I’m happy to read your comment; I’m struggling to reconcile what I hear others complaining about and what I experienced myself, and I guess it troubles me because I want so much to get it right with my kids. I read so many things about what “purity culture” taught that aren’t at all what I was taught, even though I signed a pledge and am glad of it. I definitely thought sex was a good thing, looked forward to it, and enjoy it now. I never thought I was making a deal with God that ensured I would get married and be happily married, and nobody ever said that I was. I never thought virginity was just for girls. I DO think that there was too much emphasis on “purity” being the girl’s responsibility because boys “can’t help it”, and I do think that had ramifications in my marriage, though surmountable ones. I think there may have been a little too much stress on not even hand-holding. I don’t doubt that others had a painful experience, but I’m trying to unravel the difference in what they were taught and what I was.

I do agree that we can over-shelter our kids from sexuality. Hollywood is about the farthest thing from reality.

I love this contrast: “are we sterilizing our kids environment or are we building them up to be strong disciples in this world.” Nicely put.

I was married at 28 years 11 and a half months. I waited. My husband and I dated 3.5 years and had nearly a year long engagement. I would not say I “wasted” a decade not having sex. Honestly, life is not about sex. Marriage isn’t about sex. Objectively, even if a couple has sex an hour a day, that’s still a tiny fraction of you weekly waking hours.

If anything I feel like I won bigtime. I got to skip out on a decade of OBGYN visit, fear of pregnancy, worrying if guys are just using me, guilt, and other assorted sexual garbage. The OBGYN visits missed alone “makes up” for it imho.

In addition. “Culture” is not a sentient entity. Much less a diety. We need not let it dictate what we do. You talk about marriage being moved out a decade or more. Like you have no control over it. Nothing is stopping people from getting married at 18, or 22, or any other age except lies and their priorities. You can go to college while married. You can go to grad school while married. You can travel the world married. You life or youth doesn’t mysteriously end when you say “I do”. In my church the norm is getting married directly after graduation at 21/22 for most of them.

So that would be a practical application for preserving chastity. Don’t try and stop your children from marrying until some arbitrary date (graduation, establishing career or whatever). If your young adult child wants to get married, make sure it’s a prudent match. But if you as parent did your job correctly, they are hopefully mature enough to make adult decisions. Don’t throw up artificial barriers to getting married “early”.

It’s really not that difficult. Just stay out in public places for the most part, don’t be together late at night. Don’t do things that would put you in compromising potions.

This should be easy in American college context. Stay in the RUF (or whatever campus ministry) house, and make sure your roommates are there when your boyfriend is. Don’t take bf in your room, ever, for any reason. Stay in the public areas of campus.

If this is your normal routine it becomes almost impossible to accidently mess up. You need to plan and go out of your way to be in a sufficiently private place where messing up becomes possible. And not kissing beyond a peck/ goodnight kiss is hardly impossible either. Again, if that’s a firm boundary it’s quite difficult to overstep that bound to the extend that you end up in bed together.

Referencing you comments above, I think I agree Paul Bryarly is correct. If you are walking around that aroused it shouldn’t take much physical stimulation to diffuse the situation. I don’t see why people make such a big deal out of it. Just take care of it and get on with your life.

I get it! And I like ma’am just fine, being the Southern gal I am. 🙂

1. We told the kids they could date when they are 16. Oh boy were they upset. They were probably 10 or12 at the time. By the time 16 came around our oldest didn’t want to date. She’s 18 now & read a few Christian women’s books & stuff & she’s fine. She had a few interests. She came to us with them. We talked & left her to pursue or not. Our other daughter wanted to date at 12 or 13. She asked. I said no. She was very upset but listened to reason, calmed down, & became ok with it. It was more of a peer pressure thing that her & the boy realized it wasn’t who they were to do that.

2. A year ago our oldest daughter was propositioned by a boy a year older than her, at church. Not for intercourse but a handy. This boy was a red flag walking from the start. We knew him well enough & befriended him when our common interests crossed. When the proposition happened our daughter turned him down then came to us to talk about it after she confessed it to her small group. In which she found other girls were propositioned too. No one freaked out. Our daughter thought it was gross but she processed. What mom & dad had told her, discussed with her, had proven true. That’s what you want when life happens. For your advice, teaching, & example to ring true to your kids.

Sorry J/Ms. J 🙂 Force of habit, Okie kids are raised to call everyone sir/ma’am Mrs./Mr. otherwise we get our mouths washed out with soap! 😉

One huge problem I see is that we Christians can deceptively believe in perfection. That we can make or become the perfect person or situation. God knew sin was going to happen before it happened but He still left Adam & Eve alone. It was a controlled test.

We as parents need to be ahead of the game. It’s not that hard for a parent to know where they failed & where they needed help. I think this post boils down to are we sterilizing our kids environment or are we building them up to be strong disciples in this world. We all know the stories that very liberal parenting & very sheltering parents produce kids that are very weak minded & very curious to the point of teen pregnancy & such. What we have found is an environment of controlled testing is suitable to us. We have talked sex from day one with our kids. Age appropriate stuff like gender & privates with them at earliest ages. Then as life goes on we were proactive. My wife & I have always had PDA. Not anything gross. We genuinely showed & talked up the secure loving environment of marriage while being proactive about up & coming pitfalls. What I found is you give them enough good/great things to want God’s path & teach them of the pitfalls & traps. Then when life happens around them; cohabitation, trans/gay kids @ school, divorced families& such they will process. While that is happening engage. Talk about what they are seeing in other homes compared to yours & the Bible example. They will process. Nothing is perfect but this will equip them. The choice will be theirs, but silence either means approval or hiding to a child. Teach them early, model the holy, & they will adjust. Be a parent speaking & listening with them.

Example: from day one we have had a no door closed unless you are changing clothes or naked type stuff. Early on our oldest complained loudly to a school friend that we have open doors in our house when the friend wanted our daughter to lie or compromise her character. This friend was being raised by her grand parents & never socialized with them. We stuck to our guns & discussed the reality. Today, they are adjusted. That was the only problem. Our kids have no problem being open with us. There is a good dialogue of God’s way & the world. Our oldest is getting ready to graduate & our kids are way better off than us parents at their age. Won’t know the outcome till a few years yet. But my wife & I know the atmosphere is definitely better than when we were kids.

Regardless of how long we wait, you’re absolutely right that God expects our compliance with what he expects. We all have to deal with what we were given.