Oh, I didn’t read the second comment you made Jn. I should have before posting my earlier response! I’m sorry I didn’t see it. Man, you’re already doing a lot to help her! My hubby’s only done the dishes once this year I think, so good on you!
All I can say then is to pray, and keep your attitude in check (which I know is hard when you feel like you’re being used). For the 4 years my husband was doing his engineering degree he cared for little else besides getting higher marks than everyone else and I was doing EVERYTHING with the children and around the house. And that was when we had 4 very small children. I seriously was considering taking off with them because I doubted he’d even notice we were gone for quite a while. But the logistics (and my love for God who put us together in the first place) foiled those plans and I stayed. I’m so glad I did, because now life is more like living in the promised land. I’ll be praying for you.

That’s got to be hard for you…but I want to encourage you, because I’m a wife with 6 children spaced like yours…all about 2 years apart. And the first pregnancy started 2 months into our marriage (almost 13 years ago). So it’s been full on right from the start! BUT, even with a house full of children, plus we run our own business and homeschool…we still have sex 5-6 times a week. So when you’re saying it’s more like once a month for you, I’m wondering if your wife is looking after herself? (also, the age of your youngest can have a lot to do with it…anytime I had a baby that was still waking up at night I’d get fatigued).
By looking after herself, I mean what she’s eating, if she’s getting at least a little child-free time in her week (my husband would sometimes take the little ones to the park or for a hike on a saturday morning to give me a couple of hours of quiet) and if she’s feeling good about her self-image (can impact desire if she’s feeling fat/fatigued/haggard…women can easily believe the lies and start feeling undesirable!)
If she likes massage, you could try offering her a massage and use aphrodisiac essential oils, like sandalwood or ylang ylang. Sandalwood is really relaxing, but also a big turn on. You’d be helping her relax and very likely get what you want later on too 🙂
I don’t want to drag this out too long, but diet does play a role in sexual health as well as general health. Less processed foods and more fresh produce will help her energy levels. If she’s busy with children/ministry/life than she may not be eating well and therefore not keeping up with her body’ needs. Maybe you could search online for aphrodisiac foods and make her dinner one night incorporating them in the meal?
Things can definitely change for you, it’s just a hectic time of life. But even in this season, it can be much better.

I presume you mean the “50% of marriages end in divorce” statistic? If so, that was never true: It was based on projections of “if things keep going this way, then half of marriages will end in divorce.” But we reached a peak of divorce and fell off from that, so it’s never been true. I recommend Shaunti Feldhahn’s book for the full story.

I really appreciate you commenting, because it’s a good point that churches can do this well. And some do. I don’t hear real bashing in my church either. Wives do talk about frustrations of dealing with the opposite sex, but it’s all in the context of wanting to understand each other and grow together, not apart. So yes, these places exist.

I have zero doubt it goes on when it’s so rampant in popular culture, but maybe it’s getting better? I would love to have more openness with regards to sex, but after reading this I’m thankful for the women I know, bashful as they may be.

I get that she’s not attending to your desires and needs. However, two wrongs don’t make a right. You’re putting up barriers to keep from being hurt more — and I understand and sympathize with that — but what if, just what if it was possible to get back to the love you had when you married? Housework clearly isn’t doing it for her, so what makes her feel loved? Do you need to have some heart-to-heart conversations not just about sex, but all kinds of intimacy? I pray that you can turn this around, and I truly believe you can accomplish a lot with God’s help. I’m praying for you both. Blessings!

Dear JN,

I will pray for your heart and your wife’s heart, so the both of you can hear the the Word of God come alive in your spirits. God loves you and God loves your wife.

Blessings my brother.

I hear you. Mine are teenagers and it’s just gotten worse. I’m just a bad guy with a hang up for having a sex drive. Doing laundry, doing most of the house work, helping in the kitchen etc. got turned on it’s head, being interpreted as a subtle message that she is inadequate. I just gave up and decided we’re in a platonic partnership from now on. I’m taking one of the spare rooms when the kids move out.