You know, I really like this post that just went up on The Forgiven Wife blog. She says a lot of what I think, far better than I could: Is Porn Use an Addiction (And Does It Even Matter)?

Okay, let me break this down the way I think of it. Addiction is a word that gets used a lot. And what one really means might depend a bit on context. Let’s look at the following situations:

1. I’m on Facebook, and someone posts a meme about being addicted to coffee. Well, of course strictly speaking, they are not. They just like to drink coffee in the morning to get going. Do I argue that they’re not addicted to coffee? No, because we understand the colloquial use of the word addiction in this situation. That’s also how you’ll sometimes see “porn addiction” used, meaning that it’s an activity someone does a lot…that they know they shouldn’t be doing so much or even at all (in the case of porn).

2. I’m a professional Christian psychologist, and I’m determining the proper treatment of a client. A husband presents with “porn addiction,” but I don’t have sufficient science to back up the addiction claim, nor a subsequent treatment that will effectively deal with the issue. Instead, I discuss his proclivity for this behavior, its origins, fallacies of his approach, and practical steps to take so that he can overcome his habit and find healing.

3. A husband goes to his wife and says, “I’m addicted to porn. I want to stop watching, but I can’t seem to do it.” Is he actually addicted? Perhaps not, but it certainly feels like an addiction to him. Should the wife argue the term addiction, saying that it’s really his choice…or at most something like a compulsion? Let’s hope she doesn’t, because haggling over terms is less important than his realization that he’s way in over his head and needs help.

I really do think the science is not sufficiently conclusive at this point. However, I have seen some people recently arguing ad infinitum about what we call this constant porn use. And, while it matters in some ways, in other ways I think the important thing is a husband just admitting he has a problem.

If the concept of “porn” is not universally definable or identifiable and clinical consensus on how to define addiction itself is still evolving, then how can the amorphous phrase “porn addiction” be useful for understanding anything about human behavior? Or the even more fractured concept of “sexual addiction” for that matter?

The frequent conflation of addiction with compulsion is even more problematic — seems like there is no problem mixing up these two concepts and there should be.

Many Christian counselors and therapists, routinely treat “chronic masturbation” as a manifestation of sexual addiction. However, the problem is that they have no salient definition as to how much masturbation has to occur in order for it to be diagnosed as “chronic” and thus “addictive”.

With all of these abstractions, how do we even know what we are all talking about? Are we just going off of our feelings?

Yes, I understand. There is a continuing conversation about how to characterize pornography use. Is it a hobby? A habit? An addiction? A compulsion? The research has shown a bit of support for each, although perhaps “compulsion” is a clearer way to think about it for some (see http://www.apa.org/monitor/2014/04/pornography.aspx).

Look, I’m not in private therapy practice diagnosing anyone with a porn addiction and providing treatment accordingly. I strongly suggest those dealing with this problem go find the experts in this field and get real help. But I do wonder why some are so narrowly focused on whether we call it “addiction” or “compulsion” or just “stupid behavior that must be stopped yesterday.” I believe the science is incomplete, but the message is still clear: Do whatever it takes to stop this habit/addiction/compulsion/sin. Hopefully, on that…we agree.

Recently, the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT), founded in 1967, released a historic statement about sex addiction asserting that it:

1) Does not find sufficient empirical evidence to support the classification of sex addiction or porn addiction as a mental health disorder, and

2) Does not find the sexual addiction training, treatment methods and educational pedagogies to be adequately informed by accurate human sexuality knowledge. Therefore, it is the position of AASECT that linking problems related to sexual urges, thoughts or behaviors to a porn/sexual addiction process cannot be advanced by AASECT as a standard of practice for sexuality education delivery, counseling or therapy.

When I wrote my prior comment, I was pressed for time and did not do a good job of getting across what I was trying to say. I’m so sorry the person who asked the question is dealing this and is feeling alone. I think most wives who learn their husband is using porn feel isolated and like there is nowhere to turn. On top of everything, we feel shame and feel like people may blame us. So, the 2 points I was trying to make are:

1. Get help for yourself. You’re probably in shock, are scared to death and don’t know what is real. What you are experiencing is different than what your husband is dealing with. We need help understanding and navigating these feelings.

2. Many well-meaning people give bad advice to wives because they don’t understand how a husband’s porn use affects their wife. The topics I highlighted previously are some of the major areas where I think this bad advice is given. When we don’t know to watch for this, we can suffer more. My hope was to share what to look for when seeking help so you can heal.

Thank you for the candid information and encouragement. I do know couples who have completely healed from the pain of a pornography addiction. So I want to also offer you hope and encouragement. Blessings.