I disagree. I don’t think spouses TRY to minimize what they do after marriage. I think there tends to be a lot more giving in the dating relationship than in the early years of marriage. Then each person starts to feel neglected and they withdraw as the only way they know how to manage such a situation. Vulnerability ceases. The higher drive spouse feels cheated, the lower drive (or receptive drive spouse) feels cheated, too.

Your case is well-stated. I agree with your points.

As far as the need vs. want debate, I have given this much thought over the last few years. Everything I say is based on my experience of having lived in a sexless marriage for over 2 decades and now still in the process of coming out on the other side. Here are some of my thoughts.

1. Marriage is not defined by sex. It is possible to have a great marriage without sex. However, a marriage will never be everything it can without sex. Many people will say strong sexless marriages are not the norm. I agree, but believe this more about mindsets and belief systems than it is about lack of sex.

2. We do owe sex to our spouses. Few of us want obligation sex. We want our spouse to desire sex with us as much as we do with them. But, the bottom line is God intends for marriage to involve sex. Sex is something we owe our spouses because it was part of the promise/covenant we made when we married them. I never promised to wash my husband’s clothes or do other chores nor he to me, but we did promise to have sex in front of God, our family and friends. There was no question sex was part of the commitment we made to each other.

While I believe this, I do think we have to be careful about having an attitude of “you owe me”. I agree with you, J, that in most cases saying “you owe me sex” will not help the situation.

3. Sex contributes to our mental health. We may not die without sex, but we are certainly able to function better with it. This is definitely true for people who want sex, but I believe it also true for many people who think they don’t want or need sex. Sex helps with stress and it makes us nicer people in much the same way as eating does. Think about what happens when your blood sugar drops. You don’t function well and you are not very nice until you eat something and your blood sugar stabilizes. Sexual frustration has very similar effects.

4. Once we marry, we become one with our spouse. So, if a marriage needs sex to be all it can be so do the individuals within the marriage. A need for the marriage is a need for the individuals within the marriage. I’m not talking about particular sex acts here. Just sex.

In my case, telling my husband I needed sex was finally how I got through to him. It wasn’t quite that simplistic nor do I believe it would work in most cases of refusal, but it was what finally got my husband’s attention. Realizing I wanted and needed sex was what he needed to hear. He didn’t believe we/he/I needed sex at the time he was refusing. Now, he believes sex is a need.

Paul your comment sparked the same notion many ask while dating: “How far can we go?” when the question is really “What can we get away with?”. This is a slight twist that may be asked by a spouse that holds back from fully committing to interdependence: “What is the minimum I can do?”.

Funny how, with respect to sexual intimacy, many couples try to “maximize” what is done before marriage, but after marriage an individual spouse tries to “minimize” what they do.

Sometimes — I have to read your posts twice … three times … maybe even a forth, to really “get” what I think your message is. I am sure it is because — 1) a knee jerk reaction (what the heck! — you’ve got to be kidding! I CANT believe she just said that!) — Then the adrenaline is pumping and the brain doesn’t really get past that hyper reaction. 2) I may WANT to here a reply that resembles MY thoughts, so I shut out, and don’t immediately absorb the different perspective — I hate to say something as strong as “I get defensive” since the intensity is different, but that is the mode. I am sure there are other reasons for reading two and three times, but ultimately I find that when my mind is in a different place with each read, I get something different, or a broader understanding — kind of like reading any text meant to educate and inform; sometimes it just needs to be read multiple times to “get” the authors point, despite the quality of the writing.

So, having a summary, or a reply that points back to the original article, is awesome as it may encourage a second, or third read in order to “get” what your getting at.

So the context of this question was a husband wanting to express that something he wished to have was a sexual need in his marriage. And I wanted people to step back and see that it is a need for a marriage, but not an individual. So expressing what you want as “I need it” is unlikely to have the effect you desire. It can feel like cornering your spouse and demanding something you think you’re owed. Maybe I didn’t make that clear enough. (Although I certainly tried.)

However, I think a lot of people are reading, “Sex isn’t a need,” and having a reaction against that statement. But the big picture view of this post is that yes, you should be having sex in your marriage! Lots and lots of great, intimate sex, because that is necessary for the well-being of your relationship.

Thanks for reading and engaging!