What about refusing other parts of marriage? Would they think it’s okay to refuse conversation? Financial support? Personal grooming? Or other aspects of being together? I might refer them (and you) to this post: Is Refusing Sex in Marriage a Sin?

I totally understand what you saying but this situations really needs a lot of prayer because we are suppose to show compassion and love to our partners through everything but if this has gotten to place of depression on your part some time it’s hard to show love . Exspecially if you watch your spouse everyday go to the bath room for porn and you know that what’s going on porn is like a drug it takes you to a false place . And your not operatoring in the natural your looking for that same high every day . It’s to a point it would make it hard for your partner to complete. So they continue

Well, let’s not take too large steps at a time. Excommunication is only the ultimate end in a situation where a church wants to address persistent, non-repentant sin. We all agree we do not *want* to end up in that situation (although if I read St Paul, he was somewhat hopeful of the *positive* effect of it, i.e. bringing repentance). I’m still left with the question, at what moment do you involve church leadership where a spouse persistently refuses sex and does not want to change it or even acknowledge it as sin? And how to deal with the situation where church leadership does not see this as sin? I’m in a situation where I’m almost sure church leadership will not address this as sin. I therefore am very reluctant to ask for help, it might even backfire on me. I even am considering going to a different church, if I would know leadership would support me there.

It would at least set the standard that the church cares about these situations. Then those in such difficult circumstances might be more willing to seek out mentors, counselors, and other support. Marriage classes would do a better job of addressing this topic. (And please, not another “he needs it, so give it to him” message. Sex is for her too!)

It’s true that any individual can choose to agree or disagree with what the Bible and the Church are teaching, but if the issue is brought up well and more frequently, it’s harder to skirt it. And all research shows that we don’t typically change with a single exposure to information, but rather repeated encounters. So no more, “We covered sex in a single class on marriage three years ago, so we’re good.” (I’m rolling my eyes here.)

I actually agree. But since this would likely only affect a minuscule percentage of congregants, I’d rather focus on helping the 99.5%, so to speak. Long before we start talking about excommunicating people, it seems that we should follow Paul’s example and preach a lot more Gospel. Including how the Gospel affects our marriage beds.

As a last resort, I could see excommunication as an option, but only after all other possible avenues have been explored. After all, would we allow a man or woman who regularly beats their spouse to continue to sit in the pews completely unrepentant? How about drug dealers that show no remorse or repentance? How about a man who continues to watch porn without repenting and trying to stop? No, of course we wouldn’t. Eventually they would be cut off from the church and hopefully this would trigger them to wake up. Of course, this will never happen to sexual refusers because 99.9% of churches won’t even have the guts to call this out as sin.

I am not sure if spreading the knowledge through-out a church would actually effect a specific refuser. However, I do think that if the Bible’s guidelines were being followed, it would influence the next refuser’s behavior.

My wife went from being a ‘gate-keeper’ to being a total refuser. A process that took her some years. It was our private secret. My torment, for years.

If this topic had been openly discussed in church, and if we were in a church where refusal was discussed, I might have felt less ashamed and I might had brought it out.