That’s a terrible response. I suspect it came from a good place of this guy wanting you to have a healthier marriage, but yeah, that’s not helpful! Let me reword it my way: “Those things are in your past, but they understandably affect how you view the present. You need to find a way to work through them and find healing. You have a God who wants your marriage to thrive in every area, including sexual intimacy — who wants you to experience the beauty and pleasure of sex in marriage as He intended.” I don’t know what that healing looks like, but I pray you can pursue it, for your own sake.

My heart breaks with those stories. It makes me think of John 10:10: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” Satan wants to taint sexuality and make it this horrible thing, but God wants to redeem it. Not so your husband can get his climax [rolling my eyes here], but so that you both can have the life God desires in your marriage — to the full. Blessings!

You really need to talk this out with someone. While I constantly promote sexual intimacy in marriage, I’ve also constantly made that the case that you are not your spouse’s sex toy. Sex in marriage should be mutually satisfying, not one person using another. If it feels like that, you need to address it. I’m saying a prayer for you, but I also hope you have a mentor friend or counselor available to talk to about your specific situation.

Thank you ladies for your suggestions. I will check out the sites.
Yes alchemist, my assumption is Every girl has a story.

I posted once that:
age 11, I was sexually molested by my cousin
age 12, my best friend was raped by a mutual friend….she re-lived the whole thing by telling me hours after it happened and showing me the dried semen on her sheets. She never told her Mother.
age 15, I was walking home from school down a lonely mountain road. Out of the trees came a man fully naked. I turned and ran as fast as I could back to town. Found the police. I’d never seen a penis before.
age 18, I had to ride the bus to work. I passed a set of apartments and saw a man sitting on the front steps. He walked over to his car, followed me a while, then pulled over to the curb, opened the passenger door and motioned me in. I ran the other direction and lost him going through back yards and such. Two weeks later he showed up at my work as I got off, pulled up, and offered me a ride home. He had been stalking me, following the bus, finding where I worked, knew my work hours, and probably where I lived. I moved in with my Mother for a while.

The response I got on that post was from a guy. You know what he said?
“Those things were in the past. You need to find a way to get over them. You have a husband who has sexual needs you have to take care of.”

Well, I had gotten over the trauma of those events but not the lesson that men don’t always have good intentions. This guy taught me that my experiences and feelings don’t matter.
It’s my husband’s sexual needs that are more important. Wrong lesson to learn.

Anyway, yes, I don’t see how a girl’s undesired/unpleasant/traumatic sexual experiences won’t taint her feelings toward sex. It’s got to affect her somehow. If nothing else, they make a poor first impression.

Good point. And I’ve also written a post about how a wife’s past experiences affect her in this regard: Your Wife Has Been Sexually Harassed

Well, since J mentioned it. If you’re brave you could read some of the #metoo stories. I’m not a fan of social media hashtag campaigns. But I belie e the point here is that we ALL have them. Even people like me who has been very sheltered and protected growing, up have 3 (that I vividly recall). Seeing that and trying to imagine what that feels like as a young girl (men start this as soon as you start looking like a woman, which for me was 12. I had a man try and hit on me while swimming with my dad at 12 years old. Let that sink in for a bit) might help you understand why women may feel less than positive about sex. Sheila, from to love honor and vacuum also shares how she overcame significant sexual struggles early in her marriage.

You could check out the XY code, women sometimes share their struggles in the comments.

I encourage you to read the blogs of Bonny’s OysterBed7 and Chris’s The Forgiven Wife. They talk about their own stories with some good insight there.

The Marriage Bed also has a forum in which people post various stories. But in all honesty, while I follow the blogs of Paul and Lori Byerly, hosts of The Marriage Bed, I personally find forums discombobulating, so I haven’t perused the site fully. Someone else may have a suggestion here.

Here’s the problem I find in sharing it: Just when I think I have a handle that can help others, and prepare to share it, something changes. Maybe for better, maybe for worse, but it changes. Does this happen to you? Either way, I’ll keep praying, and taking notes. For what it’s worth, I’ve found this site helpful since stumbling on it, and I did. Helpful, yes, and humorous too.

All the best to your son and on your visit too!

I hope you RAN out of that counsellors office! What a completely irresponsible piece of advice! I know it must be so difficult to be in your marriage right now, but I am praying for you and your wife. Praying that God will give you the strength needed to be a loving support for your wife while she deals with these issues, and praying that God will give your wife the courage to face this issue. I pray that both of you will find your comfort in each other and the Lord during this difficult season.

Blessings