Comments on: Q&A with J: Should A Higher Drive Spouse Lower Their Expectations? https://hotholyhumorous.com/2019/10/02/should-hd-spouse-lower-expectations/ God's Design for Marital Intimacy Sat, 18 Jul 2020 04:47:00 +0000 hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=7.1.4 By: Red lover girl https://hotholyhumorous.com/2019/10/02/should-hd-spouse-lower-expectations/#comment-96708 Sat, 18 Jul 2020 04:47:00 +0000 https://hotholyhumorous.com/?p=27710#comment-96708 In reply to Wife.

For me and my husband, this helps to know that there are other people who have similar experiences and it’s going to be a great thing to talk about.

]]> By: J https://hotholyhumorous.com/2019/10/02/should-hd-spouse-lower-expectations/#comment-96419 Fri, 05 Jun 2020 02:48:57 +0000 https://hotholyhumorous.com/?p=27710#comment-96419 In reply to Notdeadyet.

It could well be that your spouse is the one with the problem, but once married, it must become a “we” goal to fix whatever it is so that you can both enjoy what God intended you to have.

]]> By: J https://hotholyhumorous.com/2019/10/02/should-hd-spouse-lower-expectations/#comment-96418 Fri, 05 Jun 2020 02:46:39 +0000 https://hotholyhumorous.com/?p=27710#comment-96418 In reply to Notdeadyet.

How much of my site have you read? Because I constantly talk about the need to prioritize sex in marriage! I have actually said that withholding sex can reach the level of sin. I have a devotional book for wives encouraging them to get past their misconceptions and hangups and make love with their husbands (for their benefit, as well as their husband’s). I promote more sex through my podcast with three other wives.

But I’m also a practical person who looks for real ways for higher desire spouses to make progress in their marriage. Being the HD spouse in my own marriage, I know how important it can be to be consider the “sensitivities of the LD” spouse so that you can troubleshoot those, resolve them, and create a sexually intimate life for both of you.

If you want someone to browbeat your spouse into having sex out of fear of losing their marriage, I’m not your spokesperson for that. I think it matters not only that you reach your goal, but how you reach your goal.

]]> By: Notdeadyet https://hotholyhumorous.com/2019/10/02/should-hd-spouse-lower-expectations/#comment-96410 Thu, 04 Jun 2020 16:42:21 +0000 https://hotholyhumorous.com/?p=27710#comment-96410 As I read all of these comments, it seems the one common denominator in all these sad stories is a struggle for CONTROL. The LD is always fighting to control the marriage and the spouse. It seems they instinctively know where the HD is most vulnerable and they take brutal advantage of that knowledge in order to maintain their veneer of control. The HD is just expected to roll over and acquiesce. And virtually every article I read is aimed coddling the sensitivities of the LD while lecturing the HD what they need to “understand” about their “poor, victim” LD spouse, followed by the exhortation to work on a long list of changes designed to enable the LDs disfunction. Where are the articles that have the courage to say, “Hey LD. Pull your head out and take care of your marriage before you lose it! YOU are the one who needs to adapt!”

]]> By: Notdeadyet https://hotholyhumorous.com/2019/10/02/should-hd-spouse-lower-expectations/#comment-96409 Thu, 04 Jun 2020 16:00:15 +0000 https://hotholyhumorous.com/?p=27710#comment-96409 In reply to EB.

Have you heard this one? Didn’t we just do that last year? Sure, you’re the one with the problem…

]]> By: J https://hotholyhumorous.com/2019/10/02/should-hd-spouse-lower-expectations/#comment-96354 Thu, 28 May 2020 01:38:21 +0000 https://hotholyhumorous.com/?p=27710#comment-96354 In reply to Rebecca Kepler.

Wow, thanks so much for sharing your story! It is one of hope, and I pray that it encourages others. Glad y’all figured things out. Blessings!

]]> By: Rebecca Kepler https://hotholyhumorous.com/2019/10/02/should-hd-spouse-lower-expectations/#comment-96353 Thu, 28 May 2020 00:49:39 +0000 https://hotholyhumorous.com/?p=27710#comment-96353 Hello,
I really feel for all the higher drive spouses commenting here who are struggling. I’m a higher drive wife and me and my husband definitely went through a time where we were barely having sex (in my opinion) like once a month maybe. And that lasted for almost 2 years. It was a super rough time, and I remember all those conversations we had about frequency and why it wasn’t happening, and you know, It was really frustrating. Sometimes I would leave in tears. I felt like our marriage was going to fall apart. For other reasons too. For me, I had to realize that I was part of the problem and there were things I needed to change. I started listening to marriage podcasts. I read books about marriage, I read articles like this. And after about a year of working on it our marriage is completely different. It took time, but we worked through it. Now that our marriage is healthier, our sex life is healthier too. It is the best it’s ever been. Maybe working on your marriage is the best way to start working on your sex life. That was my experience anyways. I really feel for you guys. I wish I could help more!

]]> By: Chris https://hotholyhumorous.com/2019/10/02/should-hd-spouse-lower-expectations/#comment-82448 Thu, 10 Oct 2019 18:07:53 +0000 https://hotholyhumorous.com/?p=27710#comment-82448 This is a great article. Relationships, especially in marriage, are often about comprises. I would love to make love daily, even after almost three decades of marriage. My wife is OK with a couple times a week, but knows how much it impacts our relationship in an incredibly positive way. I think the most important piece of advice in the article is how you decline your spouse if he or she is initiating and the timing isn’t good. First, assess whether or not you are needlessly putting your desires before your spouse. Then, be incredibly gracious and sensitive if you decide to ask your spouse to delay in making love. I can be easily crushed by a denial, even after so many years of marriage. Nothing seems to hit me as hard. It is a deep, personal, rejection. I have pretty thick skin, except in these instances. You should want to build up the your spouse and how you respond can have a tremendous impact on their confidence in the relationship.

]]> By: J https://hotholyhumorous.com/2019/10/02/should-hd-spouse-lower-expectations/#comment-82433 Thu, 10 Oct 2019 14:31:02 +0000 https://hotholyhumorous.com/?p=27710#comment-82433 In reply to Nicholas.

It IS important, because it’s part of God’s plan for expressing and nurturing intimacy. Have you talked to your wife about it? Have you tried to uncover the reasons why her drive dropped off? I encourage you to talk to your wife and then listen, really listen. You might check out this post: How to Talk about Sexual Problems with Your Spouse (A related post would be this one: Are You Listening to What Your Spouse Says about Sex?)

Saying a prayer for you!

]]> By: Nicholas https://hotholyhumorous.com/2019/10/02/should-hd-spouse-lower-expectations/#comment-82352 Wed, 09 Oct 2019 14:26:16 +0000 https://hotholyhumorous.com/?p=27710#comment-82352 In reply to hubbym.

I have been reading this and similar blogs in the hope of figuring out what to do. We have been married for over 44 years. Our sex life was “normal” and not a source of conflict. About 10 years ago, frequency started falling off. Our situation now is so much like others I have read: I have an occasional drive and she has…none. Her work, house cleaning obsession and being overly tired leaves no time or emotion for anything else. I feel that perhaps I am being selfish and this is perhaps not so important. Yet, I cannot shake how badly it makes me feel having no intimacy.
Just writing this and I am too ashamed to continue. Thanks for listening.

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