? In my mind that would be equivalent to begging for attention or to be loved, and that is quite pathetic. Love isn’t real if you have to beg for it. And if a gift or gesture doesn’t come from the heart, but from a sense of obligation or being “told” what to do – then it’s not something the giver actually wanted to do for you, but something you forced them to do – thus rendering it meaningless (not to mention a waste of money).

And the lingerie thing, well, let’s not even go there. That’s just a topic that’s bound to cause conflict. After what I refer to as the “birthday fiasco of 2014” – I will no longer wear lingerie. That day he proved to me beyond the shadow of a doubt that he does not think I am attractive enough to deserve to wear lingerie. It used to upset me a lot. Now I try not to think of it, but at least it only upsets me a little. That day was a perfect example of actions speaking louder than words. Anyhow, I don’t even bring it up anymore. If he thought I was pretty enough to wear pretty things, he’d buy me something. Or at least encourage me to buy something – or encourage me to pull out something that he knows has been stuck in the back of the closet. But, he doesn’t, and so I’ve had to just learn to try not to care.

All of that to say, I’m not gonna beg for gifts. I’ll get him something or do something nice for him like I always do, but I’ve learned to expect nothing.