The Church counselor may be right about resentment, but not about sex being optional in marriage. God’s Word says otherwise. I encourage you to seek out resources that show a better, more scriptural way. I wonder if your wife, being religious, would be willing to read my devotional book, Intimacy Revealed.

Hi B, I’m the lower-drive spouse. Since having our daughter 24 months ago I’ve been a lot more in tune with my body and I’ve notixed that when I’m ovulating I am totally ready to jump in bed every night! The rest of the month, occasionally I’ll be keen, and other times I’ll be quite apathetic toward the thought of having sex (if I can put it that way). For me, I think I may have had an orgasm 10 times in nearly 5 years of marriage (total guess, but point being, not often at all), and a lot of the time he finishes and I have everything pent up and I’m just frustrated! – so, sometimes I prefer not to have sex because it saves the frustration of not finishing anyway. In the last 3 years of our marriage I have had the occasional thought that I would be totally fine if I never had sex again… but then again, if it was taken away from me, I am totally sure I would miss it! There you are; hats a bit of my story and thoughts. All the best

Yes, I do believe we need to reminded, without being nagged. That, however, can be a fine line in some marriages. Which is why making the decision to simply track the frequency yourself is a good idea.

As for the porn addiction, I just have to pipe up and say that a porn user can’t blame someone else for his/her decision to engage in that. I understand that the appeal might be higher for someone in a sexless marriage, but not everybody goes there and we have to own our choices.

Praying that you don’t fully give up, but rather find healthy and helpful ways to pursue the sexual intimacy, and other kinds of intimacy, your marriage should have.

I would say the only thing worse than being reminded of it is NOT being reminded of it. You know what happens then? Your husband, who wants to be the good guy and NOT remind you of it suffers in silence. Many sexless years later and a developing porn addiction, he will emotional check out and you will be left with not much of a husband at all.

So you can pick your poison. Get annoyed by a husband who still cares. Or get left alone by a husband who has given up.

Truly a frustrating situation! Believe me that many of us are pushing to get better education and understanding about this subject among Christian ministers, counselors, and other resources. I have seen a real change in the last 20 years, but there’s more work to be done.

I agree that he should know that. But then I have to wonder what his Masters Degree in Christian Counseling taught him if a lowly software engineer like me has to educate him on this obvious fact. Shaunti Feldhahn has a great series on this about teaching women what sex means to their husbands on an emotional level. Too bad our (former) counselor is too stuck in his mindset to see that. I think he is dogged by the fear that husbands will abuse the “need” argument to manipulate their wives into giving it up more often. What makes it especially ridiculous is he didn’t even inquire as to how often we were having sex. If I was trying to manipulate my wife into increasing our frequency from three times a week to every day, maybe he might have a point. But I was crying out in desperation to increase from practically not at all to something close to a real marriage. I’m actually way too reasonable about my expectations.

That was a couple of sexless years ago, though, and we no longer see him since we go to a different church.

Honestly, at that point I would ask to speak with that marriage counselor alone and explain what the rejection means to you. That counselor needs to understand how integral sex is to the higher-drive spouse’s sense of acceptance and intimacy. Praying for you.

So what level of frequency opened your eyes? Does this mean you also have a sense of how much is not enough? And this motivation to increase it… where did this motivation come from? Please enlighten me. I am sexless and married to a guilt-free wife.

All of the marriage blogs in the world talking about the problems of sexless marriages will not help until the people who don’t read them (my wife in this case) begin to care. Until then, the very fact that both spouses even care is, in my book, a victory.