Comments on: Q&A with J: I Just Found Out My Husband Cheated

By: J

Fri, 09 Mar 2018 03:20:06 +0000

In reply to Voly. Thanks! I have definitely heard of this organization.

By: Voly

Voly — Thu, 08 Mar 2018 23:14:37 +0000

I am 16 months out from discovering my husband of 20 years had a 2.5 year sexting affair with an acquaintance of ours. It was and has been the most devastating event in my life as well as my husband’s. Infidelity is more traumatic than losing a child. I know…. Having said that, there is definitely hope!
Because we live in a very remote part of the United States, access to counseling, pastoral or otherwise was and is out of the question, but God and His mercy lead us to http://www.affairrecovery.com, which has online classes and they are faith based. I know my husband and I would not still be together had it not been for the help we received and are still receiving.
I’m just throwing this out there in case there are others who need this kind of specialized counseling and there are not resources in their area.
By the way, my husband has come to know the Lord through all of this. He recognized his arrogance, entitlement and selfish ways led him down the road of unfaithfulness. I will say, I am so grateful to God for his change in heart as he is becoming a wonderful husband, but I do not recommend this path. God and His ways, who can figure!
To Healing!

By: J

Thu, 08 Mar 2018 16:54:22 +0000

In reply to Greg Griffin.

Thanks, Greg! (And if anyone is wondering, he is a Christian counselor in Georgia.)

Sometimes I leave out identifying information from the email I received. And there was some mitigating information not included here, but since I published this post to everyone, that’s really not the point. I also believe I could have made it much clearer that I believe these steps build on each other. I’m not thinking that in the midst of grieving and asking a bunch of questions that she’s then suddenly like, “Date night, babe! And maybe you’ll get lucky…” My bad for making it sound that way!

Thanks so much for sharing your expertise and thoughts on these issues. I appreciate what counselors like you do in working directly with couples. For most who go through the pain of infidelity, I believe that’s a crucial step. Many blessings!

By: Greg Griffin

Greg Griffin — Thu, 08 Mar 2018 16:24:13 +0000

Thanks for all your good work to help couples! I check in on your blog from time to time and I find you to be a helpful and encouraging resource!

I don’t usually reply to posts, but I wanted to weigh in as a Pastoral Counselor who’s evolved into an infidelity expert of sorts- I had to, because it was so prevalent in my clients. I found myself researching like crazy and reading Dave Carder’s excellent books, which is the most helpful I’ve found so far.

While every couple is different, couples facing infidelity share so much in common, especially in “finding the way back.” I appreciate and agree with your first three points wholeheartedly, and find myself wincing a bit on points 4 and 5. They seem WAY too soon, IMHO. And not just because I’m a counselor (I thought I was going to be a youth pastor forever, and God had a different plan- go figure), but counseling with someone who understands infidelity (what class type of infidelity, the duration of the affair, etc.) is a MUST to heal and move forward in grace and health. Yes, couples who try on their own might stay together for the long haul, but the trust is so fragile and intimacy of any kind is impossible. Yes, impossible.

It breaks my heart when I hear story after story in my office, and yet I’m so pumped when I get a front row seat to watch God’s healing grace and mercy create an even stronger marriage than before. To your point 3, things were not what they needed to be BEFORE the affair that contributed to the disconnect and loneliness.

Thanks for listening, and keep up the fantastic work!

By: J

Thu, 08 Mar 2018 14:59:16 +0000

In reply to Heather. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad you two worked through it and came out better on the other side! Such a beautiful, hope-inducing testimony.

By: Heather

Heather — Thu, 08 Mar 2018 14:09:41 +0000

This is so well-written, J. Thank you for pointing-out that asking specifics is often more destructive than helpful, as you are forcing your spouse to re-live the events–I did not heed this advice when we were going through this, and I regret it now. I learned so much about my husband’s ability to compartmentalize his thoughts–it seemed impossible to me and my “spaghetti brain” that he could choose not to think about the affair, but he eventually had to be very clear with me that the only time he did was when I asked specific questions, and that was very frustrating for him, because he didn’t want to think about it at all.

I also feel that having a good, Christian counselor to help guide you and your marriage through this process is invaluable, because in so many cases, it isn’t just about your marriage, but about your spouse’s inner struggles, as well. My husband came to know Christ while we were in counseling! Our marriage isn’t and will never be perfect, but God showed His power in a way I’d never experienced before, and by His grace (and a lot of difficult, guided emotional and spiritual work,) our marriage is stronger now than ever before. He truly can use anything for His glory!