But do you see that, likewise, a wife could argue “if he continues in a pattern that frustrates her efforts to feel understood and connected, knowing she is struggling,” is he honoring her? That’s why I’m simply trying to point out that it’s not intentional; there are expectation and communication differences we need to address. And yeah, I agree entirely that she needs to learn to speak up more clearly. (I’ve said that so many times, I don’t even know why I’d have to say it again…but there you go.) What I object to is characterizing erroneous expectations, on either side, as being intended to create a “master/subordinate” or “trainer/pet” relationship. We just have to learn to respect each other’s differences and negotiate that effectively in marriage.

One doesn’t show love and honor by watching the other struggle while having the information needed for success.

If one continues in a pattern that frustrates her husbands efforts to understand and connect, knowing he is struggling, i fail to see how that is showing love and honoring him.

It seems more like training a pet to respond. It can be a master/subordinate relationship from the perspective of the hapless trainee.

WELL stated.

Yes, affirmative,TRUTH….lol

M

My experience also. Since my husband and I have reached our 60’s, we’ve found our communication and understanding of each other becoming less effective. Age related? Almost daily, one of us ends up asking the other, “Are we not communicating?” It’s become quite humorous really.

Forgive me J, but I’m pretty sure that I’ve been arguing that it doesn’t matter who does more work and what’s fair. That’s the point of all this and the point of my comment about sex. What does it matter as long as the marriage is stronger overall and both parties are happy. Sometimes the husband will have to exert more effort or bend more and sometimes it will be the wife.

Point taken, although I do see one difference. When my wife was withholding sex from me, it was because “that’s just the way I am.” If I had withheld conversation from her because “that’s the way I am,” we would have gotten nowhere.

Men generally don’t communicate verbally well with their wives NOT because they are afraid to do so, or because they don’t or won’t try. It’s because we poor schlubbs truly can’t figure it out without a lot of help.

Having studied other languages, I know how hard it is to communicate when your grasp is limited. But most people will try to help you communicate. The problem arises when a man feels he has to figure it out on his own with no help at all.

When my wife began to realize how vital sexual intimacy is for me, my very marriage lifeblood, I helped her along. And, to her everlasting credit, she helped to understand her better and communicate her way better. And I give God all the praise for this, because I know many couples never get past the deadlock. He changed both of us.