It’s been a tough road for you, B. But I do see you making progress. Hang in there and really try to see this in another way. Praying for you.

Maybe. I’m at least willing to think on these things.

Maybe the problem is how I see sex drive. I see my husband. I love him. I am attracted to him. I want to have sex with him. That’s how it goes!

So if he sees me, and doesn’t want to have sex with me, my logical conclusion is I don’t spark his fire. He might possibly feel love, but certainly not attraction – because he doesn’t want to have sex. (Well, to be fair, only sometimes.) But I think if I were attractive enough (at least to him) then he would be attracted and feel desire for me.

It hurts, but I think if a woman he were actually attracted to showed up in my place, one that he found truly beautiful (brunette, short – that’s his ideal woman) – then I think he would feel a much stronger desire. I think most of the problems are because I don’t fit the bill. I am willing to admit I could be wrong. But this is what I think the problem is.

And that’s why it’s hard to feel “good enough” or just be happy with who I am, because I love him and really want to please him, but I cannot – certainly not enough to make him genuinely sexually interested (not just saying it). And that makes me sad.

So that is why I say it’s hard to work on sexual intimacy, because he doesn’t have those feelings for me.

On a brighter note, I started retreading your “prayer for higher drive wives” and I’m considering praying it.

My husband loves to cuddle too and stay connected by hand holding, resting his hand on my leg while we drive in the car, sitting close to me, always kissing me, etc. It’s something he’s always done and continues to do. Unfortunately, he just doesn’t have a strong sexual desire/urge, although he did before we got married and early into our marriage, so it was there at one time.

Last Sunday I finally broke down and explained to him how frustrating his seemingly lack of desire for me is and how frustrated I get when sex is so infrequent and yet it doesn’t seem to bother him. He thought I was angry or upset with him but I explained I wasn’t mad at him just feeling hurt and sad over what seems like a lack of desire for me and for having sex.
Did it change things that night? No, but at least I shared my feelings instead of bottling them up inside. So while communicating my feelings and desires may not change anything immediately or possibly ever as far as his sexual desire, at least it opens up the communication and let’s him know where I’m at. When I bottle it up it only makes it worse, especially for me.

I find it’s hard enough when sex is so infrequent (part of which is caused by his long work hours and him being out of town during the week right now) but what really hurts me the most is him not even acting like he’s disappointed it’s been ages since we’ve made love.
And it’s that lack of response, not just the lack of sex, which equates in my mind to a lack of desire for ME. When in my mind, all other husbands are constantly horny and climbing all over their wives for sex and mine’s not, then of course I internalize it as ME being the problem…I’m not attractive enough or desirable to him. When in fact, it’s all about him.

When we sit down on the couch to watch television and he wants to cuddle, I will find myself resistant to it if it’s been a long time since we’ve had sex, even though I want to be near him and connected. And that’s because I feel resentful over the lack of sex and the lack of interest he appears to have for it. But not cuddling with him is no-win situation for either of us. I truly miss it, but am too stubborn to allow myself to cuddle and it hurts my husband who is probably clueless as to why I won’t, and he then interprets it as me being mad at him. So around we go, neither getting what the other wants and not understanding why.

Trying to suppress your sex drive would do nothing to deal with the issue of your husband’s lower sex drive. I don’t know why your husband doesn’t desire sex more, but I don’t believe it’s because of you. He is probably just as hurt from your actions (sleeping on the couch and not cuddling) as much as you are from him not wanting sex more.

Just keep talking with him and loving on him. You may never have as much sex as you desire but I can say from experience, when you shut down you only make the situation worse, for both of you.

So here’s where I continue to think your perspective is off: “…I’m not sure how you can improve sexual intimacy in your marriage if your husband isn’t interested in you that way.” You take his low drive as an indicator that he’s not attracted to you sexually, but that’s not often the case with low drive. Many low libido spouses adore their mates, but for a variety of reasons don’t have a strong sex drive.

Also, you mention his desire to cuddle, and your response of sleeping on the couch. Turn those tables for a moment: What if his desire to cuddle is as strong as your desire to have sex? Just as it hurts that he’s denying you (and yeah, I think he shouldn’t), can you see how it hurts him that you would deny him the physical affection that makes him feel accepted and loved?

Look, if your husband was here on the blog, I’d make a lot of points about how he needs to work on his side of the sexual intimacy equation. Of course I think he needs to be more engaged in your marriage bed. But I can only deal with the spouse who comes to my blog (you, in this case), so I’m hoping you can think more deeply about how you personalize his rejection in a way that likely doesn’t reflect how he feels. After all, why would he want to snuggle with you if he wasn’t attracted to you at all? His lower sex drive is probably physiological, not personal.

Hi J, so I thought about this for a bit, and I went back and reread a couple of your posts for higher drive wives, before writing this reply. I could be stupid, but I’m not sure how you can improve sexual intimacy in your marriage if your husband isn’t interested in you that way.

I’m not sure why you’d be against a libido suppressant, if it would help the marriage. I think it would help my marriage, and selfishly, it would certainly help me. I guess in some emotional ways I’d still feel unattractive and unloved, and unworthy of my husband’s desire. But at least I wouldn’t have to deal with the physical feelings of desire.
Also, my husband loves to snuggle. I HATE it! Because I’m a selfish woman who wants to be equally loved and desired the way I desire him. And it’s actually very frustrating. When he wants to cuddle and hold me, it awakens feelings in me that are most likely not going to be dealt with. It awakens my desires to be intimate with him, but if I express that, sometimes he feels badly. So I suffer in silence. I prefer sleeping on the couch so I don’t have to feel these feelings.
But, my sleeping on the couch sometimes hurts his feelings. I don’t want to hurt his feelings. So a libido suppressant could be a good thing, then he could cuddle me all day long, and I could just feel nothing. Then I wouldn’t feel badly, and he wouldn’t have to act like he felt badly.

This reply might not sound like it, but we are actually in a much better place right now. But I’d still welcome a suppressant because I think it would make things so much simpler. (But since I don’t drink and won’t take unnecessary meds, nothing exists yet – to my knowledge).

B, I completely know your frustration, as you read in my comment on another blog the other day. 😉 But I would never want to diminish my sex drive or change who I am. Yes, it’s difficult to feel sex starved and wonder why our husband’s don’t seem to want sex or feel bothered by a low frequency…that’s actually what bugs me the most! When I’m feeling so frustrated and he doesn’t seem concerned in the least by the fact it’s been almost 2 weeks without sex, I just want to hear him tell me how much he wants me and desires me. But when he doesn’t and seems content with how things are, that almost bothers me more than not having sex.

Anyway, we can’t change who we are and somehow need to love ourselves and believe we are not abnormal just because we have a high drive and our husband’s don’t.

Hang in there!

Yes, diffusing is great with oils and obviously if it’s going to be used on the skin or in the vagina it should be used in a carrier oil like coconut oil. And not all coconut oils are the same, be sure to buy a virgin, non-refined coconut oil for purity.

But I still feel that unless someone understands essential oils they may not be the best choice especially for putting in or around the vagina.

Unless someone is a sex addict (which you are not), I’m opposed to the idea of a libido suppressant. Instead of diminishing the drive, maybe channel it while working on improving the sexual intimacy in your marriage.

Agreed! Diffusing is great though, as well as diluting with fractionated coconut oil.