I find it so sad that many Christians have been taught such things. I grew up in the church, and while I heard a lot of bad messages, I also heard that you had to be a full person in Christ before you can successfully join with another in marriage. That is, the equation isn’t 1/2 + 1/2 = 1, but 1 + 1 = 1.

Glad you found the answers, and here’s hoping that we get that equation across more and more each day!

This is a hugely complex topic: 1) Virtually every “good-willed” spouse is also guilty of “Normal Marital Sadism” according to Dr. David Schnarch, 2) Physical abuse by the wife occurs even in homes who espouse the husband’s headship, 3) wives with a Cinderella Complex create patriarchal relationships while killing killing sex and passion.

The journey that my wife and I have been on the last four years (been married 41 yrs) has taught us that we both need to have a solid, secure Self that is differentiated from each other in order to be both connected to each other and capable of self direction. A solid secure Self includes a sexual self, even an erotic Self. Unfortunately, our Christian culture has taught us that it is selfish to develop a solid secure self that is differentiated from our spouse. As it turns out, those without a solid, secure self are the most selfish of all. I was living proof!

A Christian counselor wisely told me that until I develop a healthy “I” and until my wife develops her healthy “I,” we had no hope of having a healthy “we.” It has been four years since we heard that. We’re still working on it but we are both grateful for the progress.

I agree. Even the submission language in Ephesians 5 (and other passages) has as much to do with alignment to the purposes of God and not dictatorial authoritarian rule. The deeper issue concerning the entire issue of headship/submission is trust. It’s funny how many pastors (by the way I have been in ministry for over 40 years) fail to put this forward when talking about the issue. Nice article J. Parker.

How interesting. Those messages are not the same as what many others received. We definitely have our own backgrounds and lenses for perceiving what we see, experience, and read.

Yes, I wrote a post not long ago about how to read a marriage book, and one caveat is that most marriage advice does not apply to those in abusive situations. Eggerichs himself says that, but sometimes hear these messages or read the book without understanding that important point.

I think you are doing an excellent job with this series, and I’m looking forward to reading the last one. I read the book twice. When I asked my ex-husband to read it, he said the portion on respecting husbands didn’t even resonate with him. I do remember thinking that the ways the author said to show love to a wife seemed pretty right on for me.

A problem I see is that so many people fail to do their own Bible study and take books like this as the only gospel truth. This author says women need love more than respect, so many people believe that without looking at other Scriptures or introspection. But husbands are commanded to honor their wives. The Greek word for honor is the same word that’s used for “glory, honor, and praise.” Pretty big deal! And in times of reflection have discovered that my ex-husband’s lack of respect was a bigger issue than his lack of love. I mean, without respect, there IS no love.

As for the book not promoting abuse, I sort of agree, from what I remember. But there is a huge problem. If a woman is in an abusive relationship, and she is trying to follow the book’s advice, it won’t get better for her. She will only take on more responsibility for the toxic situation, and she won’t get help. Heaven forbid she tell anyone he is abusing her, because that would shame him, the ultimate disrespect!

DL and Jason,

So what would unconditional respect look like then?