So she hates sex, and you continue doing it to her when she says to just do it, and then you’re mad because it’s not intimate? It seems like your responses are making the situation even harder for her. And most wives need to feel safe and secure in the marriage bed to participate and enjoy the experience: Safety & Vulnerability in the Bedroom

The issue seems to me to be less about you getting the frequency and kind of sex you want (understandable but selfish goal) and you helping her figure out how to enjoy the experience of sexual intimacy. I agree that a counselor would be a good step for you to take. That could help you figure out positive ways to proceed. Many blessings as you move forward!

Hi, I’m looking for a counselor sometimes. I like regular Sex very much actually I like to do it almost every day, it gives me a more positive day I’m the higher drive spouse! And it seems like my wife just doesn’t like sex that much, some times it feels like she even hates sex. And then some times she says, well just do it and then we’re over with it. That hurts because that’s not intimate, or she just doesn’t want it at all what do I have to do then. And sometimes I’m getting mad about it what do I do?

I think you should seek other counsel, perhaps a different pastor, mentor, or counselor. You need to do something to change the dynamic in your marriage. Praying for you.

I agree about some of the churches always make the wife to feel guilty. I have been married for few months now. My husband hates sex since the beginning, for him to try (and most of the time unsuccessful) once per fortnight, it’s a big burden for him. One day I asked him why to develop any kind of spiritual and physical intimacy was such a burden for him. He said there was a very attractive woman on his mind, and it stop him for desiring me. I felt broken heart after that, my marriage for me was destroyed that day. We went to look from wisdom from the Pastor .The Pastor heard the story I just told and said that the fact I ask him why he doesn’t want develop intimacy shows insecurity. And he completed saying in front of my husband that a insecure wife was really unatractive. I have never been a insecure person. People who knows me well, my family and my friends can comfirm that. But my husband keep using this against me since he heard from the Pastor. We live in marriage with no intimacy at all. My husband is really happy about our marriage, because I try my best to be kind with him despite all my unhappiness. He has someone who he can present for people as wife. He likes to live the “appearance” marriage. But I feel I live in marriage where I am used for his purpose. A marriage that is prison for me. I ask God for strength everyday to keep going in life.

I guess I go to a different denomination than most of the people here.
I’ve rarely heard any sermons that discussed marital intimacy and none that said it was mostly or mainly for men. Even in our pre-marriage course, sex was only barely discussed.

That’s still pretty much the case.

We’ve been to marriage counseling, he’s been to a sexual addiction counselor (went twice), he’s also been to sex addicts anonymous and got a lot out of it for the first month or so. After that he felt it was just a bunch of people trying to impress the facilitator who happened to be the guy who started the whole organization. We stopped marriage counseling because he felt it was all about him needing to change and I didn’t need to do anything. While I agree she focused more on him, his behavior was much more damaging and he did have more changing to do. He just doesn’t like being told he is in the wrong. I have continued counseling on my own and have benefited from it. I hope to eventually get him to see the counselor I’m seeing. I like his approach a lot better than the marriage counselor we saw and while he isn’t a marriage counselor he takes a whole family approach which I think would benefit our marriage.

Oh, I just want to hug you. How difficult that discovery must have been! He clearly has some wrong views about sexuality. Yes, sex is highly related to intimacy, but sometimes people seek sex as a way to feel false intimacy and acceptance. He needs to continue his journey to get to a place of seeing sex the God way created it for marriage.

And if you haven’t been in counseling, you might consider that too. You need support for what you’ve gone through.

Lisa, wow, I like what you said about how our culture treats boys and young men. That is very enlightening to me. As a guy, I’m taught that the only type of physical affection I need is sexual. Yes, girls hug and touch each other, but boys are taught that they don’t need physical affection. So that’s likely one reason guys are so extra-sexual (only one reason though 🙂 ). And right – we are starved for intimacy and affection – and sex seems to be our only outlet. Wow – what you wrote seems like a revelation for me. Thanks.

I would disagree with you though about churches teaching that men need sex more. Granted that the percentage of wives with a higher sex drive is rising, it still lags behind men. Until and unless it hits 50% or more, I think churches (and society) will always feel that men need sex more than women do. And why wouldn’t they? If the percentage is less than 50%, it’s natural to conclude that (on average) men need and desire sex more than women. It may not be true, but it’s natural to conclude that.