Monthly Archives: December 2018

Here’s How to Talk to Your Spouse About Sex

Having sex can be awkward. Oddly enough, talking about sex can be even more awkward.

Blog post title + couple talking in bed

How do you bring up to your concerns, desires, or ideas to your spouse? What issues should you even talk about? How can you get them to understand you, and how can you possibly understand them?

It’s not easy, because you are two different people, with different histories, different perspectives, and different longings. But guess what? I’m making it much easier for you!

Pillow Talk Book Cover, click to learn more or find buy links

I’ve released a new book titled Pillow Talk: 40 Conversations About Sex for Married Couples. It provides you the framework for having productive conversations on all kinds of topics from kissing to sexual fantasies to frequency to erogenous zones to sexual baggage and much more.

This book is not prescriptive on what exactly your sex life should look like, but rather helps you discuss how you can address the sexual intimacy part of your marriage in a way that honors and satisfies both of you.

For some reading this, that may seem like a tall order. But I can’t think of anything in this book that would be problematic for either a higher-desire spouse or a lower-desire spouse. You each get the opportunity to express where you are and what you think. Of course, you’re often encouraged to not settle for the here-and-now but to pursue healthier and holier sexual intimacy, because that’s God’s design—for both of you and for your marriage.

To learn more about the book, head over to the Pillow Talk page on my site. You’ll find a full description, a sample view, and buy links. For a short time, the Pillow Talk ebook is offered at an introductory price of only $2.99! The print book is coming in early 2019.

I pray this resource will bless many marriages! Happy New Year.

Christmas Gift Certificates for Your Spouse

I like giving a holiday gift to my readers—something that says both Merry Christmas and thank you! After all, I wouldn’t be here but for those of you who read, follow, subscribe, share, and comment on my posts.

This year, I took an oldie but goodie and updated it! Below are downloadable gift certificates for wife and husband to tuck into one another’s stockings or place under the tree. Each certificate entitles the bearer to a loving or sexy gift and includes a quote from Song of Songs.

Print them all to create a book or stack of certificates or simply use the ones you like and leave the rest behind. For sturdier certificates, print on photo paper or card stock. Each page has three certificates, and you merely need to cut the page horizontally into thirds.

Gift certificates for him: Click HERE to Download

Preview

Christmas-Gift-Certificates-for-Him

Gift certificates for her: Click HERE to Download

Preview

Christmas-Gift-Certificates-for-Her

Merry Christmas!

from J at Hot, Holy & Humorous

Some previous years’ gifts:

A Few of My Favorite Things for Christmas

Looking for gift ideas for Christmas? I’ve done so many posts on that topic that I will list them at the bottom of this post. But first, I want to highlight some of my favorite new offerings this season.

Peace. Love. Joy. from Calm.Healthy.Sexy.

Gaye Christmus of Calm.Healthy.Sexy. recently released Peace. Love. Joy. – 75 Simple Ways to Take Care of Your Health, Happiness, and Marriage this Holiday Season. I love Gaye’s approach to creating a life that’s simpler, stronger, and sexier. Once again, she applies her practical approach to the holidays—with lots of wonderful tips on making this season the very best it can be!

12 Sexy Days of Christmas from The Dating Divas

For both the crafty and craft-challenged, like me, The Dating Divas has a lot of resources to add romance and spice to your marriage. I’m impressed with the depth of detail put into their products, and here’s one that could help keep your sex life zooming over the holidays. The 12 Sexy Days of Christmas printable pack includes a countdown organizer, customizable envelope covers, and customizable activity and gift tags.

Intimacy Mentoring from The Forgiven Wife

Chris Taylor of The Forgiven Wife is starting a new endeavor of providing intimacy mentoring to wives who’ve struggled to engage in or enjoy sexual intimacy in their marriage. She’s offering a range of services from a weekly encouragement email to weekly personal check-ins and monthly videoconferencing. Wives, this could be just the right gift for yourself and your marriage. (And a quick note to frustrated husbands: I understand your frustration, but your wife should be the one to sign up.)

On-Sale Lingerie from Honoring Intimates

Honoring Intimates, a Christian-based lingerie and marital aid store, has good, quality items at reasonable prices. And right now, they’re offering a fabulous deal of 35% off orders of $30 or more! The deal is good through December 22nd with the code CHRISTMAS. Check it out.

affiliate link

A Christmas Short Story from Me

A couple of years ago, I wrote a short story just for Christmas. Under the Mistletoe a quick read and absolutely free! I recommend not only that you read it but pass it along to another couple. Stories are a great way to ease a friend into thinking about how wonderful God created sex in marriage to be.

It’s Christmas Eve, and Grace still hasn’t seen a present under the Christmas tree from her husband. When Todd announces there is no present coming, she feels snubbed, not realizing that he’s got a different surprise planned. But is his gift what she really wants? Or even what she needs?

