Comments on: Resolution Week: Are Toxic People Damaging Your Marriage?

By: Terry

Terry — Thu, 02 Jan 2020 17:58:16 +0000

I have found myself the “beneficiary” of my in-laws’ toxic relationship with my father-in-law’s mother, oddly enough…she is passed away now but for almost their entire marriage she was a divisive element in the family, first predicting a failed marriage and then playing one son against another (my FiL being the “good Christian” and his brother being the “helpful” one around the house) such that communication between families was nil and reunions were strained and tense if both families were even present. Walking away was not an option (and for years they were unaware of the manipulation behind-the-scenes), so they simply dealt with the situation as best they could. This woman had also driven her husband to alcoholism so that he simply “went away” for 20 years and his son (my FiL) nearly followed in his footsteps but for my MiL’s salvation and Christlike influence. My MiL promised herself that she would never do to her son what had been done to her own marriage, although given her very different temperament I can’t imagine she would ever behave this way regardless. I am very fortunate to have supportive and godly in-laws and that our families get along so well.

Ironically enough, God apparently saw fit to send a stroke 20 years before this woman’s death, so that her personality changed almost entirely and the family was given a reprieve from the tension and conflict. But by that time the damage was done and lives had taken a different path from what they might have otherwise. I can’t understand why some people feel the need to manipulate those around them to this extent. At least it seems that the “toxic” personality is coming more into the limelight, in personal relationships and in the workplace (where my own battlefields have been) so that more people can be aware of what to look for and how to either avoid or deal with them.

By: J

Thu, 02 Jan 2020 13:51:02 +0000

In reply to Lois Eagles. Thanks, Lois! It's heartbreaking to think one's own family would torment one's marriage, but it does happen. Praying for true peace in your life!

By: Lois Eagles

Lois Eagles — Thu, 02 Jan 2020 08:18:35 +0000

“Honoring your mother and father does not involve allowing them to destroy your marriage.”
WOW. So true!! The demand to honour my parents-in-law has done loads of damage to our marriage as they tried to get between us and control us for so many years.

I credit one sister-in-law with singlehandedly doing more damage to our marriage than all the other issues we’ve faced in 10 years.

It was a relief to read Gary’s book this fall and know it’s okay to walk away from these relationships and focus on our marriage and new family nucleus.

Thank you for promoting it and sharing truth and your perspective!

By: J

Thu, 02 Jan 2020 03:28:06 +0000

In reply to CL. Interesting. I have written about close opposite-gender relationships being problematic, but not that specific angle you mention. Thanks for mentioning it!

By: CL

CL — Wed, 01 Jan 2020 22:19:31 +0000

Thank you for this article. Would you be willing to expand this type of topic and write about the dangers of finding emotional support from another person’s spouse (close opposite gender friendships)? Thank you.

By: J

Wed, 01 Jan 2020 17:36:41 +0000

In reply to RNmom. Wow, what an onslaught y'all went with! Glad you kept yourselves together. And yes, it would be good to read the book, since it gives a solid viewpoint and more strategies to deal with those toxic people; in your case, if they try to re-enter your life, you'd be better prepared. Blessings!

By: J

Wed, 01 Jan 2020 17:35:00 +0000

In reply to Andrew Budek-Schmeisser. Those last two lines are especially powerful, Andrew! Well done, you.

By: Andrew Budek-Schmeisser

Andrew Budek-Schmeisser — Wed, 01 Jan 2020 16:22:20 +0000

Yes, she is a child of God,
and (strangely!) he is, too;
and like them, we are very flawed
for sin is nothing new.
But allowing their deliberate act
of the burning of our hearts
is not like Jesus’ sacrifice,
as an aria’s not a fart.
It’s our own salvation we must work
in trembling and in fear,
and not stand in thrall to some jerk
who hurts all that he comes near.
Pray for those you cannot save,
but do not let them dig your grave.

By: RNmom

RNmom — Wed, 01 Jan 2020 13:29:33 +0000

This was a great article to start our new yr. We have a toxic person in our family. It’s one of our parents and that person spent countless hrs trying to destroy our marriage, split our unity, break our trust in one another and just cause turmoil. They tried getting us to meet other people when we were already engaged. They tried introducing a third person into our marriage at our shock and disbelief. The lies and deceit, manipulation and sabotage were too much strain on our marriage and my husband had the courage to cut ties to protect our marriage. It was the best thing we had done for our marriage and growing family. Without walking away from them I think we would’ve been headed to divorce. It was just too much stress to fight an outside source of destruction daily. I felt protected and valued when my husband stood up for me and our marriage and I think at that point I knew I was his priority and our marriage grew stronger and sweeter. We were talking last night about making contact with that person again but after reading this I feel like our decision was necessary. Thank you. I need to read this book.