I have no doubt that God has redeemed your past. But as someone who has a sexual past, do you have any insight on my predicament? I would appreciate any thoughts you may have on this matter. Because I want to break free from this mindset.

I am so happy that you found a man who showed you how valuable you are!

I disagree. There are some women who put value on men who were not promiscuous before marriage. However, I happened to marry a woman who put no value on me whatsoever, and I was in a sexless marriage for 28 years, the first 22 by definition, and the last 6 totally sexless. When my W told me that I was a horrible husband, all of her friends had better husbands, and she could easily find a better husband, I was very much insulted. And when she told me that I had to be happy and fulfilled in a marriage which never included sex, I decided to end the marriage.

So I did things God’s way and ended up losing the vast majority of my sex life. And if you are wondering, I prayed for God to MAKE ME the best husband I could be for 25 years in hopes that someday the abuse would stop. It never did.

My point is this. Even if a man does things God’s way, it is possible that he might marry a woman who puts no value on him whatsoever. That is my situation.

I know I am a downer, but it is very hard not to be bitter about this. I know Heaven will be better.

You’re welcome. Saying a prayer for you.

I have heard that about specific sexual activities that are too tied to previous promiscuity, strip clubs, or porn for men. But I have to say that it would be rather unfair not to do kind things for your wife in the bedroom because of a bad past. I have to wonder if something else is going on (in fact, I suspect it is). But thank you for praying!

Interestingly enough, I ran your comment by a couple of men before responding. Because this viewpoint still doesn’t strike me right, as it honestly lowers our view of men. What I heard back from those two is that it’s partially true, in that the physical aspect is a strong driver for young men, but it just isn’t the whole story. They also want more in terms of relationship, and one said he was raised with the idea that girls didn’t have nearly as big of a sexual drive, and when he found otherwise he felt like the error cheated both genders. I do agree with your conclusion that a man must learn to love his wife the way Christ loves the church, but we’re all sexual beings who need to figure out how to act within God’s design for sex in marriage. Many blessings!

Two people having sex before marriage might well be acting in love, but they are also acting outside the God-given parameters of marriage. The Bible says that premarital sex is, simply put, sin. Although there are other reasons, as well, to abstain before saying I Do (see Sex Before Marriage Part 1 and Part 2 and Waiting for Sexual Intimacy).

Truth be told, though, if we’re being quite honest with ourselves: Many sexual encounters before marriage are driven more by lust than love. But I agree that’s certainly not true for all. Christianity says that if love is the driver, then out of love you wait until the vows are said and you are in covenant relationship.