4000-word short story.

Amazon Kindle

And as promised, here are a lot of other Christmas gift idea posts through the years. (My apologies if any links do not work; sometimes a product or page goes away.)

Q&A with J: Are Separate Bedrooms Okay?

Today’s question is an interesting one, and a take on separate bedrooms I’d never considered before. Here’s what the wife asks:

Is having separate bedrooms a sin? We have sex several times a day…. I cannot sleep in the same bed as my husband. I wake up numerous times a night. He is hot (temperature) and I wake up sweating. He also snores. … He tells me that separate bedrooms are the fast way to divorce. I’m not leaving. I just want to sleep a full nights sleep in my pajamas and read for 10 minutes before turning off the lamp and going to sleep.

Is sleeping apart a sin?

No, having separate bedrooms is not a sin. 

In various cultures and eras, separate bedrooms were used by husband and wife, including men and women in the Bible. One example is Genesis 31:33: “So Laban went into Jacob’s tent and into Leah’s tent and into the tent of the two female servants, but he found nothing. After he came out of Leah’s tent, he entered Rachel’s tent.” Jacob, Leah, and Rachel all had their own tents, and that setup doesn’t appear to have been unusual.

Will separate beds cause divorce?

Today, the National Sleep Foundation reports that 1 in 4 couples sleeps in separate beds. The divorce rate is about 33% (it’s hard to calculate, but that’s close), and I simply cannot believe that separate-bed couples account for a big percentage of that. So clearly, some couples are sleeping apart and remaining married.

If everything else in the marriage is good, why would not spending time together during the part of the day you’re mostly unconscious cause you to lose your commitment to one another?

What are the benefits of separate beds?

One can make a good case that separate beds actually benefit the marriage and your sex life. By not sharing bed, you avoid issues of snoring, cover-hogging, needing different mattress firmness, noise and light preferences, and falling asleep at opposite times or in unmatched ways. Dodging those interruptions contributes to achieving more and better sleep.

And quality sleep could help you get along better. We all know that feeling of being sleep-deprived and feeling a little snippy with others. But a specific marriage study conducted in 2017 with 43 couples demonstrated that a lack of sleep (less than 7 hours) heightened stress and conflict. If both spouses hadn’t slept enough, arguments became more hostile. Not a good outcome for marriage.

Fatigue is also named as one of the primary reasons why lower-drive spouses don’t feel like engaging in sex or struggle to participate fully. Sex requires some energy, and if you’re wiped out from not sleeping well, you don’t have as much juice to devote to sexual intimacy. As one husband who admitted to not sleeping with his wife said: “We have the most active sex life of any couple I’ve spoken with on the subject. Let’s face it — lack of energy is a far greater threat to an active sex life than lack of opportunity. And we are better rested.”

What are the drawbacks of separate beds?

If you moved into different bedrooms, and sexual intimacy fell off, then yes, it could be a problem. This questioner actually says, “We have sex several times a day.” Several times a day? That’s quite a lot for any marriage. I hardly believe that sleeping separately at night will kill that sex life.

But for many couples, sleeping apart may indeed cause problems. Drawbacks could include less sexual intimacy, not sleeping as well without your spouse, losing physical touch, and missing connection times. Sleeping apart usually reduces the opportunities you have to talk, touch, and make love. You could make that up at other times, but the question is will you?

Some couples who end up in separate beds drift apart in other ways, as they simply spend less time together. And some spouses actually head to another bedroom to avoid communication, affection, or sex—in which case, this is obviously a bad idea.

What about temporary arrangements?

Most couples at one time or another sleep in different beds, due to illness, caring for children, rampant snoring, or even that rare argument that makes you want a little more time to cool off. 

If the situation is temporary, it’s not likely to change your overall marriage. But it’s worth discussing how it might affect each of you and looking for ways to minimize any negative consequences.

What about this specific situation?

Back to the original question, it’s certainly not a sin to sleep in separate beds. It strikes me that all of your reasons for wanting to do so are reasonable—your desire to wind down through reading, his snoring, your sweating, and your waking up several times a night. You’re not dodging him or sex, just trying to get a good night’s sleep.

First, try addressing the issues that get in the way of you getting sleep while in the same bed. But if that doesn’t work, you could snuggle up and stay until your husband falls asleep, head to the other bedroom. Then you can both get the rest you need.

Intimacy Revealed Ad

Sources:  “Lack of Sleep Fuels Harmful Inflammatory Response to Marital Stress.” Newswise = Smart News Connection. Accessed December 04, 2018. https://www.newswise.com/articles/view/676974/; 
“My Wife and I Sleep in Separate Bedrooms. Our Marriage (and Sex Life) Have Never Been Better.” Los Angeles Times. March 26, 2018. Accessed December 05, 2018. https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-austin-separate-bedrooms-20180326-story.html